“Taxi For Mr Pants!”

The Radio Times has an editorial policy in place that means they won’t print any photograph that shows somebody pointing a gun towards the camera. If you see someone toting a gun in the RT, they’ll be pointing it to the left or to the right; never in the direction of the reader.

But their rule makes an exception for just one person: James Bond.

The MailOnline has been overflowing with James Bond content this week. The last few days have seen a constant churn of No Time To Die features – with red carpet coverage, reviews, interviews with the cast, speculation on the franchise’s future, reminiscences of casts gone by. Every thrill, spill and busty display covered in minute detail.

It’s a far cry from the early days of the Bond franchise. The Daily Mail used to make a point of not reviewing Ian Fleming’s early novels.

Not because they disapproved of the content, but because Fleming had had a long-standing, marriage-ending affair with the wife of the paper’s owner, the second Viscount Rothermere.

Which former music exec once enjoyed a very debauched night in a hotel with an escort and the contents of their minibar? Waking up with a foggy head, they briefly feared the worst when they saw their bedsheets caked in brown smears. It was only when they spotted a line of ants leading from the door to a congealed, nutty mound on the bed that they remembered what they’d used the mini Toblerone for…

Here’s hoping Elon Musk is coping OK with his recent split from Grimes, as he hasn’t always handled his break-ups brilliantly.

When he and Talulah Riley divorced for the second time, Musk was so keen not to get into any long discussions about their break-up, or dwell on any of the emotional unpleasantness that such separations inevitably involve, he took to simply telling people Talulah had died instead.

With news that Steve Coogan is to play Jimmy Savile in a new BBC drama, talk has predictably turned once again to who knew what at the Beeb and when.

People point to John Lydon’s interview in 1978, and Jerry Sadowitz’s stand-up in the 80s, but it wasn’t just gobby outliers who were talking about it. Larry Grayson, the former host of the Generation Game, is reputed to have gladly told strangers all the things he’d heard concerning Savile’s hospital work – even going so far as to do an impression of Savile in a morgue.

And just in case the voice he did while acting it out didn’t make things entirely clear, he’d end by saying “He won’t be able to fucking fix that if it ever gets out!”

We’ve always enjoyed revealing the secret pseudonyms that celebrities use when trying to stay incognito. Like Keith Richards, who has gone by “Dr Uggs” and “Count Ziggenpuss”. Or Deadmau5, who checks in to hotels as “Master Splinter”. Or Kate Beckinsale, who has been known to use the alias “Sigourney Beaver”.

But we were reminded of one of our favourites this week when Shaun Ryder appeared on This Morning, telling a captivated nation about the time he stumbled out of bed to find a 20ft alien spacebus pootling about in his garden.

Someone who once arranged a shoot with Shaun was asked to send a driver to pick him up from the station and was given instructions to use a specific codename when collecting him. Not to protect Shaun’s anonymity so much, more because it amused Shaun to see his chauffeur holding up a placard bearing the name “MR PANTS”.

Stacey Solomon’s charmingly dizzy persona has gained her a huge following on Instagram – but she’s much more savvy than she often lets on.

Stacey’s recent Instagram stories have revolved around her rush to renovate her dream home before she gives birth any day now. Last week, she was showing followers the wooden gate she’d been jetwashing, sprucing it up so that she could fix a sign to it bearing her house’s distinctive name: “Pickle Cottage”.

Only to end up fixing the sign to the inside of the gate, rather than the more-traditional outside.

A classic Solomon muddle? A case of self-described ‘pregnancy brain’? Or a canny way of generating cute, relatable #content for the gram, without actually signposting her whereabouts to passing paps and fans?

It’s not just ageing PRs who are trying to recapture the media bacchanalia of yesteryear by giving their staff performance bonuses by the gram. It seems it’s industry-wide.

A former Bullingdon boy who now works in TV has recently been hosting private parties at one of London’s better-known members clubs that boast a “90s Journalism” theme. A theme that basically amounts to “doing loads of gak”.

So our heartfelt sympathies to the many Popbitch readers whose lives are now the subject of ironic revival.

ulysses writes:
“Funny you should mention all that dirty Sonic slash stuff [in PB1052]. When I was working on computer game mags around the turn of the century, and slightly before the internet became ubiquitous, a good third of our mailbag was made up of really filthy Sonic smut.

“We’d get frequent crayon drawings of all the characters getting it on, and some of the letters would make your hair curl. One particularly wonky letter about Sonic’s occasional nemesis Shadow that’s stayed with me ended roughly as follows: ‘I dream of riding Shadow like a cowgirl, and feel his sharp black spines piercing my soft white flesh until I bleed.’

“We thought it was someone taking the mickey until we realised that the postmarks came from all over the country.”

Pop fans are some of the internet’s most ruthless sleuths, managing to figure out all sorts of detailed information about their favourite celebs from the tiniest crumbs online – but it’s also amazing what stars will accidentally reveal on social media.

A few weeks ago we told you the reason Jesy Nelson’s debut single has been continually delayed is because Nicki Minaj has taken ages to get round to recording her part for it.

Nicki inadvertently confirmed as much in an Instagram reply to Jesy this week, saying: “I’m so mad I didn’t call myself the rudest little madame [sic] on the song tho. The barbz just reminded me”

Nicki adopted the ‘Rudest Little Madam’ nickname earlier this month, when Piers Morgan used it to describe her in the middle of the whole Swollen Trinidadian Testicles debacle. Which means the earliest she could have got her part committed to tape was September 14th – nearly a full month after Jesy’s people had originally been aiming to release it.

Chris de Burgh’s house is up for sale
[€12.5m if you’re interested]

This week’s unexpected Rick Astley cover
[Everlong by the Foo Fighters]

An hour long mix of smooth jazz covers of pop classics
[Listen on Soundcloud]

Showbiz Headline Of The Week: “Shakira Has Been Attacked And Robbed By Wild Boars In A Barcelona Park”
[Read on NME]

First llama blood was touted as a Covid cure, now it looks like sea otters are helping fight climate change.
[Go Popbitch animals!]

How can you sneak drugs past a sniffer dog?
[Read on MEL]

Otter alert in Anchorage!
[See on ADN]

Toilets of the future will be able to identify your bumhole
[Read on Futurism]

Why is every young person in America watching the Sopranos?
[Read on NYT]

Thanks also to: everyone who sent us Phil McCann. Extra special thanks to Phil McCann’s old coursemate who told us the two of them used to drive around on the hunt for stories in their training days blasting out Backstreet Boys’ greatest hits. As if we couldn’t love him more…

Still Bored?
Where are all the big bear lovers at? It’s time to vote…
[Fat Bear Week 2021]