The Second Serve // The Pacino Swerve

News reaches us from SW18 that Matt Hancock was victorious in a pub quiz in Wandsworth last night. There were some accusations of cheating, as they won by a very narrow two point margin (though that could be sour grapes, as Hancock’s team didn’t make a totally clean sweep; they fucked up a question by confusing Salzburg with Lichtenstein, for instance).

The more damning detail to our minds was his quiz team’s name. They called themselves “Professor Quiz Whitty”. In 2022.

Sean(n) Walsh’s new stand-up show is called “Seann Walsh: Is Dead, Happy Now?” – a title that reminds us of an old story concerning Sean(n) and his late agent, Addison Cresswell.

Sean Lock once butted heads with Sean(n) Walsh when the two appeared together on a panel show for Dave. Lock made it extremely clear how little he liked Walsh and spent the entire shoot roasting him relentlessly in front of the audience. Walsh, miffed, lodged a complaint with Cresswell – who also repped Lock.

A situation like this between two clients could be quite delicate, but Cresswell handled it in his own inimitable style: by calling Lock to ask if anything weird had happened at the filming, as he’d just taken a call from the producers of the show to say they’d found Sean(n) Walsh dead in his dressing room.

Lock instantly began freaking out while Cresswell continued playing dumb, asking Lock if he knew of anything – anything at all – that might have pushed Walsh over the edge. Cresswell kept the routine up for about 20 minutes to keep Lock squirming before he figured his client had learned his lesson.

Then concluded the call by saying “Just kidding, mate. He’s fine” before hanging up and refusing to pick up Lock’s calls for the rest of the night.

Lindsay Lohan told a fun story in her recent interview with Cosmopolitan about paparazzi in fancy restaurants.

She was out for a meal in San Francisco with family when all of a sudden their waiter began acting weirdly. He brought their food out, but then walked it straight past their table without acknowledging them at all and took it over to a completely different part of the restaurant floor where he hovered. They couldn’t understand what was happening until Lindsay saw a camera flash and realised the waiter was taking the detour to block a pap from sneaking a photo.

When the waiter eventually looped his way back to their table with their food, Lindsay thanked him for taking the trouble to block the pap.

To which the waiter replied: “Oh, no. I wasn’t blocking it for you. Al Pacino’s here.”

Victor Lewis-Smith was known for being one of the more acerbic TV critics, and it wasn’t a pose. His hatred for one particular TV personality bled over into his personal life too.

A Popbitch reader who used to live in the flat below VLS got a chance to snoop around his place once. Among all the empty bottles and rubbish strewn everywhere were torn-up and spat-on pictures of… Chris Evans.

That celeb-endorsed Bored Ape Yacht Club NFT craze from earlier in the year was already looking pretty disastrous for some of the celebs involved – but they might soon be even further out of pocket on the whole deal as Justin Bieber, Madonna, The Weeknd, Paris Hilton and others are facing a class action lawsuit.

It turns out Yuga Labs (the firm behind BAYC) is repped by Guy Oseary – a.k.a. Madonna’s manager. The lawsuit alleges that Yuga and Oseary devised a plan to boost the value of these NFTs by leveraging his network of A-List pals and clients to promote them. The celebs all agreed not because they truly believed in the value of cartoon apes, but because (drumroll, please…) they were all getting covert backhanders to do so through a VIP cryptowallet payment system call MoonPay!

Naturally everyone involved denies it. But the court case (if it happens) ought to be interesting.

As well as asking ChatGPT Bot for its thoughts on Badger v Baboon, one reader wanted to see how well the AI could do various newspaper columnists’ jobs, so tasked it with writing columns on a few topics.

An AI Richard Littlejohn Column about Armageddon
“As I sit here, staring out at the desolate wasteland that was once our beloved England, I can’t help but reflect on the events that led us to this point. It all started with a seemingly harmless virus, one that many at the time thought was just a passing fad. Little did we know, it would become the catalyst for the end of the world as we knew it.”

An AI Caitlin Moran Column about Tractors
“I was recently out on a farm, and I couldn’t help but be struck by the sheer awesomeness of the tractors I saw there. These incredible machines are the backbone of British agriculture, and without them, our food supply would be in serious trouble. Have you ever stood next to one of these beasts? They’re massive! And yet, they can still somehow maneuver with incredible precision, tilling fields, planting seeds, and harvesting crops with ease. It’s truly impressive.”

An AI Marina Hyde Column about Chihuahuas
“I recently had the displeasure of encountering a pack of chihuahuas, and it got me thinking about why these yappy little beasts are so darned popular. I mean, seriously, what is it about these tiny, yappy creatures that makes people want to carry them around in their handbags? First of all, let’s talk about their size. Chihuahuas are the smallest breed of dog, and while that might make them cute to some, it also makes them completely impractical as pets. I mean, have you ever tried to take a chihuahua for a walk? It’s like trying to control a tiny, furry wind-up toy.”

Last week we went to town on the various Band Aid editions (and We Are The World) to give you a week’s worth of quizzes. This week, we’ve got another new set to test the limits of your pop knowledge.

Each round has ten songs crumbled up and presented in a three minute mix. You just have to identify the songs (a point for each title) and the performers (a point for each artist).

Monday’s theme: Nighty Night

[Play it here]

Blue do NME’s Does Rock’n’Roll Kill Braincells test
[A little Popbitch nod in there too]

Nice “At home at Xmas” with Justin Hawkins
[Read on Independent]

Radio1’s Dance Awards song of the year: Goddard + Venbee
[Listen]

Is TikTok killing the bridge?
[Read on the Guardian]