“We Can’t Put A Ginger On The Poster”

You’d think Murder On The Dancefloor would be a song that needs no introduction – especially at the minute. But, no. It needed quite a solemn one on Tuesday.

We don’t know who booked Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s European tour. We can only assume they did so in a bit of a hurry, keen to make the most of the Saltburn bump. But they might want to put a little more thought into the choice of venues for 2025.

That way, they’ll be able to avoid the immensely awkward situation Sophie was placed in two nights ago in Paris, having to sing her way through Murder On The Dancefloor at… the Bataclan.

Elsewhere in Murder On The Dancefloor news, Gregg Alexander of the New Radicals (the song’s co-writer) shared his original demo this week, giving a 40 second snippet to the Guardian.

Some of the original lyrics ended up being scrapped (“Let’s hit the Hague / then hit the bong …  I won’t make us hit the hay!”) but Gregg’s never had much luck with his first drafts. Back when he was writing for Ronan Keating he once handed in a song with the following verse:

“The World Bank lets all the black kids starve /
While journalists stalk all the pop stars /
And Hear’Say’s the new kings of rock ‘n’ roll /
But… you’re pickin’ me up”

Unsurprisingly, Ronan’s people vetoed it.

With the Oscars coming up this weekend, which radio DJ lied to his bosses last year about having tickets to the big ceremony so he’d get to go over to do the red carpet interviews? Once there, he then blew £2K of company money on a huge gak-and-booze bender, before recording a bunch of unknown stand-ins posing as the A-listers for radio interviews?

Morrissey dropped by the Sunset Marquis in LA last week to meet a friend for an afternoon beer at Cavatina – the hotel’s swish restaurant.

Although there were lots of free tables, the pair chose to sit at the back of the restaurant, near the kitchen and away from the prime location overlooking the hotel’s gardens or koi pond.

Why did they pick such a poky table when better ones were available? Privacy? Possibly. Humility? Hardly. More likely it had something to do with the photo that hung above their chosen table. A massive portrait of Morrissey.

If Red Bull are looking for ways to avoid a lot of the complications that Christian Horner has been causing them recently, we reckon they can go one of two ways.

1/ Improve the workplace atmosphere and strengthen HR procedures (ethical, responsible, boring); or

2/ Take a leaf out of the Mohamed Al-Fayed playbook (glamorous, expensive, effective)

Al-Fayed’s workplace conduct was legendarily inappropriate, but handlers at Harrod’s found they could mitigate the worst of it by hiring him half a dozen practically identical looking PAs. That way, he tended to spread out his creepy sex chat fairly equally among the six of them – sparing any single employee the full gruesome burden of it.

Which kept complaints much more manageable.

Seems as though the Conde Nast staff really aren’t very happy at all about having to leave Vogue House. Last week we told you about the sweary MINGE TWAT HAM FLAPS graffiti someone left all over the walls of Tatler’s office. Things have been even dirtier at the new one.

This internal note was sent out to staff last week:

“We received a complaint late yesterday regarding the state of the female toilets on the 9th floor. There was toilet paper and hand towels everywhere, apart from the bin, and a large puddle of urine on the floor in the central cubicle!

“This behaviour is unacceptable and there is no excuse for it. You are grown adults.”

In 2011, when Ed Sheeran was earnestly trying to break into the mainstream, his agent scored him a decent live gig at the relaunch of Cuckoo Club. With media interest at a high with the release of his much-anticipated + album, it looked like he’d be a perfect fit.

But after initially agreeing, the promoter finally saw a picture of Sheeran and called his agent back to say “Absolutely not, we can’t put a ginger on the poster.”

So they went with Basement Jaxx instead.

Dele Alli has spoken candidly in the past about his addiction to sleeping pills, claiming their use was pretty widespread across football. Players were using such serious caffeine supplements to get them buzzing for matches that they could no longer sleep naturally – so turned to sleeping pills.

But footballers looking for that extra edge are nothing if not enterprising. Instead of using caffeine ahead of matches now, word is that some players are experimenting with taking a sleeping pill before heading out on the pitch, not after.

The idea – perhaps like a driver thinking a couple of pints will actually make them safer as they’ll have to concentrate harder – is that fighting the creeping onset of drowsiness forces them to be extra alert to stop them dropping off mid-match.

“Picking my nose and eating it! I’ve tried stopping but I can’t. When I was younger I used to pick my nose and wipe it on the wall. When we moved, my parents had to get a knife and pick all the boogers off the walls! I’ve managed to stop smoking and drinking, but I just can’t get out of this habit.”

What are celebs doing right this second?
[The Vole Celeb Clock]

Castmate tensions are boiling over at Queer Eye
[Read on Rolling Stone]

AI is coming for Adam Curtis
[Watch on YouTube]

Obviously smuggling is terrible – but it does sometimes result in very cute pictures of red pandas in picnic baskets
[See it here]

Radiohead (and others) recreated with just a YouTuber’s voice
[Listen here]

Local News Of The Week: Deadpool Sex Expert Arrested In Travelodge Over Weapons Cache edition
[Read here]

Who gets picked for the In Memoriam section at the Oscars?
[Read on WaPo]

Still Bored?
Learn the alphabet with Cilla Black
[Watch on TikTok]