Popbitch
  • Latest Email
  • Stories
  • Archive
  • Club Popbitch
  • Quizzes
  • About

Mutually Assured Distraction

   _,_         JUSTWEARS
  (_ _)        Step into the palace, for
    \ \        your phallus. JW pants are
     \ \       crafted from wood. The pouch
     _\ \__    means 0% sweat, 100% comfort
    (  \   )   Try them and save 20% with
    \___\___/  code POPBITCH20 [HERE]

As seen on Dragons’ Den. +4,000 five star reviews.

“Whenever I don’t know what to write, I ask myself: ‘What would Prince do?'”- Ryan Tedder
logo
Free newsletter every Thursday subscribe
Email stories to us hello@popbitch.com
* Rooney v Vardy: the perfect ending
* Fanny-munching funk goes global
* PLUS: The next ten years…
>> Dogg bowl <<
Up to his old tricks
 

Photos of Snoop Dogg taking a furtive pull on a spliff before his Super Bowl appearance last weekend were picked up all across the media, to the surprise of absolutely no-one. The only vaguely shocking thing about it was that he went to the trouble of trying to be discreet.

A few summers ago, Snoop was invited to headline a corporate gig in Huntington Beach, California. Promoters were keen to make sure he didn’t disrupt the delicate, professional vibe of the event so, ahead of his slot, he was told by some very stern suited types in no uncertain terms there was to be no swearing in his set and definitely no drugs.

So obviously Snoop bounded onto stage with a nine inch spliff in one hand, while shouting into the mic in his other “…FUCK’S HAPPENIN’?”

While Lorraine Kelly films her morning show, her dog waits in the wings being fed treats by an expensive-looking dog handler.
>> Soiled Bill <<
A sinking feeling
 

It gives us no pleasure to report this, but we have to update our list of celebrity sink-dodgers to include a beloved national treasure.

A queue formed outside the toilets in fancy department store Liberty last week, thanks to a gentleman who was conducting a phone call in his locked cubicle. When the call ended (and his other business was concluded) out stepped a very suave Bill Nighy.

Who then walked off without washing his hands.

Prince Andrew’s £12m settlement works out at about 18p per UK citizen.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
 

Which MP used to play a game with his travel buddies when taking flights to see which of them could cadge the jammiest upgrade into first class? One particularly audacious attempt nearly caused a flight to be rerouted because one of their party feigned such a convincing illness to get a more comfortable seat that cabin crew were concerned he had a case of appendicitis.

Win a Porsche GT4 +£2.5K for just £4.29 this Sunday. There’s limited tickets, a live draw and a guaranteed winner. 7 Days Performance have given away over £21m in prizes to date to over 2,750 winners – could you be next?
[Get your tickets here]
>> Smoke damage <<
If the shoe fits…
 

BC writes:
“You were asking about what some famous DJs were up to these days. Smokin’ Jo (still the only woman to be ranked #1 by DJ Magazine) is now a very successful yoga instructor, hosting Smokin’ Joga sessions.

“Recently heard that she’s writing her memoirs. Hopefully she’ll include the story of the time she took so many drugs that she didn’t take her shoes off for four days, because she was convinced her feet had turned into hooves.”

Adam Rickett now runs a hipster beer and gin place called Dexter & Jones in Knutsford.
>> Courting danger <<
Mutually assured distraction
 

Ever since the WAGatha Christie scandal first erupted, there’s been a fantasy outcome in our minds. It never felt particularly plausible; we were really just trying to imagine the funniest possible end result. But weirdly, as various legal arguments have been tossed out by judges, our hypothetical outcome remains one of the last ones standing.

A judge has just refused Colleen Rooney’s bid to add Rebekah Vardy’s former agent to the proceedings. It’s significant because, as Rooney was clearly aware when she dropped her initial bombshell (the carefully worded “It’s……….. Rebekah Vardy’s account”), there has always been the possibility that someone other than Vardy had access to that account.

Of the messages revealed in court so far (the ones that didn’t fall to the bottom of the North Sea) it seems the former agent had access to all the same Instagram stories Rooney was convinced only Vardy could see. There could well be others too – but we’re unlikely to know for sure as the judge has ruled it’s too late to drag anyone else into it. The case is strictly Rooney v Vardy. Which keeps a vital possibility in play.

If it turns out that a third party had been accessing Vardy’s Instagram, it could end up that:

* Rooney leaked fake stories about herself to catch a rat, caught the wrong rat and now faces losing a multi-million pound trial because of it

* Vardy, in trying to prove her innocence, employs such scorched earth tactics that all sorts of other damning revelations come to light in evidence, shredding her reputation regardless of the verdict

* The mole at the heart of the entire beef simply rides out into the sunset without a scratch on their character…

Up until a few years ago, Tim Simenon (Bomb The Bass) was running a meatball café in Prague called ‘Brixton Balls’.
>> Cage awareness <<
The lion sneaks tonight
 

Though it isn’t something they generally care to publicise, there’s a story that circulates among staff at London Zoo about the lions there. Apparently, not only are they incredibly clever, but the number of times the lions have managed to escape from their enclosure and wander about the premises for a decent amount of time is – as we heard it – “not zero”.

Could this be the world’s best bed sheet? 1000’s of customers love the fitted sheet from Rise & Fall. It’s ultra-luxurious and super soft with a 600-thread count. And its extra-deep and grippy elastic means it stays 100% secure through the night. Available on its own or part of a bedding bundle.
[Buy now at Rise & Fall]
>> PR pressure <<
Comms ci, comms ça
 

After fumbling his first few days in the Downing Street job, we wonder if the PM’s new comms guy Guto Harri has found a slightly better footing this week.

Those who have memories of Guto’s days at NewsUK say Boris is likely to have had plenty of facetime with him. They remember Guto sticking to the company CEO, Tom Mockeridge, like paper to the wall – so keen to rub shoulders with senior management at every possible opportunity that he would even follow Mockeridge to the toilet whenever he went.

As for those below him, we’re curious to know how their weekends were. One of Guto’s most infamous tricks at News UK (much like a number of celebrity lawyers of our acquaintance) was to save any email liable to cause a shitstorm for 4:59pm on a Friday. Sending just early enough to ruin the recipients’ weekends; just late enough to ignore all the frantic responses.

The method employed by New Zealand authorities to break up vaccine mandate protests outside the Parliament building? Playing James Blunt’s You’re Beautiful at full pelt.
>> Pussied out <<
Cunning linguists in Latvia
 

Promising news from Latvia. The fanny-munching funk band we’ve been telling you about these last few weeks came out top in both the national jury and public televote, which means that song will be Latvia’s official entry for Eurovision 2022.

How are they going to get away with performing a song whose opening line is “I don’t eat meat, I eat veggies and pussy”?

If the staging for their national heats is anything to go by, they’ve got five huge screens behind them and when the singer is supposed to sing “pussy” he cuts out and the word flashes up on screen instead. Only, they can’t print the word “pussy” on TV either. So have had to swap out an S for a cat-face emoji.

Nominative Determinism Of The Week: Ron Sexsmith’s PR is called… Ted Cummings.
>> Keep on keeping up <<
The Kardashian influence continues
 

Ten years ago, we ran a story about Kris Humphries, the basketball player and former husband of Kim Kardashian. He’d been getting booed by the crowd at a Knicks v Nets game and was taken off court, only for the crowd to then start yelling “WE WANT KRIS! WE WANT KRIS!” so that he’d come back on. So they could boo some more.

It seemed about as perfect a distillation of 21st century celebrity as we were ever going to get.

A decade later, the Kardashian klan still wield an outsized influence on celebrity culture, and we wondered if we’d maybe seen the quote that is likely to sum up the next ten years this week in an interview with Kanye’s now ex-girlfriend, Julia Fox.

“Celebrities are not that fucking important. You can tell us about your stupid fucking date. We’re in a pandemic. Give people something to talk about. Do your fucking service, do your job.”

[The full profile is here]

Want a little extra Popbitch in your life? Join Club Popbitch – where members get an extra weekly mailout, daily music quizzes and full access to the Popbitch site and back catalogue, all for as little as £4/month. Interested?
[Join the club…]
>> Hmmms <<
Bloops, blogs, tats
 

An 8-bit rendering of Miles Davis’ Kind Of Blue
[Kind Of Bloop]

An AI that will generate you a made-up Pokemon
[Make your own here]

Want to give your kid a Nick Cave tattoo?
[He’s selling them…]

A star-studded oral history of the end of Mamma Mia 2
[Read on Vulture]

Seven Nation Army – by an orchestra of electrical devices
[Listen on YouTube]

What does Cardi B’s defamation lawsuit mean for the future of YouTube gossip bloggers?
[Read on Vice]

Thanks to: JD, JA, AM, danceswithmustelids, JH, babs, CS, BC, leadbone, GoP, KS, AG, ST, monstris
Old Jokes Home
Q/ How could Kim Kardashian tell Kanye had sent her a Valentine?
A/ The bad wrapping.

Still Bored?

Where is that famous photo of Andrew, Virginia and Ghislaine?
[Read on The Daily Beast]

Fancy Another?

  • Bad Elevator Etiquette
  • Recession Indicators
  • Computer Says No
  • Pair With Broiled Raccoon
  • The Smell of Electronic Cheese
Sign Up
  • Privacy
  • FAQ
  • GDPR Statement