Who Wants More…?

It was good of Mel B to finally admit that she and Geri shagged back in their Spice Girls days (confirming a story that half the media had already written, and that everyone else has known in their hearts for nearly 20 years) but it’s really no surprise. It would be more interesting to hear the list of people that Mel tried to bonk but couldn’t.

At the height of her fame, Mel B’s pulling power was so unbelievably potent that friends claim she even managed to temporarily turn the head of steadfast homosexual Ivan Massow for a night, after a birthday party at George Michael’s house.

What on earth could have happened to beleaguered blackmailer and National Enquirer editor Dildo “Dylan” Howard that he’s had to take an unexpected leave of absence from work this last month? (If he’s trying to escape the heat, there are cooler places to go than Arizona, Dyl…)

There’s not much that can be stated with any certainty about British politics at the minute, but the one thing that does seem clear is that Theresa May’s tenure as Prime Minister is coming to an end.

Speculation as to who might take over while she works out her notice has been rife – but we can’t help but feel that a lot of potentially vital information about the candidates hasn’t quite cut through into the public domain.

So, loath though we are to deal in the seedy world of politics, here’s the Popbitch run-down of some of the most likely candidates for PM…

The bookies’ favourite to take over at No.10 is Michael Gove (3/1) and it’s not hard to see why.

* He’s confident (stories about him parading around the gents with his knob flopping out are campfire classics for journalists who have had the misfortune to share a urinal with him)

• He’s articulate (someone who was intimate with him before he met his wife remembers that he liked to explain every last one of his sexual policies – narrating everything he was doing, as he did it)

* He’s prepared for anything (he wears wellington boots to the beach)

* And, if the rumours recirculating about him having had a dab of botox recently to get himself ready for the cameras are true, he’s going to be unflinching.

The bookies’ second favourite successor is Boris Johnson (11/2) but he’s a much more divisive figure. Inexplicably popular with certain parts of the public, he doesn’t seem to have many high-profile supporters within his own party.

For example, Sir Alan Duncan – who would go to great pains to give a nuanced and balanced critique of Theresa May’s ailing leadership when asked – was happy to sum up his opinion of Boris in a single word (“Cunt”).

Johnson was weirdly sheepish about running for leader in 2016 too, but we reckon he might take things a little more seriously this time round. Why? Because his lady friend has recently moved into a new pad over the river from Westminster – so an official relocation to SW1A would be awfully handy…

Jeremy Hunt is currently in third place (7/1). It would make sense for someone in one of the other Great Offices of State to be shifted across to No.10, and it’s not as if he’s going to miss the foreign office. From what we hear, he’s never really had that much interest in the plight of other countries.

Someone who worked under Hunt before he entered politics remembers very clearly the day in their office when everyone gathered around the radio to listen to some important breaking news. A plane had been hijacked and flown directly into New York’s World Trade Centre, smashing into one of the towers and causing it to collapse.

Hunt saw that everyone was huddled together, so came out to join them. Not to see what the commotion was about, but to tell them all to turn the radio off and get back to work…

FYI: He’s not great at trade either. One of Hunt’s early business ventures was a company which tried to export marmalade to Japan. It flopped.

If you’re more in the mood for an outside bet, Jacob Rees-Mogg is currently a healthy underdog at 25/1.

Although he might look like the sort of man who spreads Gentleman’s Relish on his morning toast and keeps a variety of piccalillis on hand for every occasion, it transpires that JRM is actually a man of rather simple tastes.

According to one former member of the household staff chez Mogg, he would insist on having ketchup with everything he ate.

A few weeks ago we mentioned that Robert De Niro once had it written into his contract that he would get to see the rushes of his films in order to cherry pick his favourite moments of his own performance, which would then be passed on to the director and editor.

Another actor who made a similar demand was Robert Redford – only Redford rarely attended the rushes screenings himself. Instead he would send a stylist on his behalf. It quickly became clear that the purpose of these screenings wasn’t to pick out Redford’s best performances. It was to have someone check that the lighting and camera angles hadn’t made his hairpiece too obvious.

Poor Gawker. Killed off by tech billionaire Peter Thiel (who launched a multi-million dollar proxy court battle specifically to take revenge on them for a decade-old article they published entitled “Peter Thiel Is Totally Gay, People”) it seems that the site’s past is not quite done haunting it yet.

Gawker’s new owners have just announced that Dan Peres will be the Editor-in-Chief when it relaunches later this year. And what does Dan have in mind for the big new revamp? We don’t know – but given that the original site repeatedly referred to him as “unrepentant douchebag, Dan Peres” it’s probably nothing good.

The couple from Channel 4’s Married At First Sight have split after only a few days of married life, with show insiders describing the decision to pair them together as “disastrous”. Still, it’s not a patch on the scandal swirling around the Australian version of the format.

Over there, Samuel Ball and his short-term wife Elizabeth split after a ton of arguments and cheating rumours, but the fallout has also seen a leading women’s magazine journalist sacked too. Supposedly Elizabeth started wondering why one publication in particular was so intent on writing such negative stories about her – only to discover that one of their writers had slept with Sam.

Last few tables remaining for next Tuesday’s Popbitch Popquiz at Smiths of Smithfield. Book your team in now before it sells out!
[Join us on Tuesday 2nd April!]

Looking for good dogging spots in Brighton?
[The Argus has you covered]

The story of how Blue by Eiffel 65 got made. Fascinating.
[Watch on YouTube]

Paul Danan’s on Cameo. $33 a shout-out.
[Snap him up]

Werewolf Cat In London
[See on Laughing Squid]

Ian Beale’s got a gin now
[See on BristolLive]

At the start of the year we investigated rumours that Michael Gove and Sarah Vine were Westminster’s most prominent swingers. It could be a matter of national importance very soon.
[Read ‘Swing Vote’ on Popbitch]

In Copenhagen tonight? Pamela Anderson is ready to explain the crisis facing Europe to you.
[6pm, Danish time!]

BuzzFeed has just triumphed in court over CEN, a sketchy news agency that keeps British tabloids in all sorts of spurious scare stories and other such bullshit. Weirdly, those same tabloids are being very slow to offer BuzzFeed any congratulations today…
[Read on THR]