Spandau Buffet – Popbitch

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“I’ve got addicted to cheese, which isn’t good. Although I’ve been eating lots of mandarins to be better.” – Andy Bell, Erasure

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* Unreal housewives of Jersey!

* Tree-licking cows of Iceland!

* PLUS: Tales from Kajagoogoo!

>> Talking cock <<

Prince Andrew v Keith Harris

It probably wasn’t the brand synergy the makers of Spitting Image were hoping for, revealing their latest puppet for Prince Andrew on the same day court documents in the Ghislaine Maxwell case revealed a claim made by Virginia Roberts that Prince Andrew groped her using a Spitting Image puppet of himself.
It takes some doing to outflank the creepiest puppeteer story we’d heard previously, but Andy might well have clinched it with this. For even Keith Harris didn’t put Orville or Cuddles through such indignity when putting the moves on the ladies.
One woman who hit it off with Keith at a pantomime they were both in says he left the puppets well alone and instead turned his ventriloquism skills elsewhere – popping his old chap out and making it ‘talk’ to her. For minutes.

Is the Royal Horticulture Society basing their whole recruitment policy on getting in Popbitch? Congratulations to their new President, Mr Keith Weed. He’s joining their Head of Plant Health there, Mr Gerald Clover.

>> Katy purry <<

Free kittens for everyone!

Celebs have been quick to run to Ellen’s defence on social media, giving their own accounts of just how nice Ellen was to them on her show – seemingly oblivious to the fact that the red carpet treatment star guests get isn’t usually extended to the show’s runners, writers and assistants.
However, they managed to squeeze some praise out of Katy Perry and that’s no mean feat as Katy is not exactly easygoing with her demands.
On multiple sets, Katy has been known to insist that kittens be brought for her to play with while she has some downtime. After filming one UK promo a few years back, Katy announced she was done with the kitten and it was going spare if anyone on set wanted to keep it. One of the dancers offered to give it a home, but Katy would only agree to hand it over on one condition.
She had to name it Prism, after the album she was promoting at the time.

If network execs are genuinely considering James Corden as a safe replacement for Ellen, given the allegations of her workplace atmosphere, the very best of luck to you. Call us if you’re ever in the market for a bridge.

>> Big Questions <<

Who’s asking what this week?

The Tories have their reasons for not suspending the MP who was arrested at the weekend on suspicion of rape – but could they maybe see their way to suspending the MP who, just last week, propositioned a lady with the line “I’d like to smash your back doors in?”

With scorching weather on the way, no doubt you’ll fancy a few ice-cold brews to help you cool off. At HonestBrew you can get six craft beers for £10 including free delivery! This selection contains six favourites, picked for their suitability for a summer’s day. Plus, take this limited offer and get one month free HonestBrew Membership – loads of beery benefits! [Order yours here!]

>> Return of the hack <<

Looking back at the Mirror

Just when it looked like the phone-hacking era might finally be drawing to a close, there’s been a new development on the Reach PLC/Trinity Mirror side of things. Lawyers appear to have found some old palm pilots and BlackBerries belonging to a couple of the Mirror journalists at the centre of the allegations – and it seems there are a whole host of new famous names on them.
Luckily for Reach, they just let a load of employees go last month. Which should free up some cash to spend on another round of litigation.

Nick Cave went to Brighton beach last Saturday for a swim. He trudged home after in his flip-flops. Which were, of course, black.

>> Water palaver <<

Once cold, never warm

Salma Hayek is one of the most active film stars on Instagram, and does a good job mixing up the worthy messaging (like sending condolences to Beirut yesterday) with a range of bikini pics for her 15 million followers. On Tuesday, her video getting out of a swimming pool clocked up a quarter of a million views in the first 20 minutes. Let’s just hope whoever was filming it was on top of Salma’s demands.
Crew on a big outdoor fashion shoot with Salma tell us that when they asked the star if they could get her anything, all she wanted was a glass of water. Someone ran off to get it but after taking one sip, Salma turned up her nose and handed it back saying, “This is cold. I only drink room temperature.”
The runner tried to explain they only had refrigerated bottles of water at present, but if she left the glass for a few minutes it would soon reach room temperature.
Salma explained in return that, unless it started off at room temperature, it didn’t count – and refused to touch it.

In Iceland, if the cows lick the trees it is thought that it’s going to rain.

>> Mum’s the word <<

A master of augmented reality

There’s rumours in the press that a new addition to the Real Housewives franchise, the Real Housewives of Jersey, is currently in production on the island right now. One of the cast is supposedly Tessa Hartmann: the Scottish self-publicist best known for complaining in the newspapers about John Barrowman’s gay kiss at the Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony.
However, Popbitch readers might remember her better as the stage mum who has relentlessly been trying to launch her daughter, Tallia Storm, into the spotlight for eight long years.
Among the many ways she’s tried to secure column inches for her perpetually bikini’d daughter were attempts to link her first with Brooklyn Beckham, then Calvin Harris, then a Top Gear-era Chris Evans – and finally, her piece de resistance, a post-Heard split Johnny Depp!
If that’s what she does for her daughter, we can’t wait to see the sort of storylines she manages to drum up for herself…

The creator of The Walking Dead has won a ruling at the American Trademark Trial and Appeal Board blocking the authors of a cannabis-themed comic book called The Toking Dead from registering its name as a trademark.

>> Chris de Bronze <<

The gift that stopped giving

Cranston Bickle writes:

“A fair few years ago I worked at a pub/hotel in Lancashire. It was a privately owned, no-frills place and our clientele were usually workers doing building work or similar in the local area.
“I picked up on one of the fellers looking a lot like that Chris de Burgh chap. The laughing stops. “Yer shouldn’t have said that,” says one of his mates. The lookalike pipes up and says it’s OK, I wasn’t to know, etc. And then he tells us the story.
“Turns out this hard-working labourer is de Burgh’s actual brother. And it seemed he had no love for him. But it wasn’t the difference in money and circumstances that caused the family divide. What did it was the time Chris de Burgh bought his family members a bronze art piece for Christmas. Of Chris de Burgh’s own head, that he had commissioned.”

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>> The Daily Tonic <<

The teenage years begin

With two weeks to go until our 1000th issue, we’ve turned our limited edition lockdown dailies into a recap of each of the last 20 years in Popbitch history.
One of the things we’ve really enjoyed revisiting – but don’t have quite enough of to dedicate an entire mini-issue to – were some of the stories sent in to us by 80s legend Nick Beggs from Kajagoogoo. So we’re including them below instead.
Meanwhile, if you want to relive some highlights from the last decade, tomorrow we’re digging in to 2011: the summer of superinjunctions, the final News of the World and the death of Jimmy Savile…
[Sign up/catch up here]

Taylor Swift’s excellent Folklore has broken opening week sales records around the world, but in the UK its 37K sales didn’t come anywhere near the 53K debut week sales for Lady Gaga’s Chromatica in May.

>> Spandau buffet <<

Second helpings with Kemp

Nick Beggs from Kajagoogoo writes:

“During my time with Kajagoogoo I had the great fortune to hang out with all the chart toppers of the day. On one occasion I remember sitting with Spandau [Ballet] at a well known London rehearsal studio. My attention was caught by Martin Kemp who proceeded to scoop half his breakfast onto a small side-plate and cover it with a newspaper.
“On asking him why he had done this he said, ‘Well Nick, I really enjoy my food and it always seems to go so quickly. I always think to myself ‘That was great, I could eat that lot again.’ And then when I look under this newspaper I find the rest and think, ‘Wow! Great! I’ve still got this to eat.'”

Fifteen families of beavers have just won a legal challenge and been given a permanent right to remain on an East Devon river… the River Otter.

>> Ozzy fixation <<

The spawn of Osbourne

Nick Beggs from Kajagoogoo writes:

“I was performing at a rock/pop festival in Europe in the 80s and staying at a hotel with all the other luminaries of the day. I recall seeing Ozzy Osbourne and Bruce Dickinson talking in the hotel bar that evening. Becoming overwhelmed by my fan-like mentality I helplessly ran up to Ozzy and spouted, “Oh my God! Ozzy Osbourne! I can’t believe it, you were my biggest influence!”
“To which he replied. ‘Fuck off! I’m not taking the blame for that crap.'”

Pasta Evangelists have teamed up with world-renowned truffle pioneers, Urbani Tartufi, to create a limited-edition summer truffle tasting menu to enjoy at home. The code TRUFFLEPOP will get you 30% off your first delivery, but hurry. Orders for this need to be in by Friday morning.

[Snap yours up now]

>> Hmmms <<

Sausage keys, Minion sex, peas

Girl From Ipanema is a much weirder song than you first thought

[Learn on Youtube]
Wonder what Fabio and Grooverider have been up to recently? Grooverider is training to be a pilot. Full story on the excellent R.O.A.R: The ’90s Rave Podcast.

[Listen on Audioboom]
An oral history of Chris Morris’s Four Lions

[Read on Vice]
A German sausage piano

[Hear on YouTube]
Fun anecdote about Hugh Hefner’s private chef and the ‘Fuck You’ pea

[Read on FT]
The house near NASA where Neil Armstrong lived when he went to the moon is up for sale

[A snip at $375K]
Covid friendly disco event from Wiretapper, available in two areas of London from this weekend

[Download Discount Disco]
One for Madonna – Frida Kahlo’s greatest paintings explained

[See on YouTube]
Do Minions have sex?

[A MEL investigation]

Thanks to: GHK, COM, PC, TP, roger_mycock, AM, celtiagirl, S, RM, O, SW, JP, Party_B, MC, DW, PF, GM, oxygen_thief, JT, cc_baxter, Nick Beggs from Kajagoogoo

Old Jokes Home

I was watching an Australian cookery show and the audience clapped when the chef made pavlova.

I was surprised, as Australians normally boo meringue.
 
Still Bored?

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