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Who Wants More…?

 

Mother’s Day is rapidly approaching on March 31st! Make up for being a terror as a child and buy something nice. Arena Flowers, the UK’s #1 ethical florist, is offering 15% OFF their beautiful Mother’s Day flowers with the code popbitch.
[Order now at Arena Flowers]
“If I walk into a room and everyone’s having sex, I’ll probably join in” – Cara Delevingne
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* Wig watching with Robert Redford!
* Rumours of a Royal tradition!
* PLUS: Who’s next for No.10?
>> Melange a deux <<
An irresistable spice
 

It was good of Mel B to finally admit that she and Geri shagged back in their Spice Girls days (confirming a story that half the media had already written, and that everyone else has known in their hearts for nearly 20 years) but it’s really no surprise. It would be more interesting to hear the list of people that Mel tried to bonk but couldn’t.

At the height of her fame, Mel B’s pulling power was so unbelievably potent that friends claim she even managed to temporarily turn the head of steadfast homosexual Ivan Massow for a night, after a birthday party at George Michael’s house.

Cara Delevingne’s latest interview with RuPaul is a pretty candid affair. Fingers crossed she’ll act quicker than Mel B and spill the tea about that rumoured love triangle she was in with Rihanna and Rita Ora sometime before 2033…
>> Big Questions <<
Who’s asking what this week?
 

What on earth could have happened to beleaguered blackmailer and National Enquirer editor Dildo “Dylan” Howard that he’s had to take an unexpected leave of absence from work this last month? (If he’s trying to escape the heat, there are cooler places to go than Arizona, Dyl…)

Looking for a non-cheesy Mother’s Day card? Get one now with free next-day UK delivery. Plus loads of funny and rude birthday cards and gifts for your peepers. Save 20% this week only with code BITCHPLEASE.
[Browse now on Brainbox Candy]
>> Governmental breakdown <<
A Brexit shitstorm special!
 

There’s not much that can be stated with any certainty about British politics at the minute, but the one thing that does seem clear is that Theresa May’s tenure as Prime Minister is coming to an end.

Speculation as to who might take over while she works out her notice has been rife – but we can’t help but feel that a lot of potentially vital information about the candidates hasn’t quite cut through into the public domain.

So, loath though we are to deal in the seedy world of politics, here’s the Popbitch run-down of some of the most likely candidates for PM…

“Schlimmbesserung”: A German word which describes an effort to make things better that actually ends up making things worse.
>> Gove machine <<
Who wants more…?
 

The bookies’ favourite to take over at No.10 is Michael Gove (3/1) and it’s not hard to see why.

* He’s confident (stories about him parading around the gents with his knob flopping out are campfire classics for journalists who have had the misfortune to share a urinal with him)

• He’s articulate (someone who was intimate with him before he met his wife remembers that he liked to explain every last one of his sexual policies – narrating everything he was doing, as he did it)

* He’s prepared for anything (he wears wellington boots to the beach)

* And, if the rumours recirculating about him having had a dab of botox recently to get himself ready for the cameras are true, he’s going to be unflinching.

Is it any wonder we’re cursed? The number of MPs elected to the Commons over the 2010-15 session was… 666.
>> Sneaky BJ <<
Following the scent
 

The bookies’ second favourite successor is Boris Johnson (11/2) but he’s a much more divisive figure. Inexplicably popular with certain parts of the public, he doesn’t seem to have many high-profile supporters within his own party.

For example, Sir Alan Duncan – who would go to great pains to give a nuanced and balanced critique of Theresa May’s ailing leadership when asked – was happy to sum up his opinion of Boris in a single word (“Cunt”).

Johnson was weirdly sheepish about running for leader in 2016 too, but we reckon he might take things a little more seriously this time round. Why? Because his lady friend has recently moved into a new pad over the river from Westminster – so an official relocation to SW1A would be awfully handy…

Liam Fox (100/1) was well-known for keeping a fridge in his London flat entirely full of vodka. His capacity to drink the stuff and then rise early without a headache is apparently nothing short of astonishing.
>> Plane ignorant <<
An international disaster
 

Jeremy Hunt is currently in third place (7/1). It would make sense for someone in one of the other Great Offices of State to be shifted across to No.10, and it’s not as if he’s going to miss the foreign office. From what we hear, he’s never really had that much interest in the plight of other countries.

Someone who worked under Hunt before he entered politics remembers very clearly the day in their office when everyone gathered around the radio to listen to some important breaking news. A plane had been hijacked and flown directly into New York’s World Trade Centre, smashing into one of the towers and causing it to collapse.

Hunt saw that everyone was huddled together, so came out to join them. Not to see what the commotion was about, but to tell them all to turn the radio off and get back to work…

FYI: He’s not great at trade either. One of Hunt’s early business ventures was a company which tried to export marmalade to Japan. It flopped.

Amber Rudd (40/1) was credited as an ‘Aristocracy Coordinator’ on Four Weddings And A Funeral for her help rounding up a bunch of posh extras.
>> Government sauce <<
What’s Latin for Tommy K?
 

If you’re more in the mood for an outside bet, Jacob Rees-Mogg is currently a healthy underdog at 25/1.

Although he might look like the sort of man who spreads Gentleman’s Relish on his morning toast and keeps a variety of piccalillis on hand for every occasion, it transpires that JRM is actually a man of rather simple tastes.

According to one former member of the household staff chez Mogg, he would insist on having ketchup with everything he ate.

Bringing together the latest street food trends, craft tipples, live music and fun and games, Players is bingo like you’ve never seen it before – at a classic Camden venue. Exclusive offer for Popbitch readers: 20% off tickets for this Saturday’s event. Enter the promo code ‘Popbitch’ at checkout.
[Book in for Saturday now!]
>> Up close and personal <<
Wig watching with Robert Redford
 

A few weeks ago we mentioned that Robert De Niro once had it written into his contract that he would get to see the rushes of his films in order to cherry pick his favourite moments of his own performance, which would then be passed on to the director and editor.

Another actor who made a similar demand was Robert Redford – only Redford rarely attended the rushes screenings himself. Instead he would send a stylist on his behalf. It quickly became clear that the purpose of these screenings wasn’t to pick out Redford’s best performances. It was to have someone check that the lighting and camera angles hadn’t made his hairpiece too obvious.

The unnamed co-conspirator in the Michael Avenatti extortion case is Mark Gergaros, the attorney who recently represented Jussie Smollet. Small world!
>> Douchebag Dan <<
Unrepentantly taking the reins
 

Poor Gawker. Killed off by tech billionaire Peter Thiel (who launched a multi-million dollar proxy court battle specifically to take revenge on them for a decade-old article they published entitled “Peter Thiel Is Totally Gay, People”) it seems that the site’s past is not quite done haunting it yet.

Gawker’s new owners have just announced that Dan Peres will be the Editor-in-Chief when it relaunches later this year. And what does Dan have in mind for the big new revamp? We don’t know – but given that the original site repeatedly referred to him as “unrepentant douchebag, Dan Peres” it’s probably nothing good.

Nominative Determinism of the Week: the male reproduction biologist who’s trialling a new contraceptive pill for men… Dr Christina Wang!
>> Ball and chain reaction <<
Some rocky marriages at first sight
 

The couple from Channel 4’s Married At First Sight have split after only a few days of married life, with show insiders describing the decision to pair them together as “disastrous”. Still, it’s not a patch on the scandal swirling around the Australian version of the format.

Over there, Samuel Ball and his short-term wife Elizabeth split after a ton of arguments and cheating rumours, but the fallout has also seen a leading women’s magazine journalist sacked too. Supposedly Elizabeth started wondering why one publication in particular was so intent on writing such negative stories about her – only to discover that one of their writers had slept with Sam.

Media Masters Podcast: This week, Richard Sambrook – professor of journalism at Cardiff University and trustee/chairman of the Frontline Club. He talks Iraq dossiers, the Hutton Inquiry and the connection between fake news and press freedom.
[Listen/Download on Media Masters]
>> Hmmms <<
Cats, dogging, Ian Beale
 

Last few tables remaining for next Tuesday’s Popbitch Popquiz at Smiths of Smithfield. Book your team in now before it sells out!
[Join us on Tuesday 2nd April!]

Looking for good dogging spots in Brighton?
[The Argus has you covered]

The story of how Blue by Eiffel 65 got made. Fascinating.
[Watch on YouTube]

Paul Danan’s on Cameo. $33 a shout-out.
[Snap him up]

Werewolf Cat In London
[See on Laughing Squid]

Ian Beale’s got a gin now
[See on BristolLive]

At the start of the year we investigated rumours that Michael Gove and Sarah Vine were Westminster’s most prominent swingers. It could be a matter of national importance very soon.
[Read ‘Swing Vote’ on Popbitch]

In Copenhagen tonight? Pamela Anderson is ready to explain the crisis facing Europe to you.
[6pm, Danish time!]

BuzzFeed has just triumphed in court over CEN, a sketchy news agency that keeps British tabloids in all sorts of spurious scare stories and other such bullshit. Weirdly, those same tabloids are being very slow to offer BuzzFeed any congratulations today…
[Read on THR]

Thanks to: GC, HT, JF, JP, MTB, SH, MDS, Dom Kaos, JCC, A, L, RH, WP, EIB, L, CC,
Old Jokes Home
Q/ How do you make holy water?
A/ Boil the hell out of itStill Bored?
Learn to draw at the V&A Museum this Saturday with portrait artist Joe Simpson. He’s painted Olivia Colman, Mark Ronson, Michael Sheen – and now our readers can get £20 off his one-day introduction course (£40, down from £60) with code ‘popbitchdiscount’ at check-out.
[Saturday 30th March at the V&A]

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