Pee Peas

Bribery. Corruption. Exploitation. Human rights abuses. There’s been an endless cavalcade of travesties surrounding this World Cup – and that’s before we even touch on the return of Dapper Laughs.

Yes, Dapper is back and due to host a screening of the England v USA match at the O2 tomorrow. Take-up appears to have been a little slow though. Seat-filling services have been deployed this week to see if they can drum up any punters with free tickets.

Ever wondered what goes on underneath the judges’ desks on Strictly Come Dancing? No? Fine, but we’re going to tell you anyway.

Out of sight of the cameras, the judges have individual tubs of Celebrations to graze on during filming. Last week, Motsi Mabuse was seen sneaking miniature Mars Bars to Paul Chuckle of the Chuckle Brothers who was sat behind her.

Friends of which I’m A Celebrity campmate had to invest in throws for their sofas because their famous friend sweats so profusely that they kept getting left with wet arse marks on their upholstery?

We didn’t expect the mystery of Kay Burley’s rumoured pet leopard to have quite so many facets to it, but various pieces of the puzzle landed in our inbox this week.

One reader from Kay’s hometown of Wigan wondered if the story had anything to do with a beloved local pet shop they had growing up called Tom Whalley’s. Tom was known for keeping quite a few exotic animals and, according to local tales, would often be seen around town walking a leopard on a leash.

When Kay bought Carry On star Kenneth Connor’s home later in life, the living room came with a leopard’s head mounted on the wall, which she decided to keep. And decorate.

But the clearest connection is through her ex-husband Steve Kutner. Steve has looked after an impressive collection of wild beasts in his time – including wolves, alligators and cheetahs.

Michael Gove is becoming a bit of a fixture on the book launch party scene. He was at his shadow counterpart Lisa Nandy’s launch event on Tuesday, telling her he was going to buy three copies of her book – one for each of his cabinet colleagues who could read (and promised to get the rest of them the audiobook).

He also invited a recent Bumble match to another one too. The woman in question thought she’d been messaging with a man who just happened to look a bit like Michael Gove – but was left in no doubt that it actually was him when he suggested an activity for their first date.

Attending the launch of Simon Heffer’s latest book. (Sexy.)

Last week, we wrote about the ongoing beef between Bruce Dickinson and Sharon Osbourne, suggesting that Bruce got off lightly being pelted with eggs at Ozzfest as Sharon usually makes her enemies drink her wee.

Seems as though Bruce can go pound for pound with her on piss punishments though. As a boy, he was expelled from Oundle school for taking a slash in his headmaster’s dinner.

That might sound like a bit of heavy metal myth-making, but Bruce’s former housemaster – James Berry – has gone on record to confirm it. “Bruce urinated in the peas and was then unwise enough to go round telling everyone what he’d done. I didn’t know – I ate the dinner too and the peas tasted OK to me. Perhaps that’s a good way of cooking them.”

Bruce was expelled when the headmaster found out about it as he felt such conduct was “not becoming of a gentleman.”

Last summer, Sarah Brand had a minor viral smash with her self-directed music video, Red Dress, which picked up a lot of attention because of Sarah’s, erm… distinctive vocal stylings. Her weirdly off-key singing sparked speculation that the entire project was some sort of secret social experiment, after people learned she was a sociology graduate of Oxford and UC Berkeley.

Well, either she didn’t get sufficient data to present her findings, or she is actually trying to launch herself as the decade’s strangest pop star, because her latest single On The Surface is even more of a rollercoaster than Red Dress.

[Experience it here]

Now that he hasn’t got a national economy to cock up, how is Kwasi Kwarteng going to fill his free time?

Perhaps he’ll pick up a project he was toying with before his brief stint as chancellor? Shopping round a play he’s apparently written.

A comedy. About Brexit.

Although Sir James Dyson famously moved his business to Singapore, he has retained a few office locations in the UK. At most of them, he has his own personal private bog. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have that particular luxury at the Bristol office. So how does he avoid having to slum it in the standard lavs while working there?

He maintains a simple ‘No Fluids’ regimen, which he’ll often keep up for the whole day.

Kanye West announced this week that he was running for President again in 2024, but with a secret weapon working on his campaign this time: Milo Yiannopoulos.

From failed tech entrepreneur, to disgraced Steve Bannon acolyte, to born-again gospel singer it’s bizarre to think this old Telegraph blogger and Soho habitué is once again prancing around the batshit fringe of American politics.

What’s especially bizarre is how Milo’s connections to US politics appear to have begun. His introduction came thanks to a meeting he once had with George W Bush set up by a Close Personal Friend of his. The MP better known for getting sacked this autumn after allegations of misconduct at party conference surfaced (and for supposedly getting on Mel B’s bad side in an elevator) Conor Burns.

Why do some poos float, while others sink?
[Science is looking into it]

Take On Me gets the Trombone Champ treatment
[Watch on YouTube]

A doctor uses John Wick to explain every bone in the body, and how they break
[Watch on YouTube]

Sheep v Bucket
[Watch on Twitter]

A shark tracker
[Track sharks!]

A weirdly detailed old Tumblr dedicated to the whereabouts of Rupert Murdoch
[Murdoch Here]

A tour of a Japanese toilet paper factory
[Watch on YouTube]

The 2022 finalists of the Comedy Wildlife Photo
[Waving racoon FTW]

Still Bored?
Find out (roughly) what time it is with excerpts from novels
[The Literature Clock]