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“Funnily enough, it was tractors I was looking at” – Neil Parish MP |
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A second serving of scandal and slander Subscribe
Email stories to us club@popbitch.com
* Potty mouthed post-it notes
* Drawing dobbers with Rod
* PLUS: A horny MP audio quiz |
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>> Excuses, excuses << |
A masterclass in madness |
Whatever else you can say about the last few years in politics, it’s been a vintage era for excuses. Whether it was Boris Johnson’s ‘private technology lessons’, Dominic Cummings’ on-the-road eye exam to Barnard Castle, or Neil Parish’s red hot tractor fetish, we are truly living through a golden age.
So in tribute to Neil Parish (and because it’s a Bank Holiday) we’ve compiled a special issue of some our favourite celebrity excuses and apologies over the years – including some previously unpublished details.
Plus, another little story about Tim Westwood we didn’t have space for last Thursday. |
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In 1991, Axl Rose was late on stage at a Guns’N’Roses gig in Florida because – according to his management – he had been watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret Of The Ooze and wouldn’t leave until it was over. |
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>> X-rayted << |
The man’s got bars |
Obviously the greatest celebrity excuse ever given was the one Brian Harvey from East 17 offered when he ran himself over with his own car. It wasn’t that he’d been drunk. Nor that he’d been high. But that he’d overdone it on the tuna and sweetcorn jacket potatoes.
It’s a story we all know and love, but here’s a little detail that rarely gets aired. In the hospital, Brian was placed into a full-torso body brace, so that paramedics and technicians could move him safely without fear of causing any further damage.
He had some X-rays taken wearing this brace, but his girlfriend at the time, Emma B, didn’t appear to understand how it all worked. When she saw the images she cried out “OH MY GOD! What are all those bars sticking in him…?” |
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Ozzy Osbourne once took a shit in a hotel elevator, before explaining to the hotel manager, “It’s alright mate. I’m a resident”. |
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>> Rod’s cartoon club << |
Seeing the trees for the wood |
Rod Stewart has a lifelong passion (one shared by many) of drawing penises on pretty much any surface he can.
He once drew a lovely set of willies across McFly’s passports on a flight to Dublin. When the boys asked him how they were supposed to explain these crudely drawn dobbers to immigration officials checking their papers on arrival, Rod suggested this excuse:
“Turn it into a tree and say that your three year old did it.” |
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Whenever Robbie Williams wanted to turn down an eager groupie without hurting her feelings, he would use the excuse: “I can’t, you look just like my sister.” (He’s also been known to get out of signing autographs if not in the mood by citing dyslexia.) |
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>> The usual suspect << |
A case of mistaken identity |
Everyone knew that Kevin Spacey’s ludicrous yarn about getting mugged/tripping over his dog in the park in the middle of the night in a South London park was horseshit right from the get-go, but it wasn’t until much later that the truth emerged.
Long-time Popbitch readers got the real story early: that Spacey had picked up a star-struck waiter in Soho, took him for drinks (in the bar below our old office), then on for a late night stroll. Then he pushed his luck a little too far and got a punch in the chops.
However, our favourite part of the entire thing is that the waiter at the centre of the story didn’t initially realise that he was serving Hollywood royalty, Kevin Spacey.
He thought he was Russell Crowe. |
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BIG ANSWERS: In Issue 1013, we asked: “Which TV newsreader has come up with an ingenious excuse to justify his habit of trimming a few years off his age online? (He maintains it’s simply a sensible precaution to protect himself against identity fraud.)” The answer? Lizo Mzimba. |
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>> Fired-starter << |
Paul’s potty mouth |
Our all-time favourite celebrity apology came from Paul Danan, who issued one in an interview with the Manchester Evening News after he’d bounded on stage at the family friendly Preston Xmas lights switch-on and yelled “MAKE SOME MOTHERFUCKING NOISE, PRESTON!” into the mic.
It’s not the only time he’s been forced to apologise for such behaviour. Danan was once hired by teen magazine Bliss to compere a High School Prom night at a school in Durham. Delightfully oblivious to his surroundings, he kicked proceedings off by yelling: “COME ON! LET’S GET THIS FUCKING PARTY STARTED, YOU FUCKERS!”
Within seconds, the headteacher had stormed the stage, demanding that he apologise for his inappropriate language in front of everyone. |
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Our second favourite apology? Katie Price to the cast of her panto on stage at press night: “Sorry I’ve been such a cunt in rehearsals. To make it up to you all, I’m having a party and you’re all invited to come… in my mouth!” |
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>> Taxing times << |
Our finest character actress |
Lorraine Kelly managed to put one over on the taxman a few years back, wriggling her way out of a £1.2m tax bill with the legendary excuse that she doesn’t actually appear on TV as herself, but as the cheery, upbeat alterego “Lorraine Kelly”.
It might sound far-fetched, but production staff on Lorraine have seen evidence of the two women firsthand.
On the day of the Brussels bombings, the decision was made to cut from her show and return to Good Morning Britain to follow the developing events. Lorraine had been in the middle of talking about nail varnish at the time and was incandescent with rage at the decision, taking the switch-back to GMB as a huge personal snub and threatening to resign over the slight.
Suffice to say, she dropped the cheery, upbeat character for that bit. |
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Kimi Raikkonen’s reason for missing the official photo for Michael Schumacher’s first retirement was this: “I was having a shit.” |
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>> T*p Of The P*ps << |
No excuse for naughty language |
CT writes:
“Andi Peters can’t abide swearing, in even the mildest form, and enforced a strict office no-swearing policy when he was producer of Top of the Pops in the mid-00s. The policy required any swearer to immediately write him an apology note on a post-it and stick it to his office door.
“The notes started off as ‘Sorry Andi, won’t happen again’, but inevitably the door became full of little yellow stickies saying things like ‘Dear Andi, sorry for saying CUNT. All the best, x’.” |
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Michael Jackson kept slot machines on the Neverland ranch that paid out $100 bills. The only condition for playing these low stakes/high payout machines? Michael insisted guests play in the nude – to make sure they weren’t cheating… |
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>> Pressed for Tim << |
Link and you’ll miss it |
You’ve maybe found yourself wondering how Tim Westwood managed to juggle such a packed schedule of radio shows, live appearances and sexual harassment. Well, it wasn’t simple – but he had a system.
On nights he was due to play at a club, Westwood would have to sneak out of his drivetime show a little early. To stop anyone twigging he was absent, he’d pre-record a bunch of links for the final half of the show in the first half – while songs were playing. Every time he put on a record, he’d use those minutes off-air to chat onto tape, leaving his producer with a bunch of patter to chop up on the fly and broadcast against the clock. |
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Tim Westwood makes a cameo in the video for Message In A Bottle by The Police. About six seconds in. |
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>> Popquiz << |
This week’s audio rounds |
Last week saw daily audio quizzes on themes like pop music plagiarism, records with whistling and cops v robbers.
This week we’ve got another five quizzes lined up for you, where all you have to do is name the ten songs in each mix and the ten artists/bands who performed them.
Monday’s Theme: Neil Parish MP
[Play it here] |
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The latest Club Popbitch audio round can always be found [here]. |
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>> Hmmms << |
A few quick things |
Meet the fans making money off Johnny Depp defamation trial merchandise
[Read on Rolling Stone]
The Kath & Kim house is being torn down today
[Take one last tour]
Headline Of The Day: My Penis Fell Off But It Regrew On My Arm — Now I’m A Real Man Again
[Read on NYPost] |
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Thanks to: CT, JD, whatever_yeah?, GO, NB, AL |
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Old Jokes Home
Q/ How do you seduce a farm girl?
A/ A tractor. |
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