Two Sexy Polaroids

Things aren’t looking good for Mark Wahlberg’s F45 Training. The health and fitness venture has created some absolutely eyewatering losses over the last few years – on top of the fact they’re currently being sued by David Beckham over millions of dollars in allegedly withheld endorsement fees.

One of the more amusing details of the entire fiasco is that, before all this, David Beckham used to be one of Barry’s Bootcamp’s most fervent devotees, taking classes there every other day. Then one day he suddenly stopped. The rumour among gymgoers was that his people had started getting pushy, trying to have everyone else in classes sign NDAs if they were to share a space with Becks.

When this was vetoed by the studios, Beckham flounced off and signed up as an ambassador for rival trainers F45 instead. And is now up to his eyeballs in multi-million dollar litigation with them.

For years, Tom Cruise has been famous in showbiz circles for giving his pals a very particular coconut cake as a gift. The cake in question comes from Doan’s Bakery in LA and Tom ships this signature gift of his all over the world via his own private jet.

Maybe it’s the cost of living crisis, maybe he’s developed more of an eco-conscience, but Tom’s pastry largesse appears to have been curtailed a little of recent. He was in the audience of The Motive And The Cue at the Noel Coward Theatre last week and loved the show. But the most he stretched to was sending the cast a few dozen doughnuts from Crosstown in nearby Soho.

Which disgraced journalist has even more scandal to answer for after claims emerged at his former workplace that he and a colleague once took a 21 year old intern out for a boozy lunch – then retired to a nearby hotel for a threesome instead of returning to the office?

The trailer for Sam Taylor-Johnson’s new Amy Winehouse biopic, Back To Black, has just been released and it looks like every other moody celeb movie of the last 15 years. Perhaps the film itself does a better job, but we’re not sure STJ was ever going to be able to capture the essence of Amy.

Back To Black hit some early production issues when Sam refused to take any meetings in the producers’ offices. Her reason? She found them “too shabby”.

When asked to suggest an alternative venue for these essential meetings, Sam responded that she’d be happy to come in for them if they were held in posho celeb hang-out, Chiltern Firehouse. So they were.

Directors insisting on holding production meetings at fancy London clubs isn’t the only reason movie budgets can quickly spiral into the megabucks.

Part of Timothee Chalamet’s Wonka was filmed in Lyme Regis, Dorset. As it was a period shoot, the crew didn’t want any modern fishing boats creeping into shot when filming out over the sea.

So each of the Lyme fishermen was paid £5K not to fish while the cameras rolled. The resulting bit in the finished film where the sea actually features barely lasts a few minutes.

Just when we thought will•i•am might have had his fill of embarrassing tech-brand collaborations, he’s back with a new deeply dogshit product. ‘Sound Drive’ is a new car stereo system that generates musical soundscapes inspired by what the driver does while driving. Meaning your beloved playlists will now get a will•i•am remix every time you’re stuck in traffic, get cut off or swerve to dodge a pigeon.

To remind you of his previous revolutionary tech ventures:

* 2013: the i•am foto•sosho – a $475 iPhone case that turned your iPhone into a… camera?

* 2014: PULS – a wearable cuff-phone that could determine the wearer’s mood, thanks to an app called Vibe+ which listened to the tone of your voice and rewarded you when you were being positive (with pictures of gems).

* 2016: Will’s second smartwatch, Dial, came loaded with AneedA – a voice-activated assistant to rival Alexa and Siri, which Will described as being “Like ‘Anita’, but modified because you use it when you ‘need’ something” (e.g. a hole in the head).

* 2021: Xupermask – a gigantic hi-tech facemask that featured HEPA filters, in-built bluetooth headphones and lights so that people could still “express themselves” while masking. The $300 mask was designed as Will felt other masks on the market during the Covid pandemic gave off a sense of “doom and gloom”.

Stephen Merchant is trying his hand at stand-up again. He did ten minutes last night at a Work In Progress gig in Soho.

In the ten years since he last did stand-up, he’s supplemented his standard material about being tall, awkward, rich and white with some new stuff about the misunderstandings that occur between him and his American missus over British terminology.

We’re told he managed to get some good mileage out of a dogging/dogwalking confusion, but he might want to rework his joke about his girlfriend thinking he was racist because of his stated dislike of black cab drivers (i.e. the drivers of black cabs). That joke died in the room.

Burnishing their reputation for incompetence, Conservative party officials had to send out emails earlier this week to members who are still waiting to receive their Margaret Thatcher Christmas jumpers.

Sadly, the tops have still not arrived – so customers will be getting their £24.95 + P&P refunded.

Of course, the market always finds a way. So any bitterly disappointed Tories can pick up a second hand one on eBay if they really want. A snip at just £100!

[Inflation’s a bitch, eh?]

Royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell is retiring and gave a commemorative interview to The Times headlined “The Palace Should Have Tried Harder With Meghan”.

So how did the Mail frame their report of this story?

“Nicholas Witchell Says Meghan Should Have Been ‘Less Impatient’ With Royal Aides”.

Better known for his investigative journalism, film-making and campaigning, obituaries to John Pilger didn’t make much of his talents as a winemaker – and with good reason.

Many years ago, John invited a bunch of friends out to his house in Italy. They were sitting on the patio, opening a bottle, when John announced “That’s my vineyard at the end of this garden. The wine you are drinking comes from there.”

“Hmmm,” said one of his cattier friends, taking a sip. “Doesn’t travel well, does it?”

A reddit thread of celebrities “acting like bellends”
[inc. some of the usual suspects]

This year’s Rag’n’Bone man? Teddy Swims’ Lose Control looks like the first big pop hit of 2024
[Listen on Spotify]

Behind the scenes with lemurs
[Watch on YouTube]

Mixmag sharing some University Challenge Jungle tracks
[“We need jungle, I’m afraid”]

Potty train your raccoon
[One for Charles Mingus]

Trailer for a new Netflix doc about the making of We Are The World
[The Greatest Night In Pop]

Still Bored?
Iggy Pop’s parrot (aka Biggy Pop) is a Snoop Dogg fan
[Watch on Instagram]