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Police Vulgarity

 

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“He’s out” – Kanye West’s campaign adviser
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* Copeland’s Japanese fanny!
* Corbett’s knacker scratcher!
* PLUS: The business of libel
>> Shit-stirring <<
This stuff never sticks
 

The biggest celebrity story continues to be the Johnny Depp libel trial, which culminated in a literal airing of dirty laundry this week as the court engaged in deep discussions about who left a honking great log in the middle of his and Amber Heard’s marital bed.

Usually this sort of stuff is the preserve of urban legends, but whoever was responsible can rest assured that these sorts of stories aren’t always so sticky for famous people.

For example, who remembers the stories that Jean Claude Van Damme once shat himself on the set of his Coors adverts? Or that Meat Loaf had to cancel an appearance on Loose Women last minute because of a backstage incident? Or that Tom Hardy once chose to soil himself on set rather than break the flow of filming a scene?

Not us…

Banksy’s first gig was seeing Erasure in Shepton Mallet.
>> What a snip! <<
Gove’s grooming giveaway
 

A photo of Michael Gove emerging from a Pret A Manger without a mask has been widely criticised this week – but no-one took the time to mention what a nice, neat haircut he was sporting.

Michael was turned on to his regular salon by his wife, Sarah Vine, who was invited to avail herself of their launch offer of free haircuts for invited journalists. Sarah mentioned to them that Michael might like a free haircut too, so the salon obliged.

There seems to have been a breakdown in communication somewhere along the line though as Gove has come in to the salon about once a month since and still seems to think their launch offer holds – years later.

No-one quite knows how to bring it up with him but not only has he yet to settle up for one of his haircuts, we’re told he hasn’t left a tip either. Even after lockdown.

A Joe Exotic Museum is currently being curated. One of the exhibits expected to feature? His penis pump.
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
 

Last week’s Jane Moore silent rollercoaster story was confirmed by the woman herself on Loose Women yesterday lunchtime. What we want to know now is, seeing as the ladies are reading Popbitch, when are we going to get confirmation about the former LW panellist who once got tipsy on a flight and started telling fellow passengers all about the colleague she once very generously licked out, but never had the favour returned?

Arena Flowers, the UK’s most ethical florist, has launched subscription flowers. Monthly, fortnightly or weekly, receive a frankly enormous box of seasonal blooms right to your door. The freshest, best quality flowers available in the UK – only £15 plus delivery. Readers get a whopping 50% off their first box with promo code SUBSCRIPTION.
[Get 50% off your first box here]
>> The Daily Tonic <<
The second wave
 

Next month, Popbitch will send out its 1,000th weekly issue. Ahead of that, we’re going to be retooling our lockdown daily editions slightly and using them to revisit some of our favourite stories from the last 20 years in the lead up to our milestone issue.

Each weekday, from Monday, we’ll start with 2000 and work our way through the years. If you want to join us for this trip down memory lane, you’ll need to sign up to the dedicated daily mailing list here – and you can catch up on the 100 daily issues we’ve sent out so far.

[Get The Daily Tonic]

Got any favourite memories from the early 00s you couldn’t share with us at the time? hello@popbitch.com
>> Police vulgarity <<
Copeland’s naughty pounding
 

To mark the anniversary of Live Aid, last Monday’s daily was an excuse to write up some of our favourite stories about the acts that played there – including the long-standing beef between Sting and Stewart Copeland.

Tensions between the two Police-men are famously fraught, and one way Copeland works through it is by scrawling various messages on his drums, like “Sting Is A Cunt” or “Fuck Off You Cunt”.

Copeland seems keen to make sure his message is understood by the widest possible audience too. On this photo you may see he’s also scrawled a few Japanese hiragana characters on his toms. They translate out as “o”, “ma”, “n” and “ko”.

No prizes for guessing what “omanko” is Japanese for…

Nominative Determinism of the Week I: Tatler’s social media editor is called… Hope Coke!
>> Bear down <<
Sooty gets scratching
 

We’ve regularly been asking daily readers to tell us about the strangest things they’ve ever caught celebrities doing.

HT writes:
“When I was a young teenager I used to attend drama workshops at our local theatre. As a result of this I was allowed backstage for a show when Matthew Corbett brought Sooty to town.

“I loved Sooty as a child so was horrified when standing in the wings I saw Matthew reach down and scratch his bollocks with Sooty on his hand.”

Nominative Determinism of the Week II: The founder of Shewee (the gusset funnel contraption that allows women to wee standing up) is called… Samantha Fountain!
>> Sean Tombs <<
Diddy’s Manhattan mausoleum
 

To add to the pantheon of “Tupac is alive” conspiracy theories, there’s a great little rumour going round the tony brownstones of western Manhattan.

Suge Knight thinks Pac’s alive and making music in Malaysia. A new documentary alleges it was a body double that got shot and the rapper actually made a getaway to live with the Navajo. But P Diddy’s neighbours in Chelsea have a different story.

His neighbours are all convinced that Diddy has Tupac’s body entombed at his apartment.

“Like Lenin,” as they delight in telling people.

As we spend so much of our lives online, it makes sense to ensure you’re as safe on the internet as you are IRL. ZenMate is now offering a new browser extension for their VPN which offers anonymous browsing with military grade security. With 74 countries coverage and unlimited devices for each account, stay protected.
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>> Bunch of cuts <<
For whom libel tolls
 

There’s been another huge swathe of job losses across the media this week as the industry struggles to find effective ways to keep itself afloat.

One idea we’ve been trying is Axate: a pay-as-you-go wallet that works across multiple sites and replaces traditional subscriptions with a small fee for individual stories as and when you want to read them – which always struck us as the way a lot of normal people actually use the internet, not as a bunch of high-salaried, long-lunch media execs keep pretending.

If you wanted to test the system out, there’s a piece we wrote a few years ago that might be of interest. It’s about how expensive celebrity libel proceedings can be, how lawyers’ bills quickly rack up – and how two bad tweets ended up costing Katie Hopkins £300,000.

It requires an Axate account to read, but once you’ve signed up you get access to any of our individual long reads for a one-off payment of 25p. There’s a weekly spending cap of 50p too, so if you really want to blitz our back catalogue, you can do it really cheaply and still help support us.

[Read ‘For Whom Libel Tolls’]

The latest heritage format to make an unexpected return? The cassette – on track to sell 100,000 units this year for the first year since 2003.
>> Kiss ‘n’ tell <<
A passionate defence
 

Among the other celebrities to have sued the Sun for libel is Cameron Diaz, who won “substantial” damages in 2005 after they suggested she’d been caught snogging colleague Shane Nickerson while dating Justin Timberlake.

Of course, anyone who had the misfortune of seeing Cameron and Justin together will know just how passionately devoted they were to each other when dating. The pair of them were sucking face so vigorously at one BAFTA event they attended together, that Cameron’s PR had to physically separate them, chastising them with the line “This is not SCHOOL!”

Once again the Germans have the right word for the current political climate: “Fisselig”, meaning “flustered to the point of incompetence”.
>> Granted gift <<
It must be a sign
 

NASA’s recurring announcement that they know of a 13th Zodiac sign is picking up steam again, so celebrity astrologer Russell Grant is going to have to brush up his party trick.

When being introduced to new faces, Russell will take their hand to shake, give them a big beaming smile and say something like: “Ooo! Pisces! Interesting…”

That 12-1 shot is now a 13-1 shot, but the people it works on are so impressed it’s probably still worth it.

Know a celeb with better introductory patter? hello@popbitch.com

A BRAND NEW POPBITCH POPQUIZ: The Silver Edition. Eight new rounds of the legendary Popbitch Popquiz are now ready to be downloaded and played in the Covid-safety of your own home. Summer songs! Dirty Disney movies! Make your own Banksys! And much, much more…
[It’s yours for a fiver]
>> Hmmms <<
Sheds, shirts, sexier fish
 

Look out of strangers’ windows, all around the world
[Window Swap]

Plasticine penguin v Shape-shifting alien
[Lee Hardcastle’s “Thingu”]

Local News Of The Week: Shed Head Man Edition
[Read on Bristol Post]

Is streaming changing the DNA of pop music?
[Some interesting thoughts]

A very peculiar local angle to the death of Kelly Preston
[Read on Kiis1065]

If Jess Glynne still wants some sexy fish…
[Weird headline of the week]

Why are Linkin Park T-shirts everywhere in China?
[A Wired investigation]

Fun conspiracy theory of the week: Is Ghislaine Maxwell secretly one of the world’s most influential Redditors?
[A brief primer]

Thanks to: HT, AS, GP, KL, JMLH, BT, JS, VS, NT, CE, J, OS, S, MP, AC, R, monstris, poshduckhunter, RS
Old Jokes Home
Why does the Pope like Swiss cheese?
Because it’s holey

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[We did it in two minutes]

 

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