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“I’m really into poetry. Poems help me to learn different words.” – Abz Love, 5ive |
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A second serving of scandal and slander Subscribe
Email stories to us club@popbitch.com
* A celebrity poetry compendium
* Giggs’s epigraphic efforts
* PLUS: Memories of Diana |
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| >> Rhymes of passion << |
| A collection of celebrity verse |
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Shocking though it was to learn that the yellow Beigel Shop on Brick Line has been shut down – potentially seized – it wasn’t anywhere near as shocking as the poem Patsy Palmer felt inspired to write about it.
Reading her efforts over the weekend, we thought it was about time we paid a proper tribute to that most ridiculous of art forms: the celebrity poem.
So here – in their unabridged form – are some of the celebrity poetry that has left a mark on us. And we hope will leave a mark on you too. |
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| PLEASE NOTE: All formatting is left as per the poets’ originals. We do not wish to temper their artistic expression with such things as “correct spelling” or “coherent syntax”. |
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| >> Bread and proses << |
| Patsy’s yellow beigel poem |
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Sundays for biegals, after eating a roast
They are nice as a sandwich or even as toast
I grew up around here from baby to mum
We would visit the shop after a night of big fun
We would sometimes walk get dropped off on the street
Why we qued for an hour and couldnt even eat
From salt beef to salmon and cream cheese or butter
The shop was all night and attracted a nutter
I can’t even remember what age i was going
But living there gave you a great sense of knowing
Births , deaths & marraiges went through
This East London Staple for me & for you !! |
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| As a child, Kate Beckinsale won the WH Smith Young Writers Competition for prose and poetry – two years running. |
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| >> Epi-graphic << |
| A modern day Byron |
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There’s not many poets who can say their work has been read out as evidence in court – but Ryan Giggs can. This little effort got its debut public reading at Manchester Crown Court.
My darling Kate
Unequivocally our love was fate
I fell in love with you at first sight
I remember coz I was as high as a kite
Those beautiful eyes made me shiver
I’m not going to lie I think of you I dream of you
Can’t help thinking pulling you was my greatest ever coo
That stomach those abs
Those pictures you send so I can keep tabs
You make me feel funny down there
Especially when you’re there and you look up and stare
I am beginning to think you are always right
That’s okay it will keep us tight
I’m gonna end by saying you are my love, my friend, my soul
And most of all you believe in me which makes me as hard as a totem pole |
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| In fairness to Giggs, he was mostly following Kate’s lead. She had previously sent him a poem with the charming couplet “Everyday you do me proud, because you’re well endowed”. |
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| >> DrippyLeaks << |
| Pammy’s poem |
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It can be difficult to hold down a relationship when you’re an internationally famous pin-up. Even more so when the apple of your eye is holed up in the Ecuadorian Embassy attempting to avoid extradition. But it didn’t stop Pamela Anderson writing Julian Assange love poems…
As for Romance
How impossible it is to
have feelings for
Someone completely
Unavailable
Not because of his heart
But his circumstances
Constantly under threat
Threatened to be killed |
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| Lorraine Kelly has a hand-written poem by Timmy Mallett hanging in the toilet of her country cottage. |
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| >> Di-ambic pentameter << |
| Eat your heart out, Elton |
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Love poetry doesn’t always have to be romantic, of course. There’s this touching poem about Princess Diana by Lewis Hamilton, for instance.
The day we lost our Nations Rose
Tears we cried like rivers flowed,
The earth stood still
As we laid her to rest,
A day you & I
Will never forget
The people’s princess
Who came to see,
The love from a Country
We’d hope she’d lead,
Englands beauty
Captured in one sweet soul,
Carried the torch
God rest her soul,
With the gift she had
Shed light up the way,
With a smile to show us a brighter day,
Hearts still full
of the love she gave,
20 years since she laid in her grave
There will never be another like you,
Now a shinning star in the midnight sky
I will always remember you,
Princess Diana
As our sweet nations Rose |
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| For years after he left the News Of The World, shambolic phone hacking whistleblower Paul McMullan would drunkenly email his poetry to Rebekah Brooks. |
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| >> Unicorny << |
| The unpublishable Mariah |
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During the huge craze for celebrity-authored books in the early 00s, Mariah Carey put together a proposal for a book of her poetry. Sadly, even when the bar was on the floor, Mariah couldn’t find any interested publishers for her efforts.
So this poem – The Unicorn And I – is something of an exclusive.
I love my unicorn, he knows I am true,
My troubles go poof, my unicorn named Boo.
My lambs are all here, all smiling and gay,
Boo and I dance, we sing and we play. |
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| Milo Yiannopoulos once self-published a collection of poetry. Many lines of it were actually plagiarised Tori Amos lyrics. |
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| >> Popbits << |
| This week’s audio quizzes |
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Last week we set you rounds on the Fender Rhodes, Bossa Nova, 90s Gap Store Playlists and even a tribute to Steve Wright and his Sunday Love Songs.
This week we’ve got another set for you. Each is made up of ten songs; all you have to do is identify the titles of each and the performing artists. You give for yourself a point for each correct title and each correct artist and you can win up to twenty points per quiz.
It’s ultimately futile – as the points count for nothing. But it’s a bit of fun.
MONDAY’S THEME: Middle Eights
[Play it here] |
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| Thanks to: major_blodnok, RG, C, weiner_balcony |
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Old Jokes Home
My dog got kicked out of her poetry group
Apparently her bark ode didn’t scan. |
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