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“I still don’t know what Simon writes about half the time. And I like that” – Nick Rhodes, Duran Duran |
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* A West End sausage party
* Noel Edmonds: guided by vibes
* PLUS: A Platinum Jubilee pull-out |
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>> Sniffy business << |
Keeping their powder dry |
The Sue Gray report paints a pretty bacchanalian portrait of No.10 over the pandemic with various different knees-ups seeing guests puking, spilling red wine up the walls, bullying underlings, shagging one another and doing karaoke.
Weird that they’d get up to all that, you might think, but there’s not been even the vaguest hint of drug-taking going on. Well-placed Westminster gossips are convinced that it’s the next shoe to drop. Moreover, they reckon there’s evidence that cocaine was used at some of the parties that hasn’t come to light yet as the codewords that revellers were using for gak have so far flown under the investigators’ radars. |
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2012: Hollywood films in China had a 47% market share.
2022: Hollywood films in China have a 9% share so far. |
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>> Sausage party << |
Nice to meat you |
Clearly there are no hard feelings between Peter Andre and Rebekah Vardy after her historic kiss’n’tell allegations about the size of his manhood got a fresh airing in court recently.
At a press evening for his star turn in Grease in the West End, Pete took to greeting assorted media and showbiz pals at an aftershow soirée, acting as a canapé server, offering them a tray of chipolatas as they entered. |
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Elvis-themed Vegas weddings may soon be a thing of the past. The company that owns the likeness rights to Elvis Presley has been firing out cease-and-desist letters to multiple Las Vegas chapels these last few weeks. |
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>> Big Questions << |
Who’s asking what this week? |
Which GB News star has forbidden the make-up team from touching his hair when getting him ready for the camera as he’s nervous they’ll disrupt the delicate new combover technique he’s recently adopted? (Andrew Neil’s influence clearly still felt there…) |
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*** THE POPBITCH PLATINUM JUBILEE PULL-OUT ***
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>> Royal tea << |
Her Maj’s stamp of approval |
Before we get started, if you find the idea of gossiping about the Queen distasteful, you should know that Liz herself is a huge gossip fiend. Not only does she get a personalised private gossip email sent to her every day by government insiders, she specifically requests that it be filled with the proper, behind-the-scenes Westminster dirt that “doesn’t make the press”.
Given that we sparked a minor national security issue when we pointed out Boris Johnson’s personal phone number was freely available on the internet, we figure it’s pretty likely that Her Maj has been forwarded at least one Popbitch story in her time.
But if she’s truly keen to know all the stories about MPs that the press haven’t touched (and demands fresh daily content to boot) there’s also a non-zero chance that the Queen has whiled away a lunchtime reading about Michael Gove using a hoover to unclog turds from his toilet, Dominic Raab dancing naked but for a showercap in a hotel room, and Nigel Farage’s pepper grinder. |
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The Queen called her first corgi Susan. |
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>> Royal bust << |
Buckingham v Beckingham |
Because she’s one of the most prized targets for terrorists, the Queen’s handlers have to be very guarded with hard details when arranging her personal appearances. So when Liz made a surprise cameo on the front row of London Fashion Week a few years back, the British Fashion Council was under strict orders not to confirm the identity of the very special guest that was due to appear at Richard Quinn’s show to anyone – not even the editors of Vogue.
Sadly, Edward Enninful was so unimpressed by the BFC’s vague messaging – thinking the chatter of an unnamed VIP guest was just the usual PR puffery – that he palmed the invitation off on to Anna Wintour instead.
When he saw the pictures of Anna and Liz side by side, he hit the roof, furious at the BFC for not making it clear enough to him. As an olive branch, the BFC has promised to invite Edward to every event they throw with the next best thing to the Queen… David and Victoria Beckham. |
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According to Soho House, the Queen Mother used to be Veuve Clicquot’s biggest private client anywhere in the world. |
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>> Big Question II << |
A Buckingham bogs bonus |
Which gruesome singer-shagger boasts about having once sloped off from a party at Buckingham Palace in order to have a few sneaky lines in the Queen’s guest bogs? He claims he couldn’t turn the opportunity down, but didn’t want to be too disrespectful – so chopped his portion up into a nice “HRH” shape. |
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Princess Margaret was once offered cocaine by Jack Nicholson. |
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>> Royal flush << |
Protecting the throne |
If you can be arsed to make it, there is an official Platinum Jubilee pudding (Lemon Swiss Roll and Amaretti Trifle) but a cheaper, more fitting tribute would be to chop up a banana and drop it into some chocolate Angel Delight. Why?
Ahead of a visit from the Queen, staff at one hospital remember being given very clear instructions by the Palace on the logistics involved in allocating a toilet for Royal use. HRH’s bodyguards were required to stick as close to Her Majesty as possible at all times, but – naturally – didn’t want to be so close that they could hear the Royal plop hitting the pan.
The method employed to figure out exactly where guards could be positioned respectfully was to have someone repeatedly drop a chunk of banana into the toilet bowl, while someone else outside took a step away from the door with each splash to find the closest possible point where the sound was inaudible. |
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Need something to fill your four-day weekend? How about the latest Play-At-Home Popbitch Popquiz – which contains eight brand new rounds like Farmyard Or Fetish? The Neil Parish MP guessing game, a Royal nickname wordsearch, celebrity court portraits, and much more. Just £5 for everything you need to play… [Get your Popbitch Popquizzes here] |
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>> Clinton crap << |
A right Royal stitch up |
Depending on how much you’re prepared to take the word of a dead, disgraced sex criminal, one of Max Clifford’s most interesting stories concerned former Royal butler Paul Burrell.
Clifford insisted that Burrell had confessed everything to him, and explained that many of the trinkets and nik-naks that had been found in Burrell’s possession weren’t actually stolen. They were unwanted gifts, given to the Royals by various heads of state that they had discarded with disdain.
The “Burrell The Burglar” story was concocted to spare the blushes of the Firm, as it would have been a source of huge embarrassment should it ever have got out that the Queen had – say – called an expensive vase given to her by the Clintons “a piece of useless crap” which she then fobbed off on to a man-servant. |
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KE writes: “It’s definitely not credible, but my absolute fave conspiracy theory: some years ago a shitfaced horse racing millionaire was telling me that the Queen is going on so strong because she was ill and had Shergar’s heart donated in a transplant. And that’s where Shergar went.” |
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>> Making waves << |
Going south down under |
Noel Edmonds has just bought three properties in Nelson, on the south island of New Zealand – claiming that the “positive energy” of the region enticed him. No doubt the negative energy that’s been mounting at his previous pad on the north island helped too.
Having launched an NZ spin-off of his Positivity Network radio station back in 2020, with a lot of community help, the station is currently inactive – having disappeared without explanation and leaving quite a few people there a little miffed.
Also potentially connected? A tabloid journalist was out there last month, pounding the pavement trying to rustle up a story. |
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Liverpool fans weren’t the only ones to suffer when the Champions League final was delayed. Real Madrid midfielder Fede Valverde said pre kick-off nerves meant he “went to the toilet more than ever before in my life”. |
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>> Curtains up << |
Monkey wee, monkey do |
Word reaches us from a London health centre that the latest orders from infection control have led to a very unfortunate set-up with their monkeypox testing.
Punters and staff were informed last week that all suspected monkeypox attendees were forbidden from sharing the general clinic’s toilet facilities. Furthermore, all curtains and soft furnishings have been ordered to be removed from examination rooms, as they could potentially prove a contamination risk.
So the poor suspected pox cases have been required to provide their urine samples into those tiny plastic vials in full frontal view of staff. |
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Thanks to: KE, MJB, the_earl_of_essex, MH, chablis, CBS, clark_bent, DJ, NN, E, CB, AC, F, wienerbalcony |
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Old Jokes Home
Lester Piggott’s funeral is on Wednesday – starting at twenty to one.
Still Bored?
Want to send a text message from Kelly Rowland’s phone from the Dilemma video?
[Now you can] |
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