The Second Serve // DiCaprio FC

Now that he’s officially stepped down from NewsUK, it’s time to tell the Tom Newton Dunn shower story.

Back when he was Political Editor of the Sun, TND would regularly cycle in to the Lobby offices in Westminster. He once got talking to a colleague about the state of the facilities on offer for the  hacks there. She (a fellow cyclist) was complaining to him about how manky that communal shower of theirs was: the griminess, the pile of stinking towels that was never cleared etc.

Tom responded by telling her, totally unprompted, that he always liked to save time by doing a piss in that same shower whenever he cycled in.

Danny Cipriani has been everywhere this weekend promoting his memoirs, happily regaling the media with stories about how he used to sleep with three women a day.

But before you go assuming that Danny was always the one taking advantage of star-struck girls, think again. Getting Danny to take you home was a surefire way for z-list celebs to get into the Bizarre or 3AM columns back in the day. They knew he’d never bother to refute anything, so getting to Danny’s house and then using his landline to call their favoured journalist was all it would take.

One red-top reporter was so amused to take an early morning call from Alexandra Burke while Danny was  in the shower that they dined out on the tale for ages.

Todd Boehly’s ownership of Chelsea continues to be the gift that keeps on giving.

The club had a policy for this summer transfer window: only sign under 25s. Which has led to the club getting a new nickname among agents.

DiCaprio FC.

Nadine Dorries finally handed in her notice, 81 days after she first announced her departure. Clearly she spent that time drafting and redrafting here pointed barbs at the PM like, “You flashed your gleaming smile in your Prada shoes and Savile Row suit from behind a camera, but you just weren’t listening.”

Rishi’s ill-fitting attire might be an easy target, but it’s still a funny one. Back in his days as Chancellor, one of his advisors actually insisted on taking him to a tailor to get some more traditional-styled suits cut – something a little less City Boy, a little more Chancellor.

Traditional English tailoring generally favours a more baggy fit, but when advisors saw him in the ‘correct’ cut, they had to concede that a proper suit gave Rishi a  distinctive “little boy on his first day of big school” look.

So the team unanimously decided to let him return to his tried and tested short-sleeve aesthetic.

Usually the complaint is that people wait until someone is dead before heaping on the thanks and praise they should have dished out while the person was still alive. So good on Lady Victoria Hervey for not buckling and feeling compelled to pay tribute to Mohamed Al-Fayed just because he’s snuffed.

Al-Fayed once cancelled about £12K of debt on her Harrod’s credit card and never once received a word of thanks for it. We’ve yet to see a tribute from her talking of his great generosity or friendship, so it seems she’ll be taking it to the grave as well.

We couldn’t let that alone be our tribute to the late Mr Al-Fayed, so here’s a little memory of him from the equally late Max Clifford – caught on a secret camera in 2008.

“It’s like Mohamed. Now, Mohamed… Harrod’s. Who’s 76 going on 18 when it comes to young ladies. He’s a randy old sod. Fine. So I’ve stopped this, stopped that – whatever, whatever, whatever. But one of the many things he does is to give £250,000 a year to the Chase Hospice I’m a patron of. It all works extremely well…

“If he’s groping 17 year olds that are quite willing because they’re being paid a lot of money… Fine. You can make make other things happen. You know, kids that get operations that couldn’t. And when it happens to you, and it’s your little boy that’s dying, and you’ve got nowhere to go, then maybe you’ll think him groping a 17 year old wasn’t too bad.”

[More here]

Before our week off, we set you five music rounds on themes like CIA Torture Songs, Foreign Covers and Positiva.

This week, we’re back with another five and starting with a second round of Opposites. This ten song mix is made up of five pairs of songs that are the opposite of each another. You get a point for every title you correctly identify, and a point for every artist too.

Ten songs, twenty points. Couldn’t be simpler.

Monday’s Theme: Opposites II

[Play it here]

A series of scanned and digitised manuals for all sorts of things
[Look here]

Olivia Rodrigo interview
[Read on Guardian]

Solid Putin gag from the Albanian Prime Minister
[Watch on Twitter]

An oral history of Cyberdog
[Read on Time Out]