Robert Deux Niros

There haven’t been many tears shed in Whitehall over the resignation of Dominic Raab.

Not just because he was “an absolute shit” (as recently described by a former cabinet colleague) but because Raab was also notorious for submitting Freedom Of Information requests to whichever department he found himself placed in, to find out what his officials had been saying about him.

There was a joke in this week’s Succession about tech billionaire bro Lukas Matsson wearing noise-cancelling headphones to listen to podcasts while he had sex. A few outlets have spotted that the gag actually comes from a real Hollywood rumour about a well-known A-Lister: Leonardo Di Caprio.

Some industrious reporters have traced it back to an OK! Magazine article from 2016, but the story is much, much older than that. Nearly 20 years old to the day, in fact. We ran a version of the story back in PB163 (May 2003) after a dancer at a London stripclub claimed Leo had popped on a pair of headphones so he could listen to whalesong while the two of them went at it.

If it helps to put that timeframe in Di Caprio context: Leo’s last known girlfriend, Eden Polani, was six weeks old when we first ran it.

Which broadsheet book reviewer recently leaked a review copy of a book they hated to friends so they could all get a good giggle out it? It’s possibly spread a bit further than they intended though as the whole of Westminster is currently reading the same forwarded copy – with a very identifying watermark branded legibly on every single page.

Ellie Goulding’s new album debuted at No.1 last Friday amid a bunch of press claims she’d set some impressive-sounding chart records. Digging a little deeper behind the headlines, it seems she’s also set a few less impressive ones too. Higher Than Heaven had the worst opening week tally for any new No.1 album so far this year with fewer than 12K units to its name.

And where is it to be seen on this week’s Top 40? Nowhere. It fell from No.1 to No.84 in the midweeks.

Albums that are charting higher this week inc:

* Definitely Maybe (Oasis, 1994; No.57)

* Get Rich Or Die Tryin’ (50 Cent, 2003; No.77)

* Teenage Dream (Katy Perry, 2010; No.41)

Over the course of his career, Barry Humphries successfully turned his hand to most media: TV, film, books, plays, musicals, cartoons, etc. One area in which he didn’t have much success was the charts – but it wasn’t for lack of trying.

Barry had one song up his sleeve that was tipped to be a sizeable hit: Two Little Girls (Called Edna And Madge). The publisher refused to release it though as he believed the original was a “work of art”.

And couldn’t get permission from… Rolf Harris.

In the early 2000s, Endemol picked up the rights to produce a series based on Ben Elton’s book Dead Famous – about a murder on a live show that’s basically Big Brother.

The idea was to use the actual UK Big Brother house, because production costs would be near zero and it would give the series an authentic look.

It seemed like a no-brainer and they expected Channel 4 to snap it up so quickly they’d be off for drinks and a fancy lunch before they’d even got their coats off. Instead, they were surprised to find the pitch was met with silence. A commissioning editor for C4 eventually broke that silence by asking Ben Elton if he had ever written any half-hour comedy, because that was really what they were interested in making.

More silence ensured. Then Ben Elton left.

Presumably Charlie Brooker had a more reassuring answer when he pitched them Dead Set a few years later – about a deadly zombie outbreak on Big Brother, filmed in the Big Brother house.

P writes:
“My favourite un-bought pitch was a spoof gameshow called The Greedy Bastard Show, which did things like destroy kidney machines or put down dogs if people failed at standard game show tasks. The rejection letter, from Paul Jackson at the BBC, was framed on my desk for years. “If the BBC ever commissioned a show like this I’d leave the country” and then the name and number of a therapist were proffered in response to the treatment.”

About ten years ago, there was a self-help book released called The 4 Hour Body. The book contained a chapter about giving women 15 minute orgasms: a practice taught by the now infamous Nicole Daedone.

Nicole’s company OneTaste has since been through the standard damning coverage gauntlet (Bloomberg articles, Netflix documentaries, a BBC podcast, etc) but back in her day she was quite a fixture on the lecture circuit.

Among the attendees at one of her talks was the actor Brian Cox. Sadly, he never showed up to any of the group OMs (orgasmic meditations) she ran – preferring instead to keep his expert clit-diddling technique within the comfort of his own private quarters.

Stephen Mangan told a fun anecdote in the Telegraph yesterday that got us thinking about nightmare celebrity encounters.

Mangan says he once found himself in the same room as Robert De Niro at Tribeca Film Festival. Naturally he wanted to go and introduce himself but got very shy and nervous. Eventually plucking up enough courage to go over and speak to him, he introduced himself by saying “Hello, I’m Robert De Niro.”

To which De Niro looked irritated and replied “No, I’m Robert De Niro.”

And that was the end of their meeting.

Know of a worse celeb-on-celeb interaction? hello@popbitch.com

Last week, we asked if it really could have been Rula Lenska that one of you saw at a Trade night at Egg a few years back, bemoaning the quality of the modern eckies. Further eye witnesses have come forward.

One reader told us:

“Re, your Rula Lenska story: she was always at the odd Trade event back in the day and so I would say this story is true. I remember dancing next to her once and was amazed at how great her hair was when the rest of us were dripping sweat. She was always very lovely, smiled and said hi if you said hi to her.”

While another said:

“YES! I SAW HER TOO, THANKS FOR CONFIRMING I WASN’T TRIPPING.”

Afroman is running for president
[Twenty twenty-fro]

Want to buy Freddie Mercury’s old gossip phone?
[Sotheby’s are selling his tat]

…or Kenny G’s old house?
[$7.5m and it’s yours]

A deep dive on the origin of an LA writers’ room legend
[Who Jackie?]

Local News Of The Week I: Lamb Found In Car Next To £10,000 Of Heroin & Cocaine And A Bag Of Chips
[From Edinburgh Evening News]

Local News Of The Week II: Sunderland Man Admits Performing Sex Act While Kneeling Over Captured Seagull
[From Sunderland Echo]

The Rise And Fall Of BuzzFeed
[Read on Press Gazette]

Pop covers in a Donald Duck style
[Listen on Instagram]

Spurs’ lunch orders, circa 90/91
[Gazza = Lasagne and cornflakes]

Fugee News: Pras got convicted
[Read on Rolling Stone]

Nominative Determinism Of The Week: The BBC reporter writing stories about European cocaine smuggling…
[Nick Beake!]

Still Bored?
The Burp And Fart Piano
[burpandfartpiano.com]