The Second Serve // Re-Taking The Piss

Dispatches landed a genuine bombshell last month, managing to keep C4’s Saturday night 9pm slot secret right up until the night before broadcast, to maximise the impact of their Russell Brand documentary.

The BBC has been stirring up a similar buzz with tonight’s Panorama too, which is still shrouded in mystery. Most guesses have been around similar topics. Another Russell Brand exposé? Something on David Walliams, maybe? A last mercy blow to the back of Dan Wootton’s head?

Our best placed intel is that it’s nothing to do with sexual misconduct in the comedy/media industry at all, but the fashion industry instead.

We were hoping to reveal the identity of the Bedroom Burrito maker for you today, but we had an email in over the weekend that has given us slight pause to question the details we heard.

anon writes:
“The burrito thing is nonsense! She poos in the same bed THEN tucks them in so they can’t smell it. Also another time shat on a man’s chest.”

Until we have clarification on the exact procedures, we can’t risk putting a name to it. So instead, we’ll tell you that two of the poor unfortunates who have apparently been trapped in a Bedroom Burrito are comedians David O’Doherty and Mae Martin.

Byline Times was reporting over the weekend that GB News sources seem pretty confident Dan Wootton won’t be returning to the channel. It seemed a little bit overkill to tell you this on Thursday – but Dan hasn’t just been getting a squirty tummy thinking there’s a documentary about to break on his alleged behaviours.

Apparently, Dan’s last two holidays have been less relaxing than he might have liked. Mostly because he’s become absolutely convinced on both trips that he was going to arrive back to the UK and be met at the airport by police.

An old clip of Laurence Fox performing on the Jeremy Vine show has been doing the rounds over the last week, with him singing one of his dreary, poor-selling songs. But, hey. Anyone can turn in a rough performance on live TV.

Except Laurence’s performance wasn’t as live as it looked. He filmed it as a pre-record ahead of the broadcast. He was told they would film his song “as live”, so he wouldn’t be allowed to stop the performance at all – but he did anyway. He demanded several retakes as he just couldn’t get the song right.

When he was told he couldn’t have another shot at it, because it was too close to the show going live, he threatened to leave – essentially holding the show to ransom. Him walking out would have ruined the continuity of the show (as his band would have suddenly appeared on screen like magic, giving away his segment had been pre-recorded).

So they had to give in and let him play again, meaning the most frantic, panicky start to a show they’ve ever had. And all for… this.

Sounds like AFC Wimbledon’s recently disgraced MD, Danny Macklin, should be counting his blessings. Although he was embarrassed to be caught saying some very unsavoury things about a female employee on a hidden recording device, it could have been much, much worse.

The guy who secretly bugged Macklin’s office, Matthew Wells, was previously jailed for six years for turning up to a meeting at one job with an AK47, threatening a lad he suspected of disrespecting a colleague.

So all things considered, he got off pretty lightly.

Today marks the 30th anniversary of Live & Kicking first being broadcast, so here are some of our favourite memories of the stars of the show.

JAMIE THEAKSTON: A former member of MENSA, he once told a lucky lady – “Brace yourself, you are about to have Jamie Theakston!”

ZOE BALL: Was once taken back to Steve Coogan’s hotel room at the start of their careers, to find Coogan had spread £2,000 in cash out on the bed to impress her. He said “Do you know what that is? Two THOUSAND pounds…”

ANDI PETERS: Gets furious at two things – swearing, and people spelling his name Andy. Either is liable to get you a strongly worded email telling you NEVER to do it again.

JOHN BARROWMAN: Used to spend his days on set trying to make Mr Blobby jump on him and pin him to the sofa because he had the hots for the guy in the suit. Also: forever telling crew about the time he shagged Cher over a car bonnet.

If you didn’t catch the playlist of Czech covers we linked to on Thursday, you should dip into it. However, we hear from a Czech speaker that it’s not strictly accurate to call them ‘covers’.

P writes: “We had tons of those albums in the house growing up and they are not exactly cover versions. They are rip-offs.”

In all the examples P sent us, the best was this Czech version of It’s Not Unusual. Its title translates as ‘Afterglow’ and the lyrics don’t match the original at all. Unless there’s a line Tom Jones sings about flying in a spaceship that we’re forgetting?

[Listen to Červánky]

Another week means another five musical mystery quizzes for you to unravel. Each one is made up of snippets from ten songs. Your only job is to figure out which ten songs and which ten artists.

Give yourself a point for each bit you get right. Ten songs, twenty points, no worries.

Monday’s theme: Assorted #39

[Play it here]

Want to buy some chlamydia off the internet?
[Reasonable rates]

A supercut of songs stopping on the word “Stop”
[Over half an hour]

A British seaside simulator
[Play on vole.wtf]

Follow the celebrity carbon emissions from private jet flights
[Kim Kardashian in the lead]