The Second Serve // Ruling Parties

In our pre-Eurovision mailout on Friday morning, we said that one of the acts to keep an eye on was Germany on account of the prominent bulge the lead singer was displaying. The phrase we’d heard from backstage was that it “looked like he’d stuffed a tabby cat down there”.

We cannot stress enough that the cat motif was purely figurative. There was absolutely no hint of anything actually feline on his person. It was just a turn of phrase. Which is what made Germany’s rehearsal later on Friday afternoon so weird.

We have no idea who in the German delegation is a Popbitch reader – nor how you get a pair of pants like this at short notice – but this how the lead singer turned up to the stage.

[Here kitty, kitty]

SL writes:
“I saw a fully black-tie’d Huw Edwards coming out of Denmark Hill station in South London, around 7:45pm, while the BAFTAs were still in full flow.

“One can only assume he’d marched out after his week-long stint helming the Queen’s funeral processions was snubbed in favour of Paddington Bear.”

The Phillip Schofield / Holly Willoughby war is getting nice and spicy – and should just about come to the boil in time for Thursday. In the meantime, maybe a quick refresher on how we got here…

Reports in the paper this weekend suggest that the pair’s relationship started to sour around the time of the Dead Queen queuejumping scandal. It requires a very selective memory to buy that framing – but, sure. Let’s start there.

You’ll remember it was Holly who got hung out to dry on the front page of the Sun during that fiasco (supposedly “fighting for her job”) while Schofe was spared. Why the uneven treatment?

Holly and Phil both used to be represented by the talent agency YMU. YMU is notorious for threatening to cut off access to the rest of their roster if journalists ever dare turn over one of their stars. Unfortunately for Holly, she left YMU to start a rival talent agency in 2020 – so forfeited her protection. Worse, just two months before Queuegate, Holly took YMU to court to sue them over the sunset clause in her contract and won £1m+ off them.

And it’s never just business with YMU. They have a very particular way of mixing the professional with the personal. One of the senior talent managers at YMU? Molly Schofield. Phillip’s daughter…

Anyhow, the QueueGate explanation for their falling out is horseshit. As you’ll know, stories about Schofield have been threatening to explode for a lot longer than that.

Leaving aside all the tales of the young runner Phil had a not-so-soft spot for, there was the formal complaint lodged by Ruth Langsford. Accusations of bullying in the workplace. The public beef with Amanda Holden, who claimed Phil had blocked her from getting a cover job filling in for Holly on This Morning.

Holden’s not the only one whose airtime has been nobbled by Phil. When Gethin Jones subbed in for him once, Schofield had his people count the number of lines that Gethin was given each day to make sure he didn’t get too much to do – and didn’t become too popular in his absence.

Throughout the Coronation celebrations last weekend we were told that no-one does pomp and ceremony like the British. It’s certainly true that, to some of the nobility who were present on the day, dressing up is their great passion.

One reader remembers meeting one of the main players from the Coronation ceremony a few years back. At the time, the aristo in question was making preparations to throw his big annual family fancy dress party.

The theme of which that year was “Gays, Goths And Golliwogs”.

Headlines about Rolf Harris’s ailing health hit the news early on Friday morning, but the story had been brewing for a good few days before that.

Rumours were ricocheting around Fleet Street last Wednesday that Harris had died, so all the newsrooms sent reporters and camera crews to camp outside his house.

Once there though, there wasn’t much they could do but sit and watch. As Rolf is so disgraced, he no longer has anyone representing him, so there wasn’t anyone reporters could check with for any confirmation. This resulted in a media-wide stand-off between a gaggle of hacks and a man they were 99.9% convinced was dead – with the amassed journos keeping one eye on each other, and the other on Rolf’s front door…

Last week, the audio quizzes had a rough Euro theme – with a couple of 90s Eurodance ones, a couple of Eurovision-adjacent acts, plus some classic, straight-down-the-line Eurovision hits.

This week, we’re back to our usual blend of garbage. Every weekday, we’ll give you a new quiz which features ten songs all ripped up and stitched back together. You just have to identify the ten songs and the ten artists, then give yourself a point for every one you correctly identify.

Monday’s Theme: Double Acts

[Play it here]

Daft Punk’s Discovery, re-recorded with the Super Mario 64 soundbank
[Listen on YouTube]

Ryuichi Sakamoto’s final playlist
[“Funeral”]

2023: The Summer Of The Mismatched Celebrity Couple
[Read on The Face]