Korean Cat Arson

Last Thursday, our week off was interrupted by a barrage of calls, emails and texts from people telling us that Boris Johnson had just wriggled off the hook of a potentially career-ending corruption scandal – and Popbitch was to blame.

Boris’s excuse for not handing over critical WhatsApp messages in Lord Geidt’s investigation into the funding of the No.11 flat refurbishment? A variation on the classic “New phone, who dis?”

The reason he hadn’t handed over everything, he claims, is that he had to change phones in April – after we pointed that out his personal number had been freely and publicly available on the internet for the last 15 years.

We really weren’t sure how we’d be able to face you if we had been the sole reason that Boris Johnson was still clinging on to his job. Thankfully, events have since overtaken it and the PM is now facing a completely different potentially career-ending scandal – one that we have absolutely nothing to do with.

So thanks, Prime Minister. We owe you one.

As the industry undergoes some seismic shifts, it’s reassuring to know that there are some things in Hollywood that will never, ever change.

Henry Cavill recently wrapped on a shoot and decided to thank some of the crew who had been working closely with him for many months by giving them a small gift. How did he show his appreciation for all their hard work? With a signed photograph of Henry Cavill.

Which former political figure will find himself in the doghouse if his partner ever discovers the inspiration for their child’s unusual name? The sprog appears to have been named after a Saturday girl at his local shop who he developed a bit of a crush on.

We mentioned a few months back that early copies of Denise Van Outen’s autobiography had been recalled and destroyed on account of an ‘error’ in the text. Then, last weekend, Denise took to Instagram to announce that after “months of speculation” she and her fiancé Eddie Boxshall had split (amid reports he was having phone sex with other women behind her back).

It’s a rough break for Denise, but if she’s in the market for a silver lining: the memoir won’t require too many rewrites. There were only a few mentions of Eddie in the original draft which can easily be pulled. The only major casualty in the text is an anal sex joke she made about how Eddie once promised to “take her up the Shard”.

A promise, she says, he never came good on – and is now highly unlikely to.

Real Madrid legend Roberto Carlos has put himself up on eBay to raise money for charity, which means Sunday league teams can get the Brazilian icon as a teammate for the price of a five quid raffle ticket.

We can’t stress enough to any team out there that they should sign up. Not just because it’s in aid of a good cause, but because Roberto is a dream Sunday League team player.

We met him a couple of years back in Vietnam where he was part of an all-star team playing in a competition set up by a beer brand. A pre-match night on the whisky and tabs did nothing to dull his on-pitch performance – and such was his commitment to the sponsors that his only request on the day was that someone be on the sideline at half-time holding a cold can for him, so he could hydrate properly. With lager.

[Get your bids in]

Now that a judge has rejected Prince Andrew’s bid to have his civil sex assault case dismissed, it looks like the sweatless pizzaphile is inching ever closer to trial. Which means we’re likely to see a bit more of his legal team too.

Acting for the Duke is Andrew Brettler of Lavely & Singer: a firm best known for its work representing the great and good of Hollywood. L&S earned a fearsome reputation among showbiz journalists in the 90s and 00s for firing off spicy threats (known in the trade as ‘Singer Zingers’) on behalf of A-listers like Catherine Zeta-Jones, Ashton Kutcher, Charlie Sheen, Kim Kardashian and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Their most legendary success came when arguing a case for Entourage star Jeremy Piven. Piven had pulled out of a Broadway production of Speed The Plow in 2008, four months into a six-month contract – citing mercury poisoning from eating too much sushi.

Initially the show’s producers couldn’t understand how Piven could simultaneously be too sick to perform in their show, yet also well enough to attend the Golden Globes and a friend’s birthday party at a swanky New York club – but somehow L&S managed to convince them.

Whether they can work the same magic with a Pizza Express menu remains to be seen…

Caroline Stanbury – ex-girlfriend of Prince Andrew – is one of the stars of the BBC’s new series on the super rich who live in Dubai. Stanbury has just married her “toy-boy” Sergio Carrallo, who invariably gets described as the “ex-Real Madrid professional footballer”.

Pretty much every news item about Sergio refers to his career at Spain’s most famous club, but he didn’t actually play for the first team. He got some time on Real Madrid B and went on to play for the New York Cosmos B team too. There was one side he managed to play for the first team though. Corby Town: a seventh-tier English team who were playing in the Evo-Stik Premier Division.

Enough time has probably passed now for us to discuss the S3 finale of Succession (though if you don’t want to risk any spoilers, skip this story).

People at News UK had spent ages trying to work out who was supposed to be Rebekah Brooks in Succession. Logan is obviously Rupert. The kids are all pretty easy to place. But it was never clear which of the characters was Brooks – until the final minutes of S3. She’s Tom.

* An outsider from the boondocks (Minnesota/Warrington)

* Successfully ingratiated themselves with the big cheese (Logan/Rupert)

* Offered to take the fall for corporate malfeasance (DoJ/phone-hacking)

* Never once put the boss in the frame (even though RB’s friends were all telling her to turn Queen’s evidence on hacking, she never did).

* And always, always loyal – in contrast to the actual children…

We weren’t expecting the year to kick off with any Eurovision news, but Latvia caught our attention with one of their proposed national finalists: “Eat Your Salad” by Citi Zēni.

It’s an upbeat tune, with a slick, radio-friendly Bruno Mars sound, but it’s the opening lyrics that really set it apart from the rest of the field. In fact, it might have the single most unexpected opening line we we’ve ever heard – not just in Eurovision, but in pop music full stop.

It’s worth ten seconds of your time, but if you’re within earshot of anyone, maybe use headphones.

[Listen here]

Last week, the Prime Minister’s fate lay in the hands of a pop gossip rag; this week, it’s in the hands of a pop star’s wife.

There isn’t that much known about Sue Gray, the civil servant investigating the No.10 parties. Nor the ten-year hiatus she took from the civil service in the late-80s and 90s to go and run a pub in Northern Ireland (a temporary career change that is the subject of much intrigue in Establishment circles).

One of the few things we do know from that time is that she married County Down country and western singer, Bill Conlon. Bill and his band Emerald had a big local following with a set-list inspired by Merle Haggard, Buck Owens and Charley Pride.

A particular favourite of theirs was the song One More Time. Which begins with the prophetic opening line “I wonder what the power is that you hold over me…”

[Listen here]

A musical time machine – just pick a country and a decade…
[Listen to Radiooooo]

Sweardle: like Wordle but for swears
[Play it here]

Letterle: like Wordle but for letters
[Play it here]

Something doesn’t stack up about the ‘influencer hospitalised for farting in jars’ story the year kicked off with
[Read on Input]

Gas Pump Golf
[An infuriatingly simple game]

Madonna’s kid Rocco is selling art
[See on Tatler]

Emojis to scale
[An interactive height line]

Baby otter noises
[Hear on TikTok]

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