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Filth Patrol

 

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“I’m gonna be one of those annoying people who does a trek and is like: ‘I was changed in Africa'” – Nick Grimshaw
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* Adam Ant’s soggy togs!
* The niceness of Napalm Death!
* PLUS: Plenty of lockdown distractions
>> Klass act <<
The essential work of Smooth FM
 

The world might be arse over elbow at the minute, but there’s nothing quite like watching mid-tier British celebrities trying to drum up a bit of publicity in the middle of a global health crisis to make you realise that some things will never change.

Refusing to be cowed by the threat of coronavirus, Myleene Klass is still braving the streets of London in defiance of the lockdown in order to make her way into the Global Radio studios to record her Smooth FM show.

Not only that, she’s still bravely tipping off the paps to let them know exactly when she’s due to cross Leicester Square, so the MailOnline still has plenty of shots of her to run on the Sidebar of Shame too.

Hopefully she’s being responsible and reminding photographers to stay at least 2m apart.

Patti Smith’s Christmas tree is still up.
>> Easy rider <<
Damp and delivered
 

In among all the usual items on the rider he submitted to a venue he played recently (water, fruit, snacks etc) Adam Ant also made a request for a pink dressing gown. Knowing that artists will often put a wildcard item on their rider just to make sure that venues have paid attention to every last detail, an employee was duly sent out to pick one up.

They returned with one and laid it out for Mr Ant – but, sure enough, they noticed that throughout his time there he didn’t actually wear the garment once.

But it was later found in the dressing room, soaked in piss.

Yesterday was Chris Grayling’s birthday: April Fool’s Day.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
 

Which Hollywood beauty has become so addicted to wearing Spanx that even though she’s smaller than the smallest size they make she gives them to wardrobe to take them in for her?

The supermarkets are out of wine but THE WINE LIST is still delivering. This is a wine box like no other: learn while you discover great wines. Get a wine education and two incredible bottles delivered each month. Order at thewinelist.net using code POP30 to get 30% off the usual price (£39) today.
[Click here to find out more]
>> Wrong location <<
Kirstie’s village of the damned
 

Madonna faced a pretty sharp backlash when she videoed herself in the bath calling coronavirus “The Great Equalizer” – but maybe she was on to something?

Kirstie Allsopp used to enjoy an A-List hometown hero reputation in the village of Broadhembury, Devon. Sadly, her name is now mud among the locals because they all blame her for bringing Covid-19 to their doors when she chose to flee that there London and quarantine herself in their peaceful little idyll instead.

We hear the anger is such that the chances of her opening any fetes again after the lockdown is lifted are practically nil.

Paddy Kirk, the vet from Emmerdale, used to be in a thrash metal band called Filth Patrol.
>> Simon says <<
Playing doctors and nurses
 

With the UK’s Chief Medical Officer self-isolating, you may have noticed Sir Simon Stevens taking a more prominent role in the government’s recent coronavirus briefings. He’s a smart choice to wheel out in a time of crisis, as we hear he has quite the bedside manner.

A few years back, someone who had half an ear on the studio feed in the ITV News studio a few minutes before the 10pm bulletin overheard Julie Etchingham bashfully purring to her producer about how “very charming” she had found him during an interview earlier in the day.

Nominative Determinism of the Week: The bereavement and registration manager at South Essex Crematorium is called… Louise Roast.
>> Demo play <<
The mobile man Cave
 

Neighbours of Nick Cave can always tell whenever he’s got new music in the pipeline. How? Because they’ll see him come out of his front door, get into the car parked outside and watch him as he listens to his latest demos loudly through his car stereo.

Not because his car stereo is particularly good, you understand – but because his missus won’t let him play them in the house.

When Jeremy Thorpe hired thugs to kill his ex-lover, they botched it. What if they had succeeded? BENEATH THE STREETS is a gripping new thriller from Adam Macqueen, filled with murderous Soho hoodlums and ruthless Establishment cover-ups. Popbitch readers who use the code RINKA at checkout will get 30% off the cover price and free UK P&P.
[Pre-order it here]
>> The Daily Tonic <<
Just another 17 months to go…
 

Well, we made it through another week of sending out daily Popbitch mini-issues to those of you who need a little mood-lift each afternoon under quarantine. If you haven’t joined us for these daily shots of smut and silliness, you should sort that out as soon as possible. If you’re working from home (or no longer working) it’s like a little breakroom gossip each day.

We’ve put together an archive of the 14 isolation issues so far if you want to catch up, but you can get it direct to your inbox each day by signing up here.

[Get Popbitch: The Daily Tonic]

We’ve been keeping up the daily audio rounds too, if you want a little afternoon quiz? Today’s ten tracks are here.
If you want to try the previous rounds, they’re here.
>> Soft metal <<
Napalm Death sounds nice
 

On Monday, we asked daily readers for stories about the nicest favours that celebs had ever done them. A couple of our favourites came in a day late though, so we decided to save them back for you.

RD writes:
“Years ago (late 80s) a mate of mine was following Napalm Death around the country on tour… until he sprained his ankle stage-diving, which made hitching from gig to gig difficult. So for the remaining dates of the tour, the band took it in turns for one of them to hitch to gigs, so my mate could have their seat in the van.”

Deaths from alcohol poisoning dropped in Russia this winter. Because of the unseasonably warm weather, more people were drinking wine rather than hammering vodka.
>> Model behaviour <<
An A-List paramedic
 

KC writes:
“When I was at uni at Imperial College in the late 90s, a group of us were gleefully downing pints and smoking in the union when someone decided to dance on the table. The inevitable happened, he face-planted into the adjacent table full of empties – so I, being the most sober of the group, offered to take him to Chelsea and Westminster hospital.

“Outside the union no cabs would stop for us (there was a lot of blood). Just when we thought we’d have to walk, a sleek black Range Rover pulled over and a beautiful blonde woman asked if she could help. I explained our predicament and she offered to drive. I spied white leather interiors and started to decline but she insisted she take us to A&E. We sat on my jacket in the back and after the 10 min ride I was grateful to see we hadn’t stained the seats.

“She was lovely throughout the ride and genuinely concerned for my idiot friend. It was only when she dropped us off and I thanked her yet again did I realise we’d been graciously chauffeured by Elle Macpherson.”

Max Martin has just written his 23rd Billboard number one, Blinding Lights. He’s now just three behind John Lennon and nine behind Paul McCartney.
>> Wacadeus <<
Pulling faces in the pews
 

On Tuesday, we asked people to tell us about the strangest celebrity friendships they know of. One reader told us that Timmy Mallett and Sir Clive Woodward are neighbours and attend the same church, where Timmy can be seen constantly dicking about during the sermon. We’ve since had some corroboration.

RP writes:
“I know it to be true that he acts up in church as one Xmas Eve a few years back I was dragged along to midnight mass. Just after it all started, I looked over to see Timmy gurning, waving and giving me huge double thumbs up. Very, very strange and a little disturbing.

“After a long minute of this I was about to say something, before the chap behind me gently tapped on my shoulder and whispered ‘Please just ignore him. It’s us he’s looking at.'”

This week’s Media Masters podcast is an interview with Daniel Pearl, former editor of Dispatches and current commissioning editor at Channel 5. Among the things covered in this in-depth talk is his commissioning of the Emmy-winning Michael Jackson documentary ‘Leaving Neverland’.
[Listen/Download on Media Masters]
>> Hmmms <<
Kittens, koalas, cocktails
 

Maurice Gibb from the Bee Gees’ spaceship is up for sale
[See on Facebook Market]

If orangutans can do it, so can you
[WASH YOUR HANDS]

Need a Friday night pop fix? A four hour live-stream Taylor Swift DJ set is raising cash for charity
[Swiftothon 2020: Friday @ 8pm]

Kitten cam from the Los Angeles Sanctuary
[Watch them live]

Koalas to the max!
[Play here]

Can a neural network identify your browser drawings?
[Play Quick Draw]

Making cocktails with your back-of-of-the-cabinet booze
[Ideas on the Guardian]

Need a VPN to protect your browsing in lockdown? CyberGhost is offering Popbitch readers a great deal on their annual package and is donating 10% of sales to coronavirus relief funds
[Take a look]

Thanks to: posh_duckhunter, monstris, SW, NC, RP, RD, DF, dances_with_mustelids, mount_st_nobody, slackhack, PB, SC, KL, NB, AM, JC
Old Jokes Home
There was a report that Kevin Bacon had coronavirus.
But he’s cured.

Still Bored?
Can’t Touch This: The Isolation Mix
[Listen on Mixcloud]

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