Finish The Shot

Kym Marsh got in trouble with staff at the Playhouse Theatre late last week when she attended the star-studded gala night for Cabaret. From the moment the show started, Kym was glued to her phone throughout – even though staff approached her multiple times telling her to put it away.

What important business was holding her attention that couldn’t wait until the interval? She was checking out the pap shots of herself from the media call outside.

Channel 4’s documentary on the outing of George Michael was a pretty brutal account of the indignity George endured in 1998 – but one that made it all the more impressive just how quickly he managed to turn it all into his al fresco sex anthem, Outside.

The video itself was turned around on a very tight timeline too as the budget only allowed for one day of helicopter hire to gather all the aerial shots of couples having sex outdoors in various locations.

Actors and porn stars had been hired to do the deed(s), so the helicopter swept around the city while the director stayed in touch over walkie-talkie, giving stars the immortal command “Right! On our way: start shagging!”

Which of this year’s Eurovision entrants once got themselves expelled from school for carrying a knife?

Ridley Scott’s upcoming film Napoleon has just been rated R for strong violence, sexual content and what’s described as “brief” language. The language wasn’t so brief on set.

The shoot was apparently quite chaotic, with plenty of grumbling from disgruntled background artists and camera crews alike. One scene required a barn to be burned down and lots of the background and stunt people were kept in there for an uncomfortably long time before the doors were opened.

When an AD on an open walkie-talkie told Ridley that people were starting to get worried, he was heard to reply “Fuck ’em. Finish the shot.”

Which became the catchphrase for the rest of the production.

In managing to grind out a whole book from Matt Hancock’s private messages, before selling them on to the Telegraph to produce an entirely new scoop out of it, Isabel Oakeshott is no stranger to getting the most out of her material – a skill she learned early on.

At school, Isabel was known for turning her underwear inside out so that she could get two days’ wear out of them.

Of course, it’s entirely possible this is a spurious playground smear put about by former classmates looking to deal a little bit of damage. But that would still clear the Oakeshott bar for publication – so if it’s good enough for her…

Pat Sharp has been put on gardening leave from his radio show after telling a bawdy joke at a corporate gig that went down like a cold cup of sick. Having thrown a Fun House T-shirt (with his face on) into the crowd, Pat brought the woman who caught it up on stage to tell her that the T-shirt was the only way he was “going to get on [her] tits tonight”.

Clearly the organisers don’t read Popbitch, as they’d know this is relatively mild banter from Sharp. Still, if he ever does find himself hired to do another corporate gig, there are a couple of his other favourite lines he might want to quietly retire.

“I’d love to see your fun-house; we could have a whole lotta fun” probably wouldn’t have gone over any better. Nor would the even less subtle line he once offered a woman on a video shoot: “Women love my show and they love my cock – how about it?”

You’d think it would be impossible these days for a Beckham to do anything remotely dodgy in public without it going viral – so fair play to the locals at the Alice House pub in Queen’s Park.

It was there, back in January, that a then-underage Cruz Beckham, his girlfriend and a small gang of mates were sheepishly trying to get served. Even though he and his crew had somehow satisfied a bouncer with proof-of-age IDs, young Cruz was recognised immediately so bar staff asked them all to leave.

Their plans foiled, the kids congregated outside on the street corner opposite a late night chippy and a cop shop, cutting quite the scene of teenage humiliation. All of which made for an amusing little sideshow for drinkers, but when someone suggested taking photos or a video of Cruz’s humiliation to sell to the tabloids for a quick buck, the locals all closed rank and told them not to – to give the kid a break.

With Gary Lineker’s tweets still dominating the news cycle, BBC Sport bosses must be wishing its personnel would stop causing them such headaches. Back in the days when John Motson was king, they never had to worry about what the talent was up to. It was only junior employees who did.

Such as the younger female colleague who accompanied Motty to lunch one time. Most of the meal passed without incident, but shortly before dessert he retrieved a blue pill from his pocket. He showed it to her and asked if she knew what it was. She did. It was Viagra.

He then swallowed it, with the charming line: “You have 20 minutes to make your decision.”

Rishi Sunak and Suella Braverman were due to take a helicopter down to an immigration centre earlier this week – but their fancy flight was cancelled. This was supposedly down to “bad weather” but we wonder if it’s something else they can blame on Kwasi Kwarteng.

Back when he was Energy Secretary, Kwasi paid a visit to an oil rig at the invitation of a big energy company. The company chartered a helicopter to get him on to the rig, but the chopper could only fit four passengers – and Kwasi’s was a party of five.

They decided to leave a civil servant behind on shore, but the civil servant became so enraged at this snub that he kicked up a massive fuss, insisting it was “paramount” he accompany the Secretary of State. Another helicopter was chartered – at a cost of around £70K – to get him to the rig, only for it to quickly become clear his presence wasn’t “paramount” at all.

The CEO was so angry at having a huge expense like this foisted on him at short notice that he wrote a very pointed letter of complaint to Kwasi’s department – prompting a great deal of shit to hit the wind turbine.

UK: I Wrote A Song
Once the young girl in green from Mika’s Grace Kelly video, Mae Muller is this year’s UK entrant. If you can get past the opening lyric and the lumpen title, the chorus is actually really good. Co-written by Karen Poole out of Alisha’s Attic.

AUSTRIA: Who The Hell Is Edgar?
Just your standard, everyday choral funk rave track about being possessed by the ghost of Edgar Allen Poe; nothing much more to tell you than that. (Except that it’s fucking brilliant.)

FINLAND: Cha Cha Cha
There was a rumour going around that former Finnish PM Alexander Stubb was one of the neon pink ballroom dancers in this, but sadly it’s just a similar looking guy. Probably for the best as the choreography appears to have been inspired in places by the Human Centipede.

GERMANY: Blood And Glitter
This year’s flamboyant, PVC-clad hard rock act. There’s a touch of Lordi about them – only without the full-body monster make-up (or winning chorus).

FYI: Croatia’s video is due out on Sunday and is supposedly one to keep an eye on. Given how the stage show for their national final went, we can believe it.

What are those pulsing pearly blobs splattered all over Rachel Stevens’ official website?
[Bold design choice]

Super Mario songs in an Italo-disco style
[Let’s A-Go]

Uri Geller has slashed the asking price on his house almost in half
[Now just £8million]

It’s not just Kym Marsh; all audiences are behaving badly in London’s theatres
[Read on Evening Standard]

Grandmaster Flash’s “DO NOT PLAY” list for his personal appearances
[See on Imgur]

The same songs as an actual playlist
[Play on Spotify]

Move over Cocaine Bear; this week we’ve got Cocaine Serval Cat
[Local Cincinnati News]

The Blood Sport of Oscar Campaigns
[Read on NYT]

Every Glastonbury poster since 1970
[See on NME]

Still Bored?
What’s Pras from the Fugees up to these days?
[It’s a long story…]