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The Daily Tonic: The S Club Shuffle

 

Our friend at Planet of the Grapes has had to close his bars but is determined to ride out the storm as… White Vin Man! If you’re in London and need a delivery of booze or mixers, get your order in to Matt. Just tell him what you like (Malbec? Chablis? Gin? Beers? Soft drinks?) give him a budget and he’ll find something right for you in the warehouse. Email matt@planetofthegrapes.co.uk
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* The hidden talents of Aswad!
* Siri and the fanny flutters!
* PLUS: Another audio round…
>> Mum’s the word <<
He does love a party
 

Before we get stuck in to all your mucky stories about the celebs you’ve shagged, a little something wholesome and heartwarming from our Mum Gossip bureau.

One reader’s mum is a receptionist at a GP surgery in Surrey. The surgery normally has two Christmas parties. One with all the doctors present (that can be a little dry, but is paid for by the doctors) and then another one for everyone else – which is a self-paid affair.

Except for last year. At last year’s party staff didn’t have to pay a penny for anything as Russ Abbot picked up the bill. He’s a patient there and wanted to show his gratitude.

Nominative Determinism of the Day: The officer dismissed from Cambridgeshire police for gross misconduct… PC Julian Crimes!
>> All groan up <<
1#: The S Club shuffle
 

J writes:
“Me and a grindr hook up were going at it and I had a playlist on shuffle (I’ll spare the sordid details). A song came on, he freezes and asks if I’m being funny? Asked me about four times. I was very confused, getting ready to ask him to leave, but he realised I didn’t know what the hell was going on, he calmed down and we got back to shagging hard.

“We finish. He leaves. I go back and review the playlist. Find the song. Google the band then and now. And yes. I found out I’d just been jolly rogered by one of S Club Juniors after he was all grown up. And my, this junior certainly blossomed as a senior…”

Divastarz writes: “I’ve fucked Siri! He’s very nice but it’s kind of weird listening to the same voice that’s also on your phone. Every time I ask Siri, it gives me fanny flutters.”
>> Rise and shine <<
#2: Don’t turn around
 

Marbellanita writes:
“A friend of mine was working on an Aswad video in Malaga about 25 years ago and I went to the wrap dinner where I hit it off with Brinsley. Great for a horny one night stand but no way I’d have coped if it were regular – huge!”

anon writes: “Ralf Little was a cracker, had lovely big footballer thighs. And also a girlfriend at the time…”
>> Say sorry to a star <<
Question of the day
 

We’re still getting in stories of strange behaviour from stars, good mum gossip and quite a bit of bragging about the various celebs that have come on to you over the years. We encourage all of it – and more.

Today though, we’re returning to a Popbitch classic: Which celebrity do you have to apologise to? And why?

Send your pleas for forgiveness to hello@popbitch.com. We’ve got digital goody bundles for the winners.

Conor Maynard is a generous booty caller. During a prolific spell on Tinder a few years ago, he would send out Ubers to pick up his matches and bring them to him. What service!
>> Circle jerk <<
More tales of stage-hands
 

posh writes:
“Maynard from Tool having a wank at the side of the stage [Daily #4] is actually an improvement on his behaviour on the first A Perfect Circle tour – where he would wear nothing but tight spangly underwear the whole show and give himself a tug during masturbation anthem Thinking Of You every single night. They played pretty small venues on that first tour and everyone in the room could see his extremely real erection.

“A member of APC once told me he did a whole tour with them and literally did not meet Maynard once, except for onstage. If I recall correctly he wasn’t even at rehearsals.”

More nominative determinism in the Australian Government: The Minister for Employment who will help with the multi-billion dollar rescue package for small businesses… Michaelia Cash!
>> Let’s get quizzical <<
Another audio round for you
 

Here’s today’s audio round. Another ten songs, another twenty points up for grabs.

There’s a theme to it, but all we’re going to tell you is that if #10 doesn’t get you skanking, then there’s not much more we can do for you…

[Play it here]

Obviously tomorrow’s Popbitch Popquiz is cancelled – but you don’t have to miss out completely. We’ve compiled the Popbitch Popquiz Puzzlebook, which has dozens of puzzles and other time-wasters designed especially for self-isolation. So if you need a quiz fix, it’s yours for £5.
[Download it now!]
>> Hmmms <<
A couple of quick things
 

Poor Harvey Weinstein just can’t catch a break…
[Guess who got corona]

If racoons can do it, you can do it
[WASH YOUR HANDS]

Peter Wyngarde’s estate is up for auction
[Mainly props, some light erotica]

Iceland’s premier BDSM electro growlers Hatari are streaming a live gig at 4pm GMT
[Watch it here]

Some rarely seen Nick Cave photos and sketches
[See on Guardian]

THANKS TO: tone, J, marbellanita, DJB, divastars, MD, bobbi_fleckmann, PR, posh, kerching
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