More Otter Than Eel

It’s roasting hot, it’s silly season and we’re creeping into month six of a global pandemic that was supposed to give us the summer off – but as we’re just one week away from sending out the 1,000th issue of Popbitch, we can’t stop now.

So over the next two weeks, we’re going to do a two-part bumper summer special, revisiting some of our favourite Popbitch legends from years gone by that still make us smile – and (hopefully) won’t get us sued…

If you have any particular favourites that you’d like to see again, we’d be interested to know which stories have stuck with you. Email us at hello@popbitch.com and we’ll do what we can.

Holly Willoughby’s decision to leave her management agency, YMU, might not seem like a big deal on the face of it, but her fellow stablemates will be hoping she’s the only one who jumps ship as YMU (f.k.a. James Grant) is the closest thing celebrities have to a union.

Access to a popular primetime star like Holly has been one of the company’s biggest bargaining chips in recent years. Not only are celebs of her calibre helpful as a way to sneak some of the lower-grade stars into the spotlight on her coat-tails, they also offer some serious protection for the big-hitters.

To pick a totally hypothetical example, say one of your big clients gets collared by the tabloids dabbling with some class-As. It could make for a very juicy scoop – but threatening to cut off access to a star like Holly can go a long way in negotiating a slightly softer edit of the story with journalists who rely on such things.

Threatening to cut off access to Gregg Wallace? It might not have quite the same oomph.

Which coupled-up singer-songwriter has just purchased himself a second flat? It’s supposedly reserved for the purposes of “songwriting” – but it sounds like there’s more than just tracks getting laid there.

Of all the celebrity power couples, none have such a beautiful origin story as that of Liam Gallagher and Nicole Appleton.

Nicole’s chosen chat-up line to snare her rock’n’roll husband?

NICOLE: “Oi, Liam. I’ve got something for you in my pocket.”

LIAM: “What?”

NICOLE: “My cunt.”

On a fashion shoot in a derelict house, Kate Moss had to pause the proceedings as she needed a piss. The assistant on the shoot told her where she could find the loo, but warned her that there was no door on it.

Kate’s legendary reply? “Well how the fuck do I get in there then?”

To ease his broken heart after his separation from Amanda Holden in 2002, Les Dennis could often be found propping up the bar until closing time at the Groucho.

One fateful night, he found himself there in the company of Keith Allen and Alex out of Blur. Poor Les was so keen to come across as one of the lads that when they got turfed out, he invited the uncouth monsters back to his immaculate, Hello!-style house in North London.

Predictably, a blizzard of cocaine-fuelled bacchanalia ensued. Les, a non-user, could only watch in horror as his hospitality was abused, and ended up following the rambunctious pair around his house with a cloth and a duster, cleaning up spillages and mess, and making cups of tea for them as they gakked into daylight.

Grace Jones turned up to Jade Jagger’s birthday at a bar in Mayfair in 2003 and immediately made her way to the toilets. She was in the cubicle for ages before she eventually burst out, executing some full-body karate moves and announcing loudly in a fake German accent:

“HERE IZ ZE COCAINE AUTOBAHN!”

BONUS 2003 FACT: Carla Bruni can move her tits individually, and does a performance to music with them after a few drinks.

Canadian electro star Peaches is well known for her bold, uncompromising, give-no-fucks style but even she was a little weirded out by her 2004 tourbus.

The previous occupants had been the Backstreet Boys and throughout her tour she kept discovering small stickers all over the bus. Dozens of them had been dotted on top of the cupboards, inside drawers, underneath the table etc – all with messages about Aaron Carter on them.

Messages like “Aaron Carter has a mangina”. And “Aaron Carter sucks alien cock”.

BONUS 2004 FACT: One of Andrea Corr’s neighbours says that when Andrea had parties, she would play Corrs records at full blast all night long.

rev_goatboy wrote [in 2005]:
“Many moons ago, when Hugh Laurie and Sir Stephen of Fry were just becoming ‘known’, they were interviewed on a BBC radio show. Mr Fry asked what the foam covers on the end of the mics were called. To which Mr Laurie said, ‘They’re called ‘Spoffles’ and they prevent what’s known as ‘Popping’.’

“Mr Fry, the host and the engineer were all impressed by Mr Laurie’s knowledge and the interview continued.

“Years passed, and once again Fry and Laurie were in a radio studio. The engineer said something like he’ll just adjust the Spoffle. Mr Laurie says, ‘The what?’ And the engineer explains that this is what the foam things are called.

“‘Good Lord,’ laughs Mr Laurie, ‘I made that word up on the spot years ago in a studio!'”

BONUS 2005 FACT: The cost of pixelating out the Crazy Frog’s animated penis from its video: £3,500.

Big Brother’s Pete Bennett became Britain’s most famous Tourettes sufferer in 2006, taking the crown from the title’s previous holder: John Davidson, star of the 1989 BBC documentary, John’s Not Mad.

A few weeks after that documentary originally screened, John was given an award by Prince Charles for his bravery about publicising his condition. Before the ceremony, John’s friends unhelpfully recited the phrase “Big eared cunt” over and over to him in the hope that he would blurt it out at Charles.

John was determined not to let them get the better of him, but when he stepped up to receive his award from the Prince, nerves kicked in. He didn’t call HRH a big eared cunt – but he could’t stop himself from shouting out “Bad Horsey!”

A_reliable_source wrote [in 2007]:
“A friend was working in a hotel in the north when Christopher Biggins and Barbara Windsor were staying while doing panto. One night Babs and Biggins were getting royally pissed on champagne. After their fourth bottle was finished they requested another and my friend delivered it to their room.

“Biggins was in top form and asked her to stay for a drink. However, he and Babs were wearing towelling robes and, as he made his grand gesture, his robe flew open and his cock and balls were free for all in the room to see. Babs got a giggling fit and my friend made her excuses and left.

“Apparently he had very large balls. And they were both excellent tippers.”

BONUS 2007 FACT: Cheryl Cole got steaming drunk at John Terry’s wedding and spent most of the evening on the mirrored dancefloor loudly telling the other female guests what colour pants they were wearing.

It was fashionable to bash Razorlight in 2008 (fun, too) but there was no denying that frontman Johnny had some sort of appeal. His big move was to take women up to Primrose Hill and have them look down across London. Then he whispered gently into their ear: “Think how many people down there have orgasmed to my music”.

He’s also a fan of asking his sexual partners, “What’s my name?” – to which the correct reply is “Johnny Borrell”.

A mystified “Er, Johnny?” is not good enough and will be followed by him shouting “No! My full name!”

BONUS 2008 FACT: The lawyer who put Britney Spears under a conservatorship during her public struggles in 2008… Andrew Wallet!

Shortly after news of Michael Jackson’s untimely death broke, camera crews in LA were sent down to the corner of Hollywood and Vine to take pictures of Jacko fans paying tribute to their hero on the Walk Of Fame.

The papers ran pictures of tearful fans lighting candles, laying down flowers and mourning at the star there. The only trouble was, that particular star actually belongs to someone completely different: an LA radio personality also called Michael Jackson.

The King Of Pop does have his own star on the Walk of Fame, but it had been covered earlier that morning by a red carpet. Ready for the premiere of Brüno.

A very kind reader has sponsored an orphaned otter on Popbitch’s behalf; watch his livestream!
[The otter’s, not the reader’s]

Could Covid get magic mushrooms reclassified?
[Come on, North Wales!]

Meet Caesar, the therapy llama
[Read on Washington Post]

Arse-wiping in Ancient Rome
[Read on JSTOR]

The last remaining Blockbuster is now a 90s themed AirBnB
[See it here]

WAP: The Ben Shapiro Remix
[Listen on Soundcloud]

While we’re reliving our favourite moments of the 00s, here’s Giles Coren’s infamous 2008 tantrum at his sub-editors
[The initial letter]
[The response]

And here’s Rita Ora’s 2009 audition for Eurovision
[Revisit on YouTube]

Still Bored?
If you want more gossip and Popbitch nostalgia, we’re still sending out our corona-quarantine daily editions. You can catch up on the previous 100+ issues of that here, as well as sign up for the forthcoming ones.
[The Daily Tonic]