How To Get Away With Gouda

2019’s most explosive celebrity drama – Rooney v …….Rebekah Vardy’s Account – has reignited in 2020 with news that Vardy is proceeding with a libel case against Coleen Rooney.

The story never went away entirely though. There’s been one journalist in particular who has been following the developments of it all quite closely. For the last few months, Simon Boyle at the Sun has had regular exclusives featuring insider sources who are keen to mention how determined and strong Vardy is, while suggesting Coleen’s defence is in “Roo-ins”.

Could this be the same Simon Boyle that Vardy was following on Instagram when this first blew up? The one who has previously tweeted his gratitude to the “Vardy clan” for being so accommodating with his reporting? Who has been bylined on a number of Sun stories about the couple’s most intimate moments since 2017 – and on Mirror stories before that, when she was better known as Becky Nicholson?

Who knows? Maybe it’ll come up in court…

As allegations about Tim Westwood’s conduct with teenage girls started swirling around social media earlier this week, some tweeters responded by listing the many things that Tim Westwood is officially older than (Milton Keynes, the M1, NASA, etc).

Some thought this was a helpful way to highlight the massive age gap. Others felt it was a distraction. It’s probably worth looking for yourself to see exactly why Westwood is earning himself the nickname “Timmy Savile” – but if you wanted some more celebrity age comparison fun, here’s a couple of less contentious examples:

– Sir David Attenborough is older then sliced bread
– Nigel Farage is younger than Brad Pitt
– Paul Nuttall is younger than Tina S Club
– Gary Numan is two weeks older than Gary Oldman

Which MP lost their virginity in a bush at a posh ‘Gatecrasher’-style ball in the early 90s? They can’t have enjoyed the experience much as they’ve since become one of Westminster’s most vocal critics of dogging.

Now we’ve got the added heatwave to contend with in lockdown, you might find that your productivity is slumping mid-afternoon. Afternoon slumps are Popbitch’s bread and butter, so we’re continuing to send out our daily editions to give you something to do when things all get a bit much.

If you’ve missed out on any of the 80+ mini-issues we’ve sent out over this pandemic, we’ve been keeping an archive – and we’re going to keep plugging on for a while yet, so you might as well sign up. There’s literally nothing better to do.

[Catch up/sign up here]

One ongoing thread in the daily edition is celebrity kleptomania. This week, we’ve had a few stories about Eartha Kitt’s legendarily light fingers, but the story we enjoyed hearing the most was this one.

silencer writes:
“A guy who worked in the Chelsea FC canteen once told me that John Terry’s mother was such a kleptomaniac that if she was in the building anything not locked down was liable to go walkabout. Apparently she once got away with an entire catering-size block of cheese.

“I can still remember the indignity in the guy’s voice as he told me: ‘She STOLE MY CHEESE!'”

We usually ask a themed question in each daily edition to inspire readers’ stories, but sometimes a theme just occurs naturally – like these unrequested tales we got of celebrity barmen.

ulysses writes:
“Not sure if anyone else has mentioned this, but one-time Doctor Who star Paul McGann used to run the backstage bar at the Jazz World/West Holts stage at Glastonbury. He told us that he did it so that he could spend some quality time with his son, who also used to work there.”

RB writes:
“Back in the late 90s an old colleague of mine played in a covers band and invited me to a gig, which was also a fundraiser for the local school. I turned up and headed to the bar where I was somewhat surprised to be served by Morse sidekick Kevin Whately. Turns out he had a kid at the same school. As I recall he poured a fairly decent pint.”

Ever been served by a celebrity bartender? hello@popbitch.com

We’ve made it an unofficial rule not to repeat the stories we feature in the daily edition in the weekly edition, but we’re relaxing it for this one – just because if we’ve had to sit with it, you should too.

SB writes:
“Back in 2000, I worked at the now-closed Books Etc in the Whiteley’s shopping centre in Bayswater. One busy afternoon while I was head down, working the register, someone threw five copies of ‘The Multi-Orgasmic Man’ on the desk. I looked up and the person in front of me said ‘Yeah, I am Paul Weller… and yeah, it fucking works.’

“I asked him why he needed five copies and he said they were for friends — but he left me one. ‘Try it,’ he called behind him as he walked out. ‘It really fucking works!’

“I was in my mid-20s at the time, so I didn’t need to worry about that — I returned it and got the refund.”

Richard Desmond’s political donations have got him in the spotlight again, this time for making a £12,000 donation to the Conservative party after Tory MP Robert Jenrick unlawfully approved and fast-tracked Desmond’s plans to build a £1bn luxury housing development. It’s quite a return on investment, but Desmond has always known how to stretch the value of a few quid.

Desmond’s rather canny method of securing him and his wife a bit of extra legroom on budget flights without having to shell out huge amounts was this.

He would pay the small Priority Boarding fee to ensure they could take their seats early. They’d then take the window seat and aisle seat of a row of three, before Richard would “accidentally” spill his water over the empty middle seat, rendering it uninviting to any other passengers.

In yesterday’s daily we made passing mention of the time that Jimi Hendrix played the Lincolnshire town of Spalding in 1967. This caught the attention of Alistair Stewart, who tweeted about having been there. It seems his passion for gigs hasn’t dulled in the years since.

One reader, reminiscing about festival experiences, remembered the time at V Festival they left the dance tent after Goldfrapp’s set and passed a very in-the-moment Alistair who was swaying about merrily.

Not to any music, mind – Goldfrapp had finished – but he was having plenty of fun all the same.

One of the big stories this week has been the army of young TikTok users and K-Pop stans that supposedly managed to upend Donald Trump’s Oklahoma rally by flooding his campaign database with over a million ticket requests, when only 6,200 supporters actually turned up.

A few years ago we wrote a four-part story about the two Hollywood Writers Strikes and how they had an inadvertently huge effect on pop culture and politics. It’s not a spoiler to tell you that the final part was about how (and why) this same generation are uniquely equipped to take on a political foe like Trump, who cut his teeth in reality TV.

The story was originally written in the wake of the Parkland school shooting – but as it starts with the hugely influential TV show Cops (which was cancelled this month after 30+ years) and ends with teenagers taking on Trump, it seems fitting to revisit it.

The wider four-part story takes in Fox, CNN, Piers Morgan, Kim Kardashian, Gordon Brown, Alex Jones, Donald Trump and more – and you can read it here.

[Read “A Tale Of Two Strikes” on Popbitch]

AI generated Charlie Brown cartoons
[Make one yourself]

How realistic is money laundering in your favourite series?
[An expert reviews]

Take On Me, arranged for Excel spreadsheet
[Listen on YouTube]

Another of our regular haunts is in need of some Covid-19 support
[Help save Bradley’s Spanish Bar]

Local News Of The Week: Dead Dog Cloud Edition
[Read on York Press]

Hedgehog bowling
[Watch on YouTube]

The sound of a baby squirrel
[Listen on Twitter]

Rooney v Vardy may not be the best lawsuit of the week
[Wanker v Twitch]

Still Bored?
BBC4 had a documentary about the National Enquirer last night. If you want to revisit our four-parter on that whole scene, it’s here.
[Read it here]