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“Oh god, I hate this” – King Charles III |
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Free newsletter every Thursday subscribe
Email stories to us hello@popbitch.com
* The Jedward Handling Mantra
* Foaming with the Foreign Sec
* PLUS: Stars at Center Parcs |
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>> Eggsceptional << |
How to create a buzz |
The world of chess is being rocked by a bizarre theory that Hans Niemann won his game against grandmaster Magnus Carlsen thanks to a set of tactically placed anal beads, which buzzed a series of Morse code messages by remote control, telling him his next best move as he played.
Neimann denies this but it’s not the first time we’ve heard of this sort of thing. One of the big-name judges from the …Got Talent franchise does something pretty similar (though without the chess).
She likes to spice up the endless array of showbiz parties she’s required to attend by popping a remote controlled love-egg up her flue and handing the controls off to her partner. Then, at random moments in the evening, he’ll activate it and send a little buzz her way while she’s making small talk with unsuspecting guests. |
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Stars known to holiday at Center Parcs include: Stewart Lee, Glen Johnson, Lethal Bizzle, Romesh Ranganathan, Rob Beckett and Darren Day (who got very dressed up for the afternoon kids disco). |
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>> Read or dead? << |
The secret is… timing |
Among the many shows shelved to make room for the BBC’s rolling grief-a-thon are Canada’s Drag Race and Drag Race Down Under. The Canadian edition made one of the earliest snafus on social media last Thursday, sending out a tweet to promote the series finale with the unfortunate message: “This crown is up for grabs… who is going to take it home???”
Luckily the Beeb managed to get ahead of Drag Race Down Under before it hit iPlayer, because Episode 7 (the next to air) features quite a few references to the royals in it. During the show’s maxi-challenge – a drag family makeover – a son says to his father that the wig he’s been given makes him look like Queen Elizabeth.
To which the father fires back “Don’t fucking say that to me. You never say that to an Irishman. Never.”
Then, during the judge’s critiques, Rhys Nicholson offers this feedback: “You’ve got kind of vibes of ‘I’ve just buried the king and I’m out to fuck'”. |
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ROBERT SMITTH DIDN’T JUST EMAIL IN ALL CAPS; HE USED TO FAX IN THEM TOO. [See one here] |
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>> Big Questions << |
Who’s asking what this week? |
Which actor has been sharing articles about the blood-soaked legacy of colonialism in response to the Queen’s death – a marked 180 from the celebratory stance they adopted on the Empire when their dad got given a knighthood? |
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If you like sport, you’ll love the Upshot – a Popbitch-inspired email newsletter dishing out gossip, controversy and tittle-tattle from the world of British sport. Sign up free and get a five minute hit of irreverent sports coverage every Friday.
[Sign up free here] |
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>> Foam secretary << |
Trusted to deliver |
Before he entered the world of politics, Foreign Secretary James Cleverly was a big-shot at Caspian Publishing, where he became the subject of an excellent anecdote among his former colleagues.
It happened one evening, when some of the team decamped to the pub for after-work drinks. Cleverly got chatting to a co-worker who jokingly asked him if he was trying to flirt with her. His gallant riposte?
“Trust me love, if I were flirting with you you’d be foaming at the gash right now.” |
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The first child in the UK to be given a Paddington Bear teddy was Jeremy Clarkson. |
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>> Quizzy rascal << |
Putting the C in seat one |
SM writes:
“Was watching some real D-list pop stars on Pointless the other night when I remembered hearing a quiz show host saying he preferred doing the regular shows because he always had to Google the contestants in the so-called ‘celebrity specials’.
“That led me to recall the stand-up show by Paul Sinha in Edinburgh a couple of weeks ago. He told of the time when everyone’s favourite journalist, Giles Coren, was on The Chase. Sinha freely shared Bradley Walsh’s reaction when the contestants lined up – ‘Who’s the cunt in seat one?'” |
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Piers Morgan’s ratings have fallen to 18,000 viewers in the UK. In Australia, he’s lost his time-slot too. The World According To Rowan Dean eclipsed Piers’ numbers while Piers was off on holiday, so Rowan’s been given the slot. |
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>> Life of Grimes << |
Keeping control of the boys |
Jedward have been causing mayhem on social media this week, calling for the abolition of the monarchy, requesting that Charles hand the six counties back to Ireland, and floating a theory that Liz Truss must have had a hand in the Queen’s death somehow.
It’ll be a cold day in hell before we ever tell Jedward to stop talking, but the whole thing has reminded us of the mantra we heard their handler has.
Whenever the boys make a TV show appearance, they get so giddy with excitement that they start chatting at a million miles per hour to everyone they come across – from receptionists to runners, make-up artists to floor managers. All very charming; all very sweet.
But it does mean their handler is constantly heard repeating, “Remember boys: ears open, mouths shut.” |
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[Play Pick My Postcode here] |
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>> Line of recession << |
Mail pattern baldness |
In among all the batshit coverage of the new King, the Economist ran a piece this week suggesting we could expect a stable reign from Charles III because “his hair has been parted in the same place since childhood”.
It’s weird, but the Economist isn’t the only publication to be fascinated with Charles’s hair. The royal barnet has been a source of endless interest to Daily Mail supremo Paul Dacre too.
As both he and Charles were born on the same day (14th Nov 1948), Dacre has long been obsessed with comparing his own ageing to that of Charles, and would regularly ask employees which of them they thought looked better for their age.
Part of the reason the Mail has followed the balding of Princes William and Harry so closely in recent years, isn’t because he cares about the boys’ hairlines especially. It’s because he’s obsessed with Charles’s. Dacre believes Charles has had secret work done and is absolutely convinced the King has a weave. |
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One of the Queen’s favourite TV shows was The Kumars At No.42. |
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>> Take two << |
Open with a gag |
We know the feeling of sending out an inappropriate email that clatters headlong into the prevailing national mood (we do it most Thursdays). So it’s in a spirit of sympathy and solidarity that we tell you about the BFI’s little mess-up last week.
They sent out an email to offer condolences to the royal family and let ticket holders to Screen Culture 2023 know that the event’s launch would be postponed out of respect until September 23rd.
For the most part, their message was clear, concise and suitably solemn.
It’s just a pity they opened the whole thing with the typo “Dead friends and colleagues”. |
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New research on primate behaviour during the pandemic found that baboons had a lot more sex in zoos when the public wasn’t there watching them. |
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>> Hip replacement << |
Who could have guessed? |
After breathlessly reporting all the massive buy-ups it’s made of various pop and rock stars’ back catalogues over the last five years, the business pages are now taking a very different tone when talking about the future of the Hipgnosis Music Fund.
Now all of a sudden it looks like people are starting to wonder if paying $140m for the Red Hot Chili Peppers’ oeuvre was such a smart investment after all.
We’ve said from the off that Hipgnosis would end up slamming into reality before long. Every early profile of head honcho Merck Mercuriadis mentioned that he was at Sanctuary Records before it was sold to Universal – as if that was a good thing.
But the reason Sanctuary was sold to Universal was because the label had been all but run into the ground – not least because they had spent years and years overinflating the value of their assets in an attempt to drive up its share price, before realising there was absolutely no way they could justify it. Consequently it dropped from a high of £17 in 2005 to just 6.5p in 2006.
Ah, well. Maybe third time will be the charm? |
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Allegedly… A Popbitch Podcast. A six-part mini-series we made with Dan Schreiber (from No Such Thing As A Fish) and Ellie Taylor (soon-to-be Strictly star) where we prod about in the stranger corners of showbiz and celebrity. Get it as part of an Audible membership – including free trials.
[Listen here] |
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Thanks to: chromite, MJ, mount_st_nobody, CM, KB, SM, GV, fayekorgazm, theabominablehoman, LT, CW, R, S, A, DF, DT, twattybanjo, CB |
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Old Jokes Home
The Queen’s corgis will be sent to the groomer ahead of her funeral on Monday.
Or, as he’s better known, Prince Andrew.Still Bored?
Want to see how people’s Instagram pictures get taken? Creepy – but fascinating – open camera footage…
[The Follower] |
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