Boyzone Kung Fu Odyssey

“I have a bad habit of straightening other people’s pictures on their walls. I’m just trying to be helpful” – James Murdoch

After getting busted snuggling with Lily James, Dominic West staged a weirdly old-school photo opp with his wife this week to insist their marriage was stronger than ever. We’re happy to take them at their word. It’s not like it’s the first time it’s been put to the test.

A few years back, we ended up having a late-night drink and a dance with Dominic West at a festival. We were delighted to note he drank Jameson (like McNulty), he expertly managed to get rid of a drunken sex pest who had been bothering our friend all night, and he had what looked like a religious epiphany when he heard the DJ playing Since I Left You by The Avalanches.

The next morning we happened to mention to one of the festival staff how much fun he’d been, only to be told with a knowing eyebrow that he was on much better behaviour this year as he had the wife and kids in tow. Apparently she had made it a condition after he’d had a little too much fun there a previous summer…

Former CBB housemate Lucien Laviscount gave the crowd a good laugh at a comedy show in Central London last weekend. Not as a stand-up. As a punter.

Clearly feeling energised to be out and about on a Friday night, Lucien spent a lot of the evening chatting over the acts and cutting about the room without his mask on. His star turn came when he went full-on Kanye though, attempting to wrest control of the mic to insist that his friend get up and do a set next, before being carted out by security – while shouting “GET THE FUCK OFF ME! I’M ON TV!”

There’s a prevailing theory in politics that Dominic Cummings is the one who holds the greatest influence over everyone at No.10, but it’s not strictly the case. Which member of the Downing Street inner circle still seems to be taking his cues from Boris Johnson – by ignoring his marital vows and trying his hand(s) with all of the pretty civil servants in Whitehall?

Ex-Arsenal star Nicklas Bendtner’s candid autobiography has been making headlines this week, particularly the claim that many international footballers prefer to hire prostitutes than hook up with willing “civilians” in order to avoid kiss’n’tell stories appearing in the press.

However, much like with MI6 or the CIA, these sorts of insider secrets only ever get publicly disclosed when the industry already has a new, more sophisticated system in place.

The slicker football management agencies of today have brought all that sort of business in-house. We know of at least one ultra famous agency that has hired a PR minder for their stars to take care of these sorts of jobs. It means the footballers are happy; the PR is happy and – as the press never catch the talent playing away from home – the bosses stay happy too.

There aren’t many glimmers of hope to be found in the ongoing shitshow of a response to the current coronavirus situation, but it has at least resulted in seven months of bonus daily Popbitch mini-issues.

Every weekday afternoon, we drop into your inbox with a couple of fun stories and a music quiz to help take your mind off the relentless misery of the daily news cycle. Just a little bit of gossip to make up for whatever you might be missing out on at the office, or in the pub.

We’ll continue it as long as our spirits hold up, so sign up now – or catch up on our previous issues.

[Sign up/catch up here]

Prompted by a story of Rustie Lee blazing up before a show in a gay bar in Middlesbrough in the 90s, we asked daily readers for other tales of secret celebrity stoners…

DJ writes:
“Back in the 90s, my friend was star-struck to see Sarah Cracknell from Saint Etienne leaving his weed dealers as he arrived. That’s nothing, his dealer then told him. If he’d been an hour or so earlier he’d have seen Songs of Praise presenter Harry Secombe.”

FYI: Duran Duran’s John Taylor used to claim that he shared a cocaine dealer with Secombe in the 80s too. Was Secombe the greatest secret caner of the 20th century? hello@popbitch.com

Over the weekend, we ended up revisiting Dead 7: the zombie movie written and produced by Nick Carter of the Backstreet Boys – which also stars various members of BSB, N*Sync, O-Town and other turn-of-the-century boybands.

We asked daily readers if they had any other recommendations for clunky celebrity films, which led to someone sending us Fatal Deviation: an extremely low-budget Irish martial arts film, starring Mikey Graham from Boyzone.

You’ll be glad the government has cleared your weekend plans. Gives you all the more time to watch this masterpiece.

[Watch Fatal Deviation on YouTube]

Last week’s story of someone catching a glimpse of Boris Johnson’s iPod at a summer function at his kids’ school prompted a memory from someone else there.

They remember one particular Parents Day where the Johnson family put everyone else’s picnic spreads to shame by setting up a small ground-level barbecue and grilling up some chops.

After a lot of smoke, and a few popped bottles, Boris decided he would extinguish the dying embers by stamping on them. Sadly, he didn’t do it with much grace (“a sweating jelly of a man” was the phrase used) and ended up stumbling on the hot coals, nearly toppling himself.

Other guests in attendance were then treated to the sight of the future prime minister trying to keep himself upright, while crying “Whoa, whoa, whoa!” as members of his party slapped his ankles with tea towels to stop his trouser hems from catching light.

allthebestnamesahvegone writes:
“Ian Brown used to come into the Maccies I worked at in the 1990s. One time, he found himself inexplicably both very hungry and unfit to drive at about 5am. He recognised one of his neighbours heading to work at Maccies so cadged a lift up on the back of the kid’s moped. Except the kid was on the “open” – he had to open the restaurant up from scratch.

“So Brown waited patiently in the car park before buying the first sausage and egg McMuffin off the production line when the doors were unlocked, and then, contented, walking back down the hill to his house.”

Someone called every number listed in Jeffrey Epstein’s little black book
[Read on Mother Jones]

How’s David Lynch’s lockdown going?
[It’s hard to tell…]

Buffalo Bill’s house is up for sale
[A snip at under $300,000]

An AI trained on Banksy is spewing out street art
[Snap one up]

Auckland Zoo has fluffy sausage otters
[See on RNZ]

Stoat on a trampoline
[Watch on Twitter]

A mix of steel and brass band covers
[Hear on Soundcloud]