The Daily Tonic: Gal Pals

Local news is providing a crucial public service at the moment, but COVID-19 is straining advertising revenues. So Axate, the casual payments system for media, is offering a new function allowing publishers to ask their users to pay to support local journalism if they are able, but without locking anybody out. It’s easy to set up with no upfront fees. [Email publishers@axate.com for more info]

A quick dose of gossip, smut and silliness Subscribe

* Towelling off with Van Morrison!

* Doing the dirty with James Dean Bradfield!

* PLUS: Another audio quiz round for you…

>> Gal pals <<

Cara gets a yellow card

By now you will have seen Gal Gadot’s excruciatingly mawkish celebrity singalong of John Lennon’s Imagine, absolutely jam-packed with stars who really ought to know better.
The only one we’re letting off with a caution is Cara Delevingne, mainly because we know she’s physically incapable of stopping herself from joining in with any group activity she sees.
We still remember, with the greatest admiration, the rumours of her conduct at Lady Mary Charteris’s wedding. Apparently she was roped in to help consummate the happy couple’s marriage.

Weddings with the Delevingnes sound fun. Poppy’s was almost delayed on the day because two of her high-profile guests went missing shortly before the organ struck up. They’d nipped out for a quick threesome with another guest that had taken their fancy. Mr Delevingne ended up finding them.

>> Big Answers <<

Finally, all is revealed

From Issue 623: “One of Marilyn Manson’s favourite hobbies is corrupting innocent young teen movie stars. But which clean-cut cutie did Manson manage to sweet-talk into snorting swastika-shaped lines of gak with him?” – Zac Efron
From Issue 723: “Which Brit actor has a penis so big that after sex he has to lie down for at least ten minutes so the blood from his manhood can recirculate round his body? If he stands up too quickly he’s liable to faint.” – Rupert Penry Jones

How are Las Vegas strip clubs combatting coronavirus? By drawing up plans to offer drive-through peep shows.

>> Caught out <<

Question of the day

On Wednesday we asked you for your most embarrassing fan experiences – and our favourite has inspired a further question that we’re curious to sound you all out about.
Today’s QOTD: What is the strangest thing you’ve ever seen a celebrity do?
If you’ve caught a glimpse of a star acting suspiciously, tell us on hello@popbitch.com. We’ll dole up some digital goodies to the winner.

Shutting down print operations because of coronavirus: City AM and Playboy.

>> Moondrench <<

#1: A peek behind the curtain

SG writes:

“Van Morrison, Brighton Centre, some time in the 90s. Mid-way through, he decided to take a break and Georgie Fame did a bit of his set while Van disappeared behind a curtain.
“Unbeknown to him, we in the cheap seats could see over this curtain. He had a small table behind there with a towel and bottle of whiskey on it. Van poured himself a large one, then undid his kecks, picked up the towel and started to give his knackers a good old towelling down. Class.”

The Finnish word for hangover is ‘krapula’. Apparently the Finns are so nails they didn’t have a word for them, so had to invent one. (And, yes, it comes from feeling crap.)

>> Empty feelings <<

#2: A six year grudge

JW writes:

“Slightly worse for wear, I ended up backstage at a Manic Street Preachers gig in Swansea in 2005. They had been my favourite band for about 12 years at this point and I’d seen them about 20 times.
“While sharing an ashtray with James Bradfield, apropos of nothing, I felt the urge to tell him that every time they played Motorcycle Emptiness I went to the bar. I mean, it’s six minutes long and they play it at every gig.
“James tutted a bit, which is fair – but I thought nothing of it until they played at the O2 six years later, announcing their next song ‘There’s many songs you might go the bar for, but this one everybody stays for.’ And then launched into Motorcycle Emptiness.
“James Dean Bradfield. I’m sorry. I’ve never done it again.”

Someone who took James Dean Bradfield back to her less-than-spotless flat back in the day says she woke to find that he’d been out to the shop, bought croissants and orange juice and had done the washing up in her sink.

>> Another round <<

It’s important to stay quizzical

As you seem to be getting on so well with these, here’s another audio round for to test your musical knowledge on. Hopefully this is enough to satisfy the person who complained about all the “fake synth shit” last time and requested that we include some “real musicians”.
You’ll be hearing from the Vengaboys’ lawyers very soon.
[Play it here]

As your weekend plans will have been cancelled, we’ve put together a downloadable Popbitch Popquiz Puzzlebook – filled with quizzes, puzzles and activities designed to be completed in quarantine…

[It’s yours for a fiver]

>> Hmmms <<

A couple of quick things

Otters being combed

[Calming and cute]
Iceland’s foiled Eurovision entrant is entertaining himself by covering old EV favourites

[Here’s his cover of Fuego]
A brief history of bad celebrity singalongs

[Jamie Oliver trumps Gal Gadot]
We really, REALLY hope these alternate cuts of Cats with accidental furry genitals and CGI bumholes see the light of day

[Read more about the mystery]

THANKS TO: PS, PB, PD, SB, bad_horsey, yorksgal, RH – and to anyone who sent us an answer to Question Of The Day. We’ll try to respond to you all in turn…

Old Jokes Home

Panic buyers in the Netherlands have emptied the shelves of loo roll and weed.
But just for shits and giggles.

Fancy Another?