The Daily Tonic: No Holden Back

To raise much-needed funds for the NHS, ITV is screening a virtual Grand National in lieu of the real thing at 5pm this afternoon. Almost every bookmaker is offering odds on it. Max stake is £10 and all profits go to the NHS. To see the runners and riders, you can get a sweepstake kit from Racing Post [here]. Or if you just want to donate [go here]

A quick dose of gossip, smut and silliness Subscribe

* Amanda’s symptom confusion!

* Secret celebrity pop stars!

* PLUS: A summery audio round!

>> Assymptomatic <<

Holden it in

Amanda Holden has been hauled over the coals these last 24 hours for sharing a “5G CAUSES CORONAVIRUS!!!1!!” petition online. Obviously it goes without saying that you shouldn’t be taking health advice from Holden – but here’s a good reason why.
You may remember that back when she was starring in the West End production of Thoroughly Modern Millie, Holden was struck down with a serious kidney infection and was rushed to hospital in agony.
Perhaps things wouldn’t have caused her quite so much trouble if she’d have caught the tell-tale signs a tad earlier, but she’d been candidly telling her fellow cast members that the pain she was experiencing was probably just down to the vigorous bouts of bum-sex she’d been having.

That’s typical workplace chatter for Holden. She also once told colleagues that Neil Morrissey’s snogging was so intense that it alone brought her to orgasm.

>> Social animal <<

Can’t keep her caged

It makes sense that Amanda Holden would be looking for an alternate explanation for Covid-19, as the social distancing measures that the coronavirus has required must be putting an awful cramp on her lifestyle.
Amanda has always loved to socialise. She was even known to sneak out of the house late at night, surreptitiously clambering out of the window so as not to disturb her old man, in order to party with the handsome Australian nurses who lived in the flat next door.
Not as a teenager. During her first marriage.

Christopher Lee’s agent became so bored with Lee’s constant rambling on the phone that he enacted a 90 second rule. Whenever Lee called him, he was told he had 90 seconds to get to the point before the phone would be put down. Which it always was.

>> Hidden celeb pop <<

They need no introduction

Denise Van Outen’s #74 hit from November ’94

[Wanna Make You Go… Uuh!]
Rupert Everett’s 1987 single Generation Of Loneliness

[Generation of Loneliness]
Carol Vorderman singing backing vocals in her band “Dawn Chorus & The Blue Tits”

[Teenage Kicks]
Matthew Wright of The Wright Stuff singing with Hawkwind

[Spirit Of The Age]

Gardeners’ World presenter Chris Swift used to be a regular on the Camden scene in the 90s with his band. Can anyone remember their name? hello@popbitch.com (He played bass.)

>> Celebrity caning <<

Question of the day

As we can’t hit the pub at the minute, the best we can hope to do is live vicariously. So we want to hear your tales of living it up when the going was good. Which B-listers were you out raising hell with? Who would surprise us with their capacity for booze and drugs?
Today’s Question: Who is the greatest celebrity caner you’ve ever seen in action?
Send your stories of legendary ligging to hello@popbitch.com and we’ll dish out some goody bundles to the best of them.

As well as Graham Norton, the Wales Ape & Monkey Sanctuary boasts two other notable star patrons [Scroll down to see]

>> Quarantunes <<

Ten more tracks for you

The weekend weather might be lovely, but as we can only enjoy it through our windows we’ve thrown together a summery audio round. So crank it up, let some fresh air in and see how many points you can get.
[Stay safe]

Big weekend plans? Us neither. So cosy up with the Popbitch Puzzlebook: a collection of some rounds from our fornightly pub quiz – all designed to be completed in quarantine…

[It’s yours for a fiver]

>> Hmmms <<

A couple of quick things

Nominative Determinism of the Day: volunteering at the Koala hospital, helping koalas rescued from the bushfires in NSW, Australia… Mr Jeremy Bear!

[Cute header pic too]
Someone’s recut the trailer for Cats to put all the bumholes back in it

[Make your own James Corden joke]
A kitchen quarantine performance of Phil Collins

[Watch on TikTok]

Thanks to: A, bad_horsey, DS, JC, GS, D, AA, AP, tinker47, MY, DI, TL, anon, DP – and to everyone who sent us some variation of today’s old joke. RIP Bill.

Old Jokes Home

Q/ How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?

A/ Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers

Fancy Another?