The Curse Of Popbitch

Was last week’s issue cursed? It’s certainly been a peculiar few days for the stars of the last mailout.

Jesy Nelson’s week went from bad to batshit after we mentioned that the reason her single with Nicki Minaj got delayed was because Nicki hadn’t got round to recording her vocals yet. Not long after, Nicki torpedoed their VMA performance, before starting a three-day international flame-war involving Chris Whitty, No.10, the White House and the Trinidadian health department – and now Jesy’s solo career is at risk of being totally overshadowed by Nicki’s cousin’s friend’s humongous balls.

After that, we mentioned that Piers Morgan was in talks with Rupert Murdoch about fronting his new TV station. The ungodly deal has since been announced.

And underneath that? We joked about Prince Andrew’s ingenious plan to avoid legal papers. 24 hours later, news broke that he’d been served.

Maybe it’s just coincidence. But if not, our apologies in advance to Rita Ora, Laura Whitmore, Jack Grealish and the Spice Girls for whatever happens next…

What with all the music, TV work, films, modelling and endless brand partnerships, you’ve maybe found yourself asking “How the hell does Rita Ora find the time to get absolutely everywhere?”

Well there’s an interesting rumour going around that might help explain it. Rita’s sister-manager, Elena, does such a convincing impression of her sister that journalists suspect she takes care of a lot of Rita’s phone interviews herself.

It would actually make a lot of sense for the Ora camp. Elena has micro-managed her sister’s press relations for so long – prepping Rita on her lines; briefing reporters on what they can/can’t ask; tipping the paps off as to Rita’s whereabouts, etc – that doing this just cuts out the middleman. (a.k.a. Rita.)

Which ageing PR bigwig is still living like it’s 1996, forever boasting to friends and acquaintances about the quality of their cocaine supply – and that they still give their employees staff bonuses by the gram?

It was bold of Laura Whitmore to post pictures on Instagram of her at Dollis Hill tube station en route to the National Television Awards last week. We’d have thought the decision of whether or not to take public transport in a pandemic would have been more hassle than it was worth for a celeb. Wear a mask and risk smudging your make-up ahead of the red carpet? Go without one and risk sparking a scandal? The whole thing seems hugely fraught.

One smart option, we suppose, would be to go to Dollis Hill station and pose for some shots to make it look like you’re boarding a train, but then hop back before the doors close and letting it go by. Maybe you even let two trains go by, just to make sure you’ve got the perfect shot – before heading back out onto Burnley Road to take alternate transportation.

That way you’d get your fun pictures for Insta, fix a guaranteed angle for your press coverage and still get to travel in style and safety to your awards bash.

It’s genius, really…

There’s been a prevailing narrative in football media over the last 18 months that Jack Grealish is The New Gazza. Commentators continue to debate whether or not the comparison is accurate, but the talking point itself has very much stuck.

So far, the discussion has been confined to his on-pitch activity. But while Man City bosses have been very happy with their new signing so far, they are starting to wonder if the comparison might also apply more broadly.

While there’s no immediate cause for alarm, it hasn’t gone unnoticed that Jack has a fair bit of trouble turning down a party.

As Duran Duran headline the Isle of Wight Festival this weekend, what is former guitarist Andy Taylor up to these days? Last weekend he was at the Newbury Real Ale Festival, making a guest appearance with the band Reef.

He didn’t appear to be having a great time of it though. Things got off to a bad start when he tried to claim the hospitality tent backstage for himself, asking other bands to wait outside. Then he told the crowd onstage that they were “lucky” to have him. Then he picked a fight backstage with another band and got his arse handed to him by their bassist.

It’s a shame the Duran boys couldn’t have made it work. Andy had been a part of their comeback line-up in the 2000s, but it didn’t last. And while their 2006 break-up didn’t create quite the same sorts of headlines as their one in the 80s, it did result in one rather memorable one. The band’s webmaster was so incensed at Andy’s departure that she quit alongside him, taking down the band’s website in anger and replacing it with a single page bearing a simple message in huge red letters:

“Duran Duran Without Andy Taylor is Like Anal Sex Without Lube.”

One of the more surprising results of this week’s reshuffle was the demotion of Amanda Milling, the Conservative Party’s co-chairman. Not least because the party’s other co-chairman, Ben Elliot, is the one that’s been bringing the Government month after month of bad press with persistent allegations that he used his company, Quintessentially, to sell access to the Royals, the Chancellor and the Prime Minister. Yet his counterpart got the boot.

What’s particularly weird about it is that it mirrors a similar incident in Quintessentially company folklore.

A few years ago, the company had been looking to make a round of redundancies in its New York office. It had been decided that about half of the staff needed to go, so a list was drawn up and employees were duly split across two meeting rooms. Only for the (now former) CEO to go into the wrong room and accidentally inform the wrong half that they were the ones being let go.

This weekend sees the 25th anniversary of the Spice Girls releasing one of the most significant pop albums in history: Spice. As the Girls themselves are marking the occasion by trotting out a repackaged bunch of greatest hits, we figured we would too…

Though Blur v Oasis is the one that’s best remembered, the finest interband beef of the 90s was between the Spice Girls and All Saints. Like the Gallaghers, the Appletons were well-known for running their mouths about their rivals.

Unlike Blur, Mel B took action about it.

At the Brits one year, Mel decided she’d had enough of their sniping and confronted the sisters in the ladies’ loos, grabbing Nicole by the throat and holding her up against the wall. Nat went screaming for security and all three were given a warning.

Later that evening, Shaznay came over to Mel B’s table. Not to retaliate, but to take her hand, kiss it and thank Mel for making her night.

S writes:
“I worked in Selfridges back in 1999. One night, the Beckhams came in for an hour of private browsing after closing. They also had Victoria’s sister Louise with them who had to actually pay for everything they bought.

“Apparently (according to Louise) D&V’s signatures were too valuable to be added to sales receipts.”

Though it wasn’t one of their own coining, the Spice Girls made the phrase “Girl Power” an international phenomenon. And while some would say that the slogan was just meaningless marketing, patronising the very demographic that it was supposed to empower; there’s also a generation of pop fans to whom it meant the world, and who would defend it to the bitter end.

But the phrase had a particular place in the heart of the band’s manager, Simon Fuller. It was what he asked the band member he was knobbing on the sly to shout for him at the crucial moment.

Mad Max vehicles are up for auction
[Get yourself a Doof Wagon]

Seinfeld x Miles Davis
[Listen on YouTube]

Did Kermit cause 9/11?
[The theory, explained]

An AI you can talk to that will reply like Kanye
[Talk To Kanye]

How big a medical bill have the Jackass boys racked up over the years?
[Read on the AV Club]

Rick Astley does The Smiths
[Watch This Charming Man]

The Vengaboys do Charli XCX
[Watch 1999]

There’s an otter in this year’s comedy wildlife photo contest
[Vote here]

Confirmation of the antiseptic scent of Steve Wright’s studio: Tony Blackburn and Dermot O’Leary were cracking jokes about it on Radio 2 last Saturday morning
[Around 1hr44m]

Still Bored?
Rolling Stone has revised its 500 Best Songs Of All Time
[See their ranking here]