The Second Serve: The Worst of Thymes

In her charity heyday, Fergie appeared on Richard and Judy, and in her pre-interview chat with the researchers she was asked if she was happy to discuss her unusually amicable relationship with her ex. That was fine, confirmed Fergie, as long as she could flog her wares.

But once in front of the cameras she changed her tune, kicking off when Richard softly asked how she and Andew managed to get on so well post-divorce. There was a huge scene with Fergie complaining about intrusive questioning and threatening to walk off set in “disgust”.

Harried producers immediately started apologising to Richard and Judy through their earpieces.

“It’s ok”, Richard replied calmly. “We know she’s a lying cunt”.

“I trundled up to Manchester from the Midlands, to a very nondescript semi-detached house on the outskirts. The guy that greeted me took photos of my car, me and my license plate.

“I went inside and it was then explained to me that I was in fact talking to The Fall’s Tour DJ, who was selling them on behalf of someone who lived there.

“We went upstairs to check the decks out. Then in wandered the actual seller.

“It was Marshall Jefferson, with his two Pugs. The godfather of house music then proceeded to tell some wonderful stories about his early days and how some of the music he produced was created.

“I’ve still got the decks and I will never, ever sell them.”

But his more recent career trajectory has been less principled and less affirming. His latest collaboration is not with the Ritchie Hawtins or Carl Craigs of the world. It’s with… Land Rover.

See his latest social media posts: “As a global ambassador for Defender I see the values of endurance, strength and reliability reflected”.

Very down with the kids, Sven.

It’s not going to be totally family-friendly, that’s for sure. As Kerry said when launching the ticket sale this week, “Fingers in your ears if you don’t like crudeness”.

We can vouch for that. At her Max Clifford-organised baby shower at the Hospital members club back in the day she went on stage to make a short speech.

“I just want to thank you all for coming”, she began. Then, with a pause worthy of Oscar Wilde, she added, “Not literally, of course”.

And exited the stage, too overcome with laughter to continue.

But let’s not stop there. There’s other reasons to take a pause.

A PB contributor tells tale of a charity event they were involved with, at which Naomi was a guest presenter. The fundraiser was for a medical non-profit and many people with this particular ailment were attending the function so crew made sure there was an extra disabled toilet just backstage.

Everything on the night started smoothly until one particular guest presenter decided that this bog should in fact double up as her personal, private toot chamber.

A runner was installed by the toilet at all times to keep her out.

The tour guides who accompanied this motley crew on this charity hike remember it well, too.

Presumably because, we’re told, they were actually joined on the climb with 105 porters, who had to lug all of the VIPs’ belongings up the cliff – including a separate hair and makeup tent for daily glam.

Monday’s theme: Bossa Nova Covers IV

[Play it here]

[Amsterdam]

Is culture dying?

[Maybe]

What London’s sex clubs think of Labour

[Not a lot]