The Second Serve // Rocket Fuel

Last night saw a momentous occasion in British pop history: Elton John’s last ever UK gig.

Cocaine might have ravaged his range. His extravagant stage outfits have mostly been replaced with pensioner athleisurewear. He almost always sounds like his tongue has just gone ten rounds with a murder hornet, but he remains one of the greatest rockstars we’ve ever produced.

So, in honour of the mad old diva’s final blowout, we figured we owed him a souvenir issue, if only to relive some of the Popbitchier highlights of his career that haven’t really been touched on elsewhere.

After fevered speculation that Elton’s four special guests last night were going to be Britney, Dua Lipa, Paul McCartney and Kiki Dee, his actual guest stars ended up being a pretty underwhelming bunch.

Fans have reportedly been ‘fuming’ that he performed Don’t Go Breaking My Heart with Rina Sawayama – but they almost didn’t even get the Kiki Dee original. Elton hadn’t wanted to release that song at all, as he was pushing for a different one he’d written for Kiki to be released instead: I’m Always On The Bonk.

Sample lyrics include “I don’t know where I’m going / I don’t know who I’m blowing / I’m always on the bonk” and “I don’t know who I’m sucking / I don’t know who I’m fucking / I’m always on the bonk”.

Weirdly, the label didn’t think it was A-side material.

While most musicians have silly pseudonyms they use in hotels to preserve their anonymity, Elton John’s dedication to the wheeze is second to none.

Longtime readers will know he’s used names like Binky Poodleclip, Lillian Lollipop, Rupert Woopsie, Horace Pussy, Sir Humphrey Handbag, Lord Choc Ice, Lord Elpus and more.

There were occasionally limits to this little game of his though. One Australian hotel refused to let him check in under his chosen moniker of Fanny Beaver Snatchclit.

And he had to retire one of his other favourites after his mother spent a day trying to reach him at his hotel. When she eventually did get through, she was absolutely furious he’d made his own mother ask the receptionist to be connected to “The Marquis Of Minge”.

Elton’s band at Glastonbury was made up of some of the musicians who have been playing with him since the 70s – but they haven’t all had an unbroken career by his side. Last night’s drummer, Nigel Olsson, was among the casualties forced to take a sabbatical in 1975 when Elton cleared house and tried to get new players in.

Even Elton began to wonder if this restaffing was the smartest move when he interviewed a new guitar player. The guy in question somewhat derailed his audition when he started telling the rest of the band how much he enjoyed fucking chickens up the arse. And then went on to explain how he liked to snap their necks while doing it, causing them to clench their cloacas – which helped strengthen his orgasm.

He didn’t get the gig.

One of the greatest emails we’ve ever been sent in the history of Popbitch was from someone who went by a single initial and gave us a rundown of all the major pop stars they claimed had been hired by various national and international security agencies to do clandestine espionage work.

Among the more surprising allegations were:

* Shirley Bassey (an Interpol agent since the early 80s, with connections to Arab royalty)

* LL Cool J (an FBI informant since 1989, on major gang incidents and drug shipments)

* Celine Dion (aided French police in the early 90s, chatting and taking pictures with alleged gang members at gigs)

It was a slightly different story with Elton. According to this same source, Elton was once approached by British intelligence services to discuss some gigs he’d played in Russia in the early 00s. However, no-one told his bodyguards to expect the arrival of two MI agents, and they tried to prevent the meeting.

The story goes that Elton’s bodyguards ended up being dumped in their own cars and left to call an ambulance with broken wrists.

Rock stars moving into musical theatre has always been a bit cringe but, to give Elton John credit, he really did give the West End Wendies a proper taste of rock’n’roll.

To celebrate the success of the Billy Elliott musical, he generously hosted a summer party for the cast and crew – and chartered a plane from Stansted to fly them all to St Tropez.

Unfortunately, the flight was delayed by four hours and, in that time, some of the parents of the child actors got very drunk. One father had sex with another child’s mother in the airport toilets, which led to a fall-out between then the two stage kids – who refused to talk to each other for the rest of the run.

At the actual party, one guest ended up hosting a threesome in his bed that was very urine heavy. Then everyone was flown back in time for the Monday performance, but some of the lads were still feeling worse for wear when the curtain went up, so had to keep throwing up in buckets backstage throughout the show.

In Thursday’s issue we asked: Which former Apprentice finalist has just made an unexpected appearance on a pay-per-view gunge fetish site?

There once was a time when finishing in The Apprentice Top 3 would set you up for a decent media career. Saira Khan got a five year stint on Loose Women. Michelle Dewberry has her own show on GB News. Luisa Zissman is a regular pundit on This Morning and GMB.

There’s nothing like available for the finalists of Series 17. Which is probably why Megan from this year’s top three took the gunge gig.

[See it here]

Last week, we had a Glastonbury themed week, with a decade a round for the last five decades. If you want to test your 80s, 90s, 00s, 10s and 20s knowledge, have at them all.

This week, we’re back to assorted garbage. There’ll be a theme of sorts; you just have to figure out each artist and each song title. Simplicity itself.

Monday’s Theme: The Best Of The Best Ofs – songs that were released to help promote/flesh out various bands’ greatest hits collections.

[Play it here]

How well do you know your local area?
[Fun little webgame]

A long lost Steely Dan track has been found
[Listen on Stereogum]

The New Yorker on penis enlargement surgery
[Read it here]

Comms professionals honour Elton John at the Cannes Lions 2023
[WARNING: You may die of embarrassment]