Bad People

Nicola Peltz-Beckham has enjoyed a few months dinging her husband in the press, telling reporters how bad Brooklyn’s acting is and how she had to cut him from her new film because his accent was so terrible (even though his only line of dialogue was “Hi”).

Maybe she shouldn’t have been so hasty. With Brooklyn left on the cutting room floor, unable to draw any fire, reviews for Lola have been aimed solely at her – the film’s writer/director/star – and they have been savage.

Bad reviews are one thing, but Lola is unpopular by a metric we hadn’t previously realised existed. Such is the lack of interest in the film, it took bootleggers almost a full month to get round to uploading a pirated copy to the major torrent sites. A far cry from their usual 24/48-hour turnaround.

Liz Truss has been on a tear this week, shilling her book all over the media. If there are any Conservative MPs she’s not yet managed to alienate, they’d do well to avoid her in the corridors of Westminster. It never goes well when there’s a book to be sold.

A Tory MP tells of their experience a couple years back when Andrew Mitchell had his memoirs out. Mitchell stopped the colleague one afternoon and asked them outright, “Have you bought my book?”

“No,” they replied, somewhat sheepishly, “but I fully intend to, Andrew”.

Oh don’t worry, they were told by Mitchell. He’d sort them out with a copy.

The book duly arrived in their office. Along with a bill for it. At full price.

Which writer-comedian has been doubling up the casting process for his latest TV show as a dating service? At least three hopefuls who auditioned for it got asked out on dates. (And none got the job.)

It seems we’re in the heart of phantom plopper season as another big company has been hit by dirty protests this week.

Preparations for yesterday’s PMQs were thrown into turmoil at the BBC’s Millbank office, as the unmistakable scent of shit filled the air. The source of it? A mystery muckspreader had smeared faeces all up and down the corridor.

Mass flooding hasn’t been the only plague to afflict Dubai this week. There’s also been a huge crypto conference in town.

Some of the big crypto-influencers have got some pretty good engagement out of posting videos from their stranded luxury cars, stuck in the middle of roads almost entirely submerged in water. But we do hope they made it to the Token2049 conference in time. Not least because there’s a great sounding competition going on there.

One of the big exhibitors – EtherMail – is running a prize draw, offering a jackpot to one lucky winner who is prepared to walk around the conference wearing one of the crypto brand’s T-shirts.

The big prize at this crypto conference?

$1,000. In cash.

James Hetfield unveiled a new tattoo on his finger yesterday that he says had some of Lemmy’s ashes mixed in with the ink. He claimed there would be no Metallica without Lemmy, saying “When he passed, it scared me… like, ‘Where’s our captain now?’. He’s been a godfather to us.”

We’re not entirely sure Metallica’s godfather would approve of the direction they’ve taken since his death, as their last big show was at a completely dry festival in Saudi Arabia.

Lemmy’s only experience of dryness on tour was the time he collapsed from dehydration. His tour manager insisted that he needed to change his lifestyle and give up drinking. Lemmy refused. The compromise they reached so that the tour could go on? Lemmy agreed to start taking ice in his Jack Daniels.

Thanks to a series of resignations, defections and suspensions, the Tory party has managed to almost halve the 80 seat majority it won in 2019. And as the rate of scandals seems to be accelerating exponentially, it’s entirely possible there’ll be an even wilder suspension before the week is through.

But the midweek chart update for Funniest Tory Whip Suspensions currently reads as follows:

* No.4: Matt Hancock – for going on I’m A Celebrity.

* No.3: William Wragg – for getting catfished and immediately bricking it, giving up personal info of a dozen colleagues to a blackmailer.

* No.2: Neil Parish – for browsing tractor porn in the Commons.

* And in with a bullet at No.1: Mark Menzies – for allegedly getting a dog drunk; turning up to a Katherine Jenkins concert and manhandling the front row; plus getting locked in a flat by some “bad people” and hassling his 78-year old former campaign manager at 3am to transfer £5,000 for his safe release.

Everyone’s been enjoying the footage of Damon Albarn getting grouchy with the Coachella crowd for not recognising the band or their biggest hits. There wasn’t so much griping from Graham Coxon though. Probably because he’s long since made his peace with not getting recognised.

Back at the height of Blur’s powers in the 90s Camden scene, one reader remembers being stood behind Graham in the queue for the Barfly. Things were moving slowly and Graham, increasingly agitated at being made to wait, tried pulling the old “Don’t you know who I am?” routine with the bouncer.

The bouncer looked him up and down and said, “Listen mate, I don’t care if you’re Noel Gallagher, you’re waiting in line like everyone else.”

Which caused Graham to storm off in a huff.

Remember when David Cameron left his daughter behind at a pub near Chequers after a slap-up Sunday lunch – when he and SamCam headed off in separate cars, each assuming the other was taking care of her?

Not only is that daughter  old enough to enter licensed premises unattended now, we hear she’s now working in one too. A nightclub in Glasgow.

Jury selection for Donald Trump’s hush money trial kicked off this week – the case in which he stands accused of colluding with gossip magazine, the National Enquirer, to buy the silence of two of his mistresses.

It’s a story that will be well known to most Popbitch readers, but if you’ve never read our five-part series on the history of the National Enquirer, you owe it to yourself before the trial kicks off properly.

It’s a fascinating story – a sprawling tale that takes in sixty years of American history, involving the New York mafia, the DC corridors of power, the tabloid industry of Florida, witch-hunts, Soviet espionage, Playboy playmates and much, much more.

Whatever happens with the case, knowing the rich and insane backstory to it will pay dividends. We promise.

[Read it here]

All hail the world’s oldest wombat!
[Read on ABC]

How are sex club attendees voting in the upcoming election?
[The Fence finds out]

The weird world of litigation investment
[Read on Sherwood]

Sex toy inventors are dabbling with AI
[Someone’s created The Orifice]

A supercut of Charles Schultz drawing Peanuts characters
[A calming, wholesome video]

Why is Hollywood suddenly awash with cat actors?
[Read on Hollywood Reporter]

Making mini rope bridges for dormice
[Read on BBC]

Still Bored?
Watch a live cam aimed at a shrimp tank
[Shrimp Tank Live]