The Second Serve // Burp Burp

We might have a new record for most in-jokes crammed into a single paragraph. Ephraim Hardcastle of the Mail wrote this short item recently:

“The mystery of why Defence Secretary Ben Wallace isn’t running in the Tory leadership race, having topped a Conservative Home popularity poll, remains a talking point in the party. Like fellow Tory MP Kwasi Kwarteng, Wallace is a long-standing admirer of much-fancied Liz Truss.”

It’s an extremely neat way to allude to the well-worn Westminster rumour that Liz Truss has enjoyed the odd dalliance with colleagues. But the other rumour – the one about Liz Truss’s proclivities against her office desk – makes us wonder if the phrase “long-standing” isn’t a gag too.

And the word “topping”.

Kate Moss has been on an interview splurge across British media this last week. People have had a lot to say about her Desert Island Discs episode, but the best thing we saw was this deliciously AbFab anecdote in her ES Magazine feature.

“Pas chic du tout: not chic at all. I love that expression. I used to teach Lila when something is pas chic du tout. We were once in France, in Saint-Tropez, and we were having breakfast at this lady’s house it was so chic. There were some condiments in sachets on the table and Lila pointed at them and said, ‘Mummy, pas chic du tout.’ I was like, ‘Yes! She’s got it! She’s going to be alright!’ She was only seven years old.”

A pair of Prince Harry’s pants are supposedly going up for auction at the Hustler’s Club in Vegas. A former stripper there says he gave them to her at a party in 2012 and she is now selling them because he’s become “a bore”. There’s an expected price tag on them of £800K but if you’re expecting them to be exquisitely tailored made from fabric fit for a king, be careful with your bids.

During his wild years, Harry liked to train at the fancy Soho gym Third Space. He’d go for a mid-morning session when it was quietest and would leave without showering – presumably to stop anyone from reporting back to Popbitch about the size or shape of his knob.

He was right to be suspicious too, as we did have eyes on the ground there. Our informant who regularly saw Harry working out at the free weights had something to report about the state of his royal undergarments.

He wore grotty old Levi’s boxers.

After weeks of speculation about their marriage, Paddy and Christine McGuinness announced they have separated – amid accusations of him chasing after a mystery BBC presenter.

Naturally, we’ve been poring over the Popbitch inbox to see if there are any clues we missed over the years. Aside from one email of dubious provenance insisting that Paddy once shagged Holly Willoughby “while the husband watched”, sadly, there’s no smoking gun.

However, the whole episode has provided a bit of clarity for a former Heat journalist about a previous encounter they had with Paddy. During a usual sort of lighthearted jokey interview, Heat asked if he’d ever been hit on by any of the Take Me Out girls. Paddy suddenly got a massive huff on and, shortly after leaving the interview, had his management call the editor to say he would never do anything with Heat again.

There’s a running joke in the sitcom Arrested Development where one of the more obnoxious characters, Gob, insists upon parading around his father’s company loudly bragging about the high price of his fancy bespoke suits – while ridiculing employees for wearing off-the-peg garbage.

Too ridiculous to actually happen in real life, right? Wrong!

According to a new book on the Greensill scandal, Lex Greensill used to do exactly that. While circulating around the office, he made a point of lifting the collars of his colleagues’ suits to inspect them, before showing them that the yarn on his Savile Row suits was of much superior quality.

Now that Jennifer Lopez has stated she intends to spend the rest of her life with Ben Affleck, never again will anyone get to know the joys of a first date with J-Lo.

What are they like? Here’s how her second husband, Cris Judd, remembers that magical first meeting:

“We took a walk and the whole time we never said a word to each other. She just kept burping… burp, burp.”

Last week’s Covid caused us to fall a bit behind with the daily quizzes, but we’ve filled in the gaps for you if you want to take a punt at 80s Films, 90s Films and 00s Films.

This week, we’ve got five more quizzes in the hopper for you. Ten song snippets all stitched together into a two minute mix; you just have to name the song title (one point each) and the artist (a second point each).

Monday’s theme: Crap Raps

[Play it here]

What is going on with celebrity jets?
[Read on MEL]

An Australian university has just rebranded – and picked the same name as a porn site
[Read on NZ Herald]