The Second Serve // The A-Z Of Sex, Pt.2

This is Issue 69 of the Second Serve. With Issue 69 of original recipe Popbitch, we ran a special A-Z Of Sex. Today, we thought we’d do a supplementary update for it, taking a second spin through the alphabet with another set of sexy stories for your delectation.

Here’s hoping it gets through your spam filters.

A is for… Aquatic: Simon le Bon’s nickname used to be ‘Dolphin’ due to his ability to have sex up to 15 times a day (like dolphins apparently can).

B is for… Blumphy: The act of getting a blowjob while sat on the toilet, taking a dump. Gene Simmons from Kiss’s preferred method. (The opposite also exists – giving a blowjob while doing your business on the bog – as documented by C4 documentary Newport Bouncers.)

C is for… Colinostomy: Colin Farrell used to frequent a Dublin lapdancing club where he liked to shag the dancers. During sex, he’d ask for a digit or two up his arse. The girls referred to this process as a “Colinostomy”.

E is for… Erection: AC writes, “I was sitting next to Annie Lennox on a flight from London to Aberdeen in about 1987, I was a bit pissed and fell asleep. When I woke up I had an erection, with my helmet poking up just past my belt on my tummy. Annie Lennox was sniggering. She told me if there had been more showing she would have autographed it.”

F is for… Fan Mail: “There is a lady who sends all her dirty tampons to me, with, ‘Every time I take this out I think of you.’ It’s horrible for my aunt, who runs my fan club.” – Ricky Martin

G is for… Grace Jones: Grace liked her record company to provide handsome young boys for her personal entertainment in meetings. One lad was asked to place Hula Hoops on the end of each of his fingers for Grace to eat them from. Once she was finished, she hoiked up her skirt, put one of his salty fingers up her bum and then sat on his hand for the rest of the meeting.

I is for… I’Anson, Lisa. Not only did Lisa I’Anson lose her job on Radio 1 for missing a show because she was too busy partying at Manumission, she is also an expert practitioner of fabled sexual technique, the Singapore Grip. It involves manipulating the vaginal muscles to tighten around and clench an inserted penis to feel as though it is receiving a vigorous hand-job.

J is for… Jordan, a.k.a. Katie Price. Back in her early glamour modelling days, Katie owned a black spacehopper with a ten inch dildo on it. When asked what the rudest thing she’d ever done in the name of love was, her answer was “Fucked Alex [Reid] up the arse with a vodka bottle.”

K is for… Knackers: Celebs with huge balls include: David Lee Roth, Axl Rose, Billy Bragg (“balls like grapefruits”) and Daniel Bedingfield (“two mangoes”). Danny Dyer has had certain boxer short requirements on some acting jobs because of his massive clackers too.

L is for… Lengangajane: A dried fruit sold in South Africa known colloquially as “punani fruit”, prized for its purported vagina tightening properties.

N is for… Nipple Girl: Alison Hammond’s nickname at school, thanks to her party trick of being able to suck her own breasts.

O is for… Overheard: Sylvester Stallone being heard telling a lady in his trailer to “cup the balls, work the shaft” is the high-water Hollywood hot mic moment, but a lesser-known one is Ben Affleck’s. Retiring to his room on an afternoon break, the sound-desk picked up the noise of kissing and a female voice asking if he “wants to get busy, baby”. To which a tired Affleck responded, “Are you sure you’re feeling better? Because I don’t want to get shit on me again.”

P is for… Penis Nicknames: Channing Tatum calls his “Gilbert”. Justin Bieber calls his “Jerry”. Anthony Kiedis calls his “Antoine The Swan”. Noel Edmonds calls his “Mr Happy”.

R is for… Rimming: “Rimming? We do that all the time to each other!” – Roy Vengaboy

S is for… SAY MY NAME! Celebrities who have been known to ask their partners to yell out their names during sex include Johnny Borrell of Razorlight, Spencer Matthews and Idris Elba (who requires both forename and surname).

T is for… Toothpaste: 80s star Paul King used to rub toothpaste onto the end of his penis to prevent early ejaculation. Tom Jones used to dip his willy in Listerine to sterilise it ahead of sex too.

V is for… Vabbing: a recent trend of using vaginal juices as a personal perfume, dabbed behind the ears (“vagina” + “dabbing” = “vabbing”).

W is for… Waterfall Of Life: A game played by Ricky Martin and his crew while on tour. They would stand on the darkened balcony of their hotel room and wank over the edge. You got points depending on whether or not you hit anything on the ground below.

X is for… X-Rated Commentary: what Michael Gove likes to provide while in the act of passion. Russell Crowe cheers himself along with positive affirmations too.

Y is for… Young Boy In Tight White Shorts: The sole item on a rider requested by hi-NRG legend Ian Levine when we tried to book him to play a Popbitch party. (We didn’t.)

This week, in keeping with the alphabet theme, the music quizzes are going to take on the A-Z stretch too. Each quiz for the next few weeks will take a letter of the alphabet as an influence and weave together ten tracks that have some connection to it.

It could be the song’s title, the band’s name, a lyrical refrain or some other infinitely more tenuous link. Give yourself a point for every song you get right, and a second point for every artist.

Monday’s theme: A

[Play it here]

“There were fist-fights down at CD:UK” – the history of late 90s pop
[Read on Guardian]

Guess the niche music genre
[dancemusic.wtf]

Was Sofia Coppola’s Teen Daughter’s Great Helicopter Escape Possible?
[The Daily Beast investigates]

Why do TV game show sets look like spaceships?
[Read on Den Of Geek]