Storm In A Teen Cup

We heard an incredible new detail about an ancient Popbitch story this week: one we featured way back in Issue 50 – nearly 1,000 issues ago. It relates to the old classic about Sly Stallone being overheard giving instructions to someone in his trailer, telling them to “cup the balls… work the shaft…”.

Up until now, we’d always thought the story had been passed down through a comedian co-star of his, but it turns out that there’s someone else in Hollywood whose telling of the tale predates that.

The story of Sly’s ball-cupping, shaft-working blowie can be traced back even further to… Sandra Bullock.

What’s going to be the next big trend in celebrity plastic surgery? A recent influencer event in China might point to the answer.

One of the star names in attendance spilled the beans as to why she and many of the other influencers were all looking a little different. She said they’d undergone a new set of surgical procedures that involve slightly slimming the chin, filling out the cheeks and doing a touch of neck work.

Why? Because one aesthetician claims to have worked out the exact face shape that looks best on camera when you hold your phone out at arm’s length for a selfie – so they’re all rushing to get this same procedure done.

Which livewire A-Lister has a special party game he likes to play with friends? He sets his guests off on a big treasure hunt, the final clue of which leads them to a room that they open to ‘discover’ him simulating a sex act with one of his bodyguards.

If you caught the blazing row about padded pre-teen bikinis on Good Morning Britain this week, you may have recognised the woman who was defending nine year olds’ right to shapely swimwear, snarking at Kerry Katona. She wasn’t just your standard gobshite-for-hire though. Children’s beachwear is something of a speciality for Tessa Hartmann.

Tessa has been dangling her own daughter, Tallia Storm, as bait to the paps for nearly a decade now, in ways that even Kris Jenner would find a little much. As Tallia’s “momager”, she oversaw many shots of teenage Tallia in her swimsuit make it to the MailOnline’s Sidebar Of Shame.

Before her 18th birthday, those stories were all framed as Tallia looking “cute”, “stylish” and “chic” while she “took a dip in the sea” and “made sandcastles”.

Immediately after her 18th birthday? The same sorts of pictures showed her “flaunting her perky cleavage”, “flashing the flesh” in her “sizzling”, “skimpy” and “VERY revealing” swimsuits.

So don’t tell Tessa Hartmann she doesn’t know what’s appropriate for kids on the beach. She wrote the book on it.

Robert Jenrick was the cabinet minister shoved in front of cameras last Friday to explain the government’s decision to remove Portugal from the green list and plonk it on the amber list. The move wouldn’t be immediate, he explained, so holidaymakers already in Portugal who wanted to return easily had a chance to do so – giving them four days to make their arrangements and get back in an ‘orderly manner’.

Why the Tuesday morning cut-off? And why was this deadline of any interest to the Secretary of State for Housing?

Could it have anything to do with the talk around Westminster that Jenrick’s own family had taken a little half-term holiday to Portugal themselves?

A terrible bit of luck for John Barrowman that his yet-to-be-confirmed tour dates somehow clash with his panto commitments, forcing him to pull out of Snow White this year – but maybe it’s for the best. Given the news cycle he’s just endured, the last thing he needs right now is a repeat of press night in 2014.

John had a bit of schtick in that show which involved him wading out into the audience in full Highland regalia, clambering over the seats of the front few rows, until he found a middle-aged man in the audience that he felt would be good for the gag, then sat on the man’s head – making it disappear up his kilt.

The unlucky punter who found his head being used as a resting post for John’s crotch? TV production big cheese, Alan Clements. Who was sat next to his wife, Newsnight’s Kirsty Wark.

A common source of in-joking in tabloid journalism is byline hijacking: where unsuspecting hacks will find their names attached to stories they had no hand in writing on very specific, tell-tale topics.

For example, the office pervert might regularly find themselves getting credited on stories about dogging, pornography or saddle-sniffing. The office caner will, from time to time, be listed next to stories about booze, drugs or record-breaking snowstorms. These little gags are designed to pass readers by, but cause a ripple of giggles in the newsroom.

Anyhow, the practice is alive and well. One red-top employee who is known among colleagues for once getting a tad over-refreshed at office drinks and brazenly trying to finger their girlfriend in front of people unexpectedly found their byline on a fluffy little story about… fish fingers.

PT writes:
“Last week’s Liz Phair quote [“That Oasis album, (What’s The Story) Morning Glory?, was a great record – and they’re also dickheads, which I know personally”] likely refers to her experience of playing a gig with the Gallaghers in 1993 when they were supporting her in Manchester, and she returned to her dressing room to find Liam going through her knickers.

“She has told this story a few times, most recently at her gig at Gorilla, in Manchester, a couple of years back.”

The Isley Brothers have just joined a very select group of musicians whose career now spans eight decades – from the 1950s to the 2020s. The single that nudged them over the line is their latest: Friends And Family, a feel-good summertime bop that features a guest verse from Snoop Dogg.

There’s something oddly familiar about the sound though. The Chicago-steppin’ style, the soulful melody, the flute, the embarrassing spoken word bits… This couldn’t be the same Friends And Family that R Kelly was live-streaming himself working on in the studio on Instagram back in 2018, before his arrest, could it?

Why, yes it could!

As R is currently in a federal prison, awaiting trial on 22 assorted charges of kidnap, trafficking, sexual assault, enticement of minors, racketeering and more – he has no use for the track himself. A bit rough not to credit him though, lads. Even Oasis credited Gary Glitter.

For all London may have changed over the years, last week’s Keir Starmer/audience handjob story shows that things aren’t really so different. Sir John Gielgud dealt with much the same thing when he was treading the boards back in the day.

While rehearsing the Pinter play, No Man’s Land, Gielgud found himself struggling a bit with all of Pinter’s trademark silences, as leaving gaps in the dialogue hit up against one of his hard-learned rules of how to perform in a London theatre.

Or, as he explained it to his director, Peter Hall: “I never pause in the West End. The first time I played there I took a big pause, and a woman cried out in the balcony, ‘Oh, you beast! You’ve come all over my umbrella!'”

A Chrome Extension that tells YouTube adds to fuck off
[Get it here]

Can you help an AI win the New Yorker cartoon caption contest?
[Train it up on Pudding]

An inside look at how celebrity apologies get made
[Read on Vice]

Win £1,000 of goodies and get your entry judged by E L James in Fifty Shades of Grey Your Way; Lovehoney’s new competition is looking for new takes on eroticism
[Enter here]

Local Interest Story of the Week: the ballsack cul-de-sac
[See on Metro]

The Mogul And The Monster: A Jeffrey Epstein long-read
[Read on Vanity Fair]

Headline Of The Week: “Pablo Escobar’s ‘Cocaine Hippos’ Won’t Stop Having Sex And Are Ruining Rivers With Toxic Poop”
[Read on Indy100]

A new podcast series is taking a journey through the whole of the Stock Aitken Waterman catalogue
[Listen here]

Otters: live on Twitch
[See the stream here]

Plus: thanks to everyone who sent us in the President Of The Royal Horticultural Society, Keith Weed for NomDet. Sadly, we’ve used him, and his colleagues Gerald Clover and Dr Suzanne Moss, before – but we’re glad to hear he’s still at it…