The Second Serve // Spiritual Sneakers

It’s been seven years now since the Weinstein scandal broke and Hollywood solemnly promised to reckon with its endemic sexism. So how’s it been getting on?

This awards season sees a Barbie v Oppenheimer rematch. Last summer, Barbie grossed $1.4bn for its critically acclaimed examination of the contemporary world for girls, women and men. While Oppenheimer didn’t quite crack a billion, it too was critically acclaimed for its three-hour portrayal of a man who gets upset because his office lanyard is taken off him.

Both were up for a ton of Golden Globes and Critics Choice Awards these last two weeks. Oppenheimer ended up snapping up both Best Pictures; Christopher Nolan won both Best Directors – while Barbie took home… best make-up and costumes.

As for best song? Massive global hits by Dua Lipa and Billie Eilish were short-listed for the Critics Choice Award – but the winner was I’m Just Ken. The song by two men about the male doll in Barbie.

First celebs were all tax-dodging. Then they piled into NFTs. Now 2024 begins with reports of a possible Ponzi scheme that’s snared a slate of crap celebs like Shane Lynch from Boyzone, Mario Falcone from TOWIE, a Man Utd midfielder, his girlfriend, her dad, a potentially dodgy pastor and Gareth Southgate’s agent.

They all appear to have been involved with an unregulated money lender, Fortress, which has collapsed with millions owed and owing. It’s fun, but it’s got some way to go before it reaches the major leagues. The gold standard for pop music scams was run by Lou Pearlman: the man behind N*Sync and Backstreet Boys.

A former blimp salesman who became fascinated by New Kids On The Block, Pearlman moved into the music business and parlayed his boybands’ fame to lure big-time investors to put money into TransContinental – a shifty portfolio that boasted an airline, film studio, talent agency, restaurants, real estate.

Far from being a legitimate business concern, Pearlman was actually overseeing one of the longest-running Ponzi schemes in US history, taking in over a billion dollars – $300m of which remains unaccounted for today.

And then when he ended up in prison, facing 25 years for his crimes, he did what any good modern scammer does: pitched to be the star of his own reality show.

Mario Falcone isn’t the only TOWIE figure with curious business interests. You might not be abreast of TOWIE’s Tommy Mallet, or know that he co-ran a shoe brand called Mallet London, but you’ll want to know what he’s up to now.

Tommy has left the shoe brand he started under his own name to devise Ctrne: a new “spiritual” footwear brand which sells “the world’s one and only crystal-infused sneakers”.

The shoes cost £250+, have a bit of quartz in the sole – and Tommy is currently targeting “manifestors”, promising them that wearing a shoe with a piece of citrine in it will being them “abundance”.

One of the weirder stories you may have seen this weekend was EastEnders favourite Dean Gaffney getting run over on a night out by a Lamborghini driven by Chelsea footballer Wesley Fofana.

Odd, but not a patch on some of the stories we’ve received about Gaffers’ other nights out. In late 2019/early 2020 we received a spate of emails from people telling us that Dean Gaffney had been out on the pull. Including this eye-popper.

From TT, Dec 2019:
“Dear Popbitch. Dean Gaffney pulled my friend’s friend in Dubai last Monday then he asked her to throw up on his dick because he liked it. Then he wanked in/with the vomit.”

John Pilger’s catty guest we noted on Thursday was clearly a well-read bitch. In Kingsley Amis’s book On Drink (a compilation of his writings on booze for various publications) he has a ‘Mean Sods Guide’ to hosting a party.

In it, Kinglsey writes:

“The wine itself will, of course, be less than exceptional. Pour it with ceremony, explaining that you and your wife (especially she) ‘fell in love with it’ on holiday abroad and will be ‘interested’ in people’s reactions.

“When these turn out to consist of barely polite silence, either say nostalgically that to appreciate it perhaps you have to have drunk a lot of it with that marvellous local food under the sun. Or announce bluffly: ‘Doesn’t travel, does it? Doesn’t travel.'”

Shed 7 have the number one album this week – their first ever, 30 years after their debut was released. Back in the TFI Friday era, they did alright for themselves. But in the leaner wilderness years since, fortunes between bandmates were somewhat varied.

The guitarist ended up advertising around York University, offering lessons to any students wanting to learn the guitar. On the other hand, drummer Alan Leach develop a pub quiz app called Speedquizzing which has been a runaway success, making him a shedload of money.

Last week we kicked off 2024 with quizzes on themes of NY Resolutions, Guitar Hero, Opposites and a two-part Night and Day quiz.

This week, we’re cracking on with another five – starting with a few rounds slightly different from normal. Usually, you have to guess the names of the ten songs we’ve included and the ten artists. However: Monday’s quiz is a selection of those overly-dramatic, extremely moody covers of pop songs used on episodes of The Traitors. Tuesday’s quiz is accordion covers.

So for these ones, you have to remember the original artist – because there’s no way you’re going to guess the unknowns wailing their ways through these…

Monday’s Quiz: The Traitors
Tuesday’s Quiz: Accordion

Olivia Rodrigo in the Live Lounge
[Brilliant]

Seven weeks with the Yakuza in Tokyo
[Read on the Face]

52 places to go this year
[New York Times suggests]