The Second Serve // Snatching Valour

This week, the National Enquirer has compiled a list of “Dumbest Celebs In Hollywood”. They have put forward some compelling cases – but celebs aren’t always as stupid as their quotes make them sound. (Sometimes they’re stupider.)

As connoisseurs of celebrity dipshittery, we thought we’d fact-check the list as best we can.

THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER’S REASON: For saying “I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina”

THE POPBITCH ASSESSMENT: Mad as that sounds, Gaga is actually miles more savvy about her sexual encounters than she’s letting slip. Back in her early myth-building era (when she was wandering around everywhere in her pants and sunglasses) she once hit if off with a Popbitch reader. The two of them piled back to her hotel room, but before they got down to any business, Gaga confiscated his phone and remained in control of it for the duration of the night.

She only handed it back to him on his way out. He may have got some creativity from her vagina, but he wasn’t going to get a big tabloid payday out of it too.

Seems pretty smart to us.

THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER’S REASON: “If the fat people gave the skinny people more food we could all just eat… we could solve obesity and hunger at the same time”.

THE POPBITCH ASSESSMENT: Back when he was an up-and-coming star he gave an interview to a Popbitch editor which contained such gems as: “I’ve met some really great priests. Two. But I’ve only met four priests… no, three priests. And one of them I didn’t really know. But two of them were really great people… No, I’ve met four priests. I’ve met five priests – and three of them were great…”

Right after this interview Ashton did that SNL episode where he met (and then married) Demi Moore, started investing in early Silicon Valley start ups like AirBnB and Spotify, and now has a net worth of +$200m. So maybe we should all start hanging out with priests until we lose track.

THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER’S REASON: Tara once said of herself that she was so stupid she “[makes] Jessica Simpson look like a rock scientist”.

THE POPBITCH ASSESSMENT: Tara isn’t the sharpest tool in the box. For instance, while she was spending a New Year in Australia, she and her entourage wandered into a small Byron Bay DVD rental store one afternoon, to ask the guy behind the till: “Do you have any house music?”

The shop clerk looked confused and told her that they didn’t sell CDs, they were a movie rental shop. But Tara continued.

“No, but do you have any HOUSE. MUSIC?” she tried again. When he shook his head, Tara left. A few minutes later one of her people came back into the store and pleaded with the clerk for some house music, before leaving in despair.

That night the DVD guy was recounting this story in a local bar. He was told that another DVD store nearby sold drugs on the quiet, and that “house music” meant you wanted some ecstasy.

THE POPBITCH ASSESSMENT: Suggesting a rock god like Axl Rose is a dummy for wanting to shag a bunch of people seems like a bit of a non-starter to us. However, here’s a non-exhaustive list of some of the illnesses that Axl has been struck down with while out on tour:

* Tonsilitis
* Otitis
* A mutated form of polio
* A mutated form of rubella
* Swine flu
* Scarlet fever
* Rheumatic fever

Potentially related: Axl is a big believer in the healing power of homeopathy.

THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER’S REASON: Jaden once said “If everybody in the world dropped out of school, we would have a much more intelligent society.”

THE POPBITCH ASSESSMENT: It’s not entirely clear where Jaden’s mistrust of formal education comes from, but he does drop the occasional hint. For example, he refused to take driving lessons because everyone he knew who had ever been in a car accident had taken them (“So I can’t see how Driver’s Ed is really helping them out.”)

Other philosophical thoughts from Jaden include:

* “If newborn babies could speak, they would be the most intelligent beings on planet Earth”

* “Trees are never sad look at them every once in awhile they’re quite beautiful”

* “When you think about an apple, you also think about the opposite of an apple”

* “How can mirrors be real if our eyes aren’t real?”

anon writes:
“I was a runner on Gregg Wallace’s first ever TV shoot for BBC’s Food & Drink. He was a trade greengrocer foraging for mushrooms with Antonio Carluccio and after the shoot we went for lunch at a local pub. The whole crew and Antonio left after lunch but I had to wait while Gregg fucked the barmaid upstairs so I could drive him back to London.

“I waited about two hours. I thought all TV jobs would be like this.”

Last week we set you quizzes on the topics of Opposites, Taxdodgers and Songs Used To Wake Up NASA Astronauts.

This week, we’ve got another five quizzes for you – each made up of ten songs. You just guess the titles and the artists and you get yourself a point for each.

Monday’s Theme: Fender Rhodes – ten songs that use the legendary instrument [Play it here]

Tuesday’s Theme: Bossa Nova III –  identify the ten cheesy easy listening covers of well known pop songs [Play it here]

An insane short browser game where you are being driven around by a cat
[Play it here]

American Football is entering its WAG era
[Read on The Ringer]

Confessions Of A Clickbait Kingpin
[Read on Wired]