The Second Serve // Parky’s Paper Cup

“I will not make a pact with old age” – Brian Blessed

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Lisa Scott-Lee caught wind of last Thursday’s story about her and posted photographic evidence of the incident to Twitter. To spare her the indignity of ever having to tell anyone else “…but I’m Lisa Scott-Lee?” again, here’s a quick cut-out-and-keep guide.

* Her “official” nickname in Steps was Party Steps, although she was better known in the band as Brown Eyed Girl, thanks to her habit of mooning everyone.

* She was an early adopter of the ubiquitous shown-off midriff in late 90s/early 00s pop. Stylist shorthand “Doing A Lisa” referred to the tantrums that pop stars threw whenever they felt like they were being covered up and not allowed to flaunt any flesh. Named for her.

* She was a columnist for the Dubai version of Hello (Ahlan) but didn’t impress bosses when she went on the radio to promote her column and failed to pronounce the magazine’s name correctly, despite many attempts.

* She’s a believer in capital punishment.

Even if Alan Shearer had agreed to turn up to the set of the Ariel ad we mentioned on Thursday, there’s no guarantee that he’d have actually done anything.

A charity once approached him to appear at a launch event connected to the World Cup, but Shearer refused to do it until the charity agreed to put on a private jet for him. £7,000 later, Alan showed up to the event. Not that anyone would have known as he refused to do any media there – so his presence wasn’t even reported.

Michael Parkinson maintained a very easy, breezy, avuncular presence on the telly – but he could be a surprising diva when the cameras weren’t rolling.

At a BBC Good Food event at the NEC, a runner was tasked with preparing the green room for Parky, who was set to appear as a very special guest. No sooner had Parky stepped into the green room, however, he clocked something and immediately walked back out – whispering to his assistant.

The assistant then whispered to one of the event managers, who duly whispered to their assistant, who finally whispered to the runner.

“Parky does not drink from paper cups.”

Popbitch has been filled with the wit and wisdom of Geri Halliwell since day one – and there was a brand new compendium of it in this weekend’s Sunday Times for us to pilfer.

Highlights include:

* “I think Henry VIII would have been MeToo-ed”

* “Resentment is drinking poison and expecting someone else to die”

* “I’m a bit of a Cilla you know, I’m always setting people up”

* “I’ve always said Watford girls can wear pearls”

Also, Geri is now mates with Judi Dench. They recently had dinner together, then “did some Shakespeare”.

For the first time in chart history, the UK Top 6 are all female artists. Billie Eilish at No.1, Dua Lipa at No.2, Olivia Rodrigo at No.3, Taylor Swift at No.4, Peggy Gou at No.5 and Olivia Rodrigo (again) at No.6.

Other previous milestones on the way include…

9/11/1986: With Berlin at No.1, Kim Wilde at No.2, The Bangles at No.3, Mel & Kim at No.4 and Swing Out Sister at No.5, this was the first time that the Top 5 singles were all female-led (Berlin and Swing Out Sister were mixed-sex groups with female singers).

13/12/1998: The first entirely female Top 5 was when B*witched were No.1, Cher was No.2, Billie Piper was No.3, Mariah & Whitney were No.4 and The Honeyz were No.5.

14/12/2018: Ariana Grande at No.1, Ava Max at No.2, Halsey at No.3, Miley Cyrus at No.4, Mariah Carey at No.5 and Jess Glynne at No.6 – the only injection of testosterone being the co-billing of Mark Ronson on Miley’s Nothing Breaks Like A Heart.

This weekend marked the 20th anniversary of the classic MTV series Newlyweds: Nick And Jessica. Whatever she does, Jessica Simpson is destined to be forever remembered as the one who couldn’t figure out if tuna was chicken or fish – which is a real shame, because there are much funnier and weirder things to remember her for.

Jess was supposed to be one of the Mickey Mouse Club Mouseketeers with Britney, Christina, Justin and Ryan Gosling. Sadly, she flubbed her audition even though Disney had packed her off to take acting classes with Chuck Norris. It’s possible Chuck Norris wasn’t the best tutor for a potential Mouseketeer though. He said Jessica “expressed too much”, so he sellotaped her eyebrows to her cheeks and then had her run all her scenes like that.

Or perhaps it was because Jess’s acting partner in those Chuck Norris classes was the guy who went on to play Barney The Dinosaur. Who is now a tantric sex tutor.

Last week saw audio rounds on the themes of Opposites, Mark Ronson and the legendary Swedish production house Cheiron.

This week we’ve got another five rounds in the hopper for you, on a series of tenuous themes. Each will have ten songs and all you have to do is identify the titles (for one point each), and the artists (for a second point each). Easy as pie.

Monday’s theme: Foreign Covers III

[Play it here]

Clone-A-Lisa: can you replicate the Mona Lisa with Microsoft Paint tools in 60 seconds?
[Play it here]

Cliff Richard has a cruising calendar out
[Pre-order here]

Fyre Festival II is on
[Tickets here]

Gwyneth Paltrow’s house is up on AirBnb
[Read on The Ringer]

Headline Of The Weekend: “Melbourne Man Charged With Lighting Fires Had Ducklings In His Underwear, Police Allege”
[Read on Guardian]