The Medium Of Pick’n’Mix

With Liz Truss, the UK now has its first self-admitted reader of Popbitch as prime minister. So seeing as we have her ear, a quick word of advice.

Since PMQs yesterday a few people with knowledge of the BDSM scene have been in touch to discuss your choice of jewellery. Perhaps you’re unaware, but the necklace you’re always seen wearing looks very similar to a “Ring Of O” – a well-known symbol among BDSM practitioners to denote someone who is a possessed submissive.

If that’s your thing, by all means crack on with it. Absolutely fill your boots.

If not though, and you haven’t been told to Google ‘day collar’ yet, maybe you should. (Just don’t do it in the House Of Commons, unless you want to get Neil Parished…)

This Morning got raked over the coals this week for retooling its Spin To Win competition to include a prize where contestants played to get their energy bills paid off for the year. Unsurprisingly, viewers didn’t find the idea of two millionaire hosts dangling such a prize in front of them to be in the best of taste – but it’s not the worst idea floated in recent This Morning production meetings.

Earlier this year, when war in Ukraine broke out, editor Martin Frizell suggested a style segment where they’d send one of their fashion correspondents out to Kyiv to see what the people on the streets were wearing during the country’s invasion.

Which royal pundit just jacked up their prices for broadcasts from the usual nominal 50 quid to £350 this afternoon?

Before she shuffles off for good, we’d like to get in a quick clarification regarding the Queen. Last year, we told you this story…

RM writes:
“I went to a school in Windsor Great Park that often had royal visits on very special occasions (100th anniversary of the school, that kind of thing). There was also a special day at Ascot racecourse where, just before Christmas, the Queen would stand in a sleigh and hand out chocolates for the children from a big sack.

“My sister got to the front and asked Her Majesty for a specific chocolate, but every time the Queen found one she’d exclaim that it was broken, put it back and look for another. This continued for ages while my sister stood, paralysed with nerves, too scared to explain to the Queen of England that a Bounty is actually two small bars in one wrapper.”

We have since heard that the sister in question disputes this version of events. She says she asked for a Milky Way and the Queen was discarding twin pack after twin pack of those – before saying “Well, I don’t know WHAT Father Christmas has done to our Milky Ways!”

One of the weirder things we heard around the time of the Platinum Jubilee is that Haribo designed an entire Platinum Jubilee range of sweets to honour Queen Elizabeth’s 70 year reign, including special gummy crowns, that they pulled shortly ahead of their launch.

Haribo higher-ups got so spooked by stories of the Queen’s ailing health that they worried the Queen might snuff it just as their line of gummies hit the shelves – making it look they were somehow celebrating her death via the medium of pick’n’mix.

So the entire expensive project got nixed.

As everyone else seems to have tributes to the Queen comprehensively covered, we figured our time is maybe better spent telling a quick Prince Charles story before it becomes high treason.

Given that he’s currently up in Balmoral and the weather has been kind of blustery recently – we’d recommend he refrain from donning his kilt at this rather sensitive time. Charles wears his kilt like a true Scotsman does and one cameraman recalls catching a glimpse of his royal sceptre one windy day while he was disembarking from a helicopter.

Massive, apparently. A rare bit of good news for the bloodline.

Thérèse Coffey’s phone went off during an interview with LBC this week, revealing that she has Dr Dre and Snoop Dogg’s Still D.R.E. set as her alarm tone. That means we can add her to our ever-growing list of unusual celebrity ringtones.

* Bryan Adams = Summer of ’69

* Emma Watson = Steamy Windows by Tina Turner

* Prince Andrew = Clocks by Coldplay

* Timmy Mallett = Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini

* John Motson = theme from Match Of The Day

* Will Self = Smells Like Teen Spirit

* Charlie from Busted = Mr Brightside

* Carole Thatcher = The bongs from Big Ben

Know of any others? hello@popbitch.com

Diners at Scott’s on Tuesday evening were all treated to a celebratory glass of champagne, courtesy of a happy couple who had just announced their engagement. Who were their generous benefactors? Patsy Kensit and an older gentleman – who looked very loved up.

Could it be the same Patsy Kensit who, just two weeks ago, was plastered all over the papers telling panellists on Loose Women that she was done with romance and that four marriages had been enough for her?

Apparently so…

Last week’s story about Les Ferdinand being unwittingly filmed having it off in his hotel room as part of an old tabloid kiss’n’tell sting will have sounded pretty outrageous to modern ears – but we’ve since been told we missed one of the more audacious details.

As we mentioned, hacks were stationed in the hotel room next door, watching the hidden camera footage as it was being filmed. When Les turned on his TV afterwards and saw himself on the box, he freaked out and called down to reception to ask why he could see himself on his own TV.

Seeing this play out from next door, one of the hacks went to knock for Les, posing as hotel management to tell him that what he had seen was the hotel’s baby watching device – used if guests were out of their room, leaving a youngster asleep and alone. Les, supposedly, bought this explanation.

There’s no telling quite how sombre the mood is going to get around these parts for the next few weeks, so if you want to stockpile a little bit of scandal and silliness in preparation, Allegedly… the mini-podcast series we recorded for Audible is now available to download.

There’s six episodes of showbiz, smut and celebrity autobiography under discussion and it’s included as part of Audible membership – including free trials.

[Listen here]

Dolly Parton has launched a new dog apparel business called… Doggy Parton!
[And this is the best item]

Slowed down ABBA is a perfect Twin Peaks soundtrack
[See on Twitter]

Jaws as a text adventure game
[Play it here]

What happens when your song goes viral in a Reddit sex thread?
[Hudson Mohawke knows]

A fossil has been found that suggests otters were once the size of lions
[See it here]

Headline Of The Week: Nigeria Seizes Donkey Penises To be Smuggled To Hong Kong
[From AP News]

Need a burning brothel to finish off your model railway scene?
[You’re in luck!]

Pleasing ambient soundscapes from the Rocky Mountains
[Listen here]