Marsupial Hostage Drama

Lord Ashcroft’s lackeys have been emailing around Carrie Johnson’s former schoolmates recently, trying to drum up some stories for the biography he’s currently writing. Those hoping for a David Cameron pigfucking-style bombshell about the PM’s wife are likely to be disappointed though as researchers have been making a point of specifically asking for positive memories.

Which means you’re unlikely to find this one in the final draft.

One classmate’s abiding memory of their schooldays is being invited to Carrie’s mum’s house to help Carrie clean out an old shed and paint it to make it into a playhouse. And then, once the job was done, never getting invited back.

Noel Gallagher was all over the media yesterday complaining that the comparisons of Oasis to the Beatles were “embarrassing”. If it puts his mind at ease, we’re happy to let him know that no-one in the music industry still seriously makes that connection.

In fact, they tend to joke that while Liam hasn’t changed a bit since Oasis first started – and is pretty much the same character to deal with as he always was – Noel’s become more the kind of rock star who will still greet you, but is always looking over your shoulder to see if there’s anyone more important/famous he could be speaking to.

So his nickname has nothing to do with Lennon or McCartney. He’s called “The New Bono”.

What’s so bad about the error in the early copies of Denise Van Outen’s upcoming autobiography that stock recently sent out to a major retailer is now having to be destroyed?

For a family that supposedly never complains, never explains, there’s been an awful lot of headlines this week about the Royals pondering whether or not to sue Netflix over The Crown. But could they build much of a case on tired old rumours about Diana and Camilla that have already been everywhere a thousand times over? Would it be worth generating the insane amount of publicity that such a move would obviously stoke?

The answer, on both counts, is no. So why are they making these noises now?

If you missed the latest development in the Mail v Meghan case, Meghan had to make a statement to the court last week admitting she perhaps hadn’t been entirely truthful with her initial claims, confessing that – on reflection – she did actually help to brief the journalists who wrote a recent biography of her. And that she did draft her letter to “Daddy” with half an eye on how the public would react if/when it leaked – contrary to her previous testimony.

What better time then for the Royals to remind Netflix (who signed a content deal with Harry and Meghan last year) that they’re keeping watch, just in case Netflix ever feels inspired to commission something a little more… contemporary?

Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s 24 hour danceathon raised over a million; Owain Wyn Evans’ 24 hour drumathon raised over three million – celebrities really do throw themselves fully into Children In Need these days. It wasn’t always so hard to impress people with your commitment to charity though. Sting didn’t even need to show up.

Back when the Spice Girls first shot to fame, they were asked to appear on the BBC’s annual fundraiser. The Girls were quite dazzled by all the stars the Beeb had managed to herd together for the night, with Emma Bunton being particularly impressed by how much Sting had committed himself to doing on the show – making a point of telling people so.

She was so earnest about it that no-one had the heart to tell her the reason that ‘STING’ cropped up in the evening’s schedule so often wasn’t because the singer was keen to help needy kids. It was a production note for someone upstairs to run a Pudsey animation.

Drama at the Daily Mail has really kicked up a gear since last week. Geordie Greig’s decision to go studs up on Tory sleaze just as his nemesis-predecessor Paul Dacre was having some high-level strings pulled to get a second shot at the Ofcom job appears to have backfired. He ‘stepped down’ yesterday out of the blue to be replaced by Ted Verity.

It’s a shame as we were so looking forward to seeing how Geordie would cover the high-profile sex-trafficking case of his old Oxford buddy and occasional media arm-candy, Ghislaine Maxwell – but now he’ll be long gone before the big revelations come out.

The suspicious timing of this exit means there’s a lot of chatter about Maxwell and what it all might mean, but talk internally is that the change in personnel is related to Lord Rothermere’s announcement earlier this month that he was taking the company private again (a move which is likely to result in a lot of job losses, and a ruthless bastard like Ted Verity will be better suited to handling the paper through that process).

The bloodbath already seems to have begun – with whispers suggesting that Simon Walters and Gerard Greaves are also out the door this afternoon – which has caught many by surprise. Up until an hour ago, Greaves was a hot pick for getting the MoS gig, as his son is at Eton with Rothermere’s son, so clearly no-one is safe…

It was a good job the Mail’s big moves were made after Paul Dacre left the building. We can’t imagine what Britain’s big Moraliser-In-Chief would have made of the fact that the Mail hired communications firm Teneo to manage the media release of Geordie’s defenestration.

Hiring a New York firm that boasts of the stratospheric retainers they insist on charging clients is an odd choice for something as seemingly mundane as a simple staff reshuffle. Even odder, the firm is mired in disrepute these days after it lost two of its three founders in disgrace in the last year.

First to go was former Bill Clinton aide, Doug Band, who resigned over his ties to Jeffrey Epstein. Then Declan Kelly had to walk the plank after getting shitfaced at a big Global Citizen event and getting handsy with a number of people in the audience.

QAnon descended on Dealey Plaza again this week, hoping to witness the return of JFK Jr (d.1999). To pass the time while waiting for him to rise from the dead and announce he’s running as Trump’s VP in 2024, they had a little sing-song. Of ‘We Are The World’.

Quite why an organisation obsessed with exposing an elite international paedophile ring would adopt a song written by Michael Jackson we couldn’t tell you – but Jacko is oddly popular with conspiracists.

For his 60th birthday, David Icke took a group of his devotees out to the ancient burial ground in Peru where he had his turquoise tracksuit epiphany in 1991. Returning to the spot where he’d first heard the voices that now guide his thinking about the true nature of things, he had everyone join hands and sing ‘Heal The World’.

As final preparations are being made for the latest series of I’m A Celebrity, a quick word of warning to producers: be very careful shooting Richard Madeley in bed.

When Madeley appeared on social media reality show, The Circle, he slept as he does at home – naked. While most of his nudism was confined to the bedcovers, it seems he occasionally forgot about the rolling cameras and often didn’t bother with a dressing gown when traipsing through to the bathroom.

Pardon our French, but what the fuck is going on at Paris Saint-Germain? News coming out at the moment reads like the plot of some sort of souped-up soap opera.

* Earlier this year, PSG started paying for round-the-clock security at their players’ homes after Angel Di Maria and Marquinhos both fell prey to violent burglaries.

* Last month, Ander Herrara claims to have been robbed in his car by a prostitute who got in at a red light, nicked his phone and wallet – then demanded a lift.

* Power couple Mauro Icardi and Wanda Nara are on/off/on/off. Their relationship has been tabloid fodder from day one as Wanda was initially married to Mauro’s teammate, Maxi López. Mauro’s decision to get Maxi’s kids’ names tattooed on his arms caused friction; Maxi’s refusal to shake hands with Mauro caused more. Wanda took over Mauro’s career Spinal Tap-style as girlfriend-manager, posting lots of John-and-Yoko pictures of them near-naked in bed. Now she claims that he slept with an Argentinian model, which he is brushing off as just “slutty chat”.

* Things are even crazier with the women’s team. Midfielder Kheira Hamraoui was also carjacked recently, but by masked men who beat her legs with metal poles. Teammate Aminata Diallo (who’d been driving) was first accused of orchestrating it, as a sort of Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan inspired plot, but police have a new lead. Reports emerged that one of the attackers shouted “So you like to sleep with married men?” Hamraoui’s mobile phone is registered in the name of Eric Abidal, Barcelona’s (married) ex-Sporting Director, with whom she is rumoured to have had an affair. Which would help explain reports that four of her teammates received calls from a man in Barcelona saying she’d “broken his life” and he “wanted revenge”…

Wyclef Jean accidentally dropping the CEO of Land Rover on his head
[See on YouTube]

Prince Philip: yassified and lip-syncing
[See on Twitter]

Why do sad songs make us feel good?
[Read on The Conversation]

A petition to add a penis to the dragon on the Welsh flag
[Let your voice be heard]

International News Of The Week: Marsupial Hostage Drama
[“Woman held hostage by possum”]

How are celebrity NFTs working out?
[Not so well…]

Are we sure we should all trust science? It’s now claiming that “Every Breath You Take” by The Police is the perfect song for any time of day.
[Read on NPR]

Adam Ant make-up boxes at the V&A
[See here]

Rolling Stone on the the latest in Marilyn Manson’s abuse allegations
[Grim reading]

Still Bored?
Nick Cave, on the squirrel he accidentally adopted
[Read on Red Hand Files]